Chương 106: Book 3; Chapter 105; Second half.

"What would you have done if I had confessed my feelings to you then?" Anniet asked.

"Truth be told, I don't know," Blake answered.

"I often thought about it, as any action available to me would have been a lie and eventually would have brought you pain. There are no "white lies," as people call them. Every lie will bring pain at some point to the one it was told to. If I lie to you, that means I hurt you, and it will bring you pain sooner or later. The only way I could see was to leave my past behind and never return to it, by becoming a different person, not just pretending to be one.

To do that would mean that even if the path back to my past became available again, it would not find me, as there would be no such person left."

"Is such a thing even possible?"

"Yes, it is. And for a short time, I thought that life was taking me in that direction, only to realise that, despite all what I thought before, I do like and value myself as I am now, and even the way I live. Then your bond with Ren strengthened immensely, and I understood it could not be the case. For me to stay with you would mean cutting all ties to that part of life in which Ren is central. It could not be done while she was becoming central in your life."

Anniet was quiet for a while, thinking about how complicated that time must have been for him, and then asked teasingly,"So, you would deny me this handsome body of yours unless I can meet all of you?"

"Body? As in sex? You can have my body whenever you want. It belongs to you as much as to me." Blake changed his position, lying down on his back on the very edge to put his head on her lap. In her mind Anniet knew that if he fell, he could fly back, but it didn't help, and she unconsciously held tightly to him so he would not slide off. Blake smiled at this action, picked up her hand, kissed her palm, and placed it back where it was.

"Sex on its own, without love, means nothing to me," he continued.

"Been there, done that, and I pray the Lord keeps me from ever experiencing it again. How detached does one have to be from oneself to even bear it, never mind enjoy it." A slight shiver ran down his body, as if he was trying to shake something very unpleasant off. Anniet was speechless for a while. She had never heard anyone talk like this before. Especially when they had shared so much of it over the past twenty-four hours, and she thought it felt really good.

S he hadn't realised that he was feeling completely differently about it... In reality, she thought that he enjoyed it very much too. She could not understand it, and she definitely would not dare to ask about it.

"How come you have such strong feelings about this?" she asked eventually.

"Let me first answer your real question, so it will not linger around, disturbing your heart," Blake answered, looking into her eyes from below.

"I have enjoyed every moment I spent with you. Sex was just an extra layer, an extra bonus, you could say. I liked it very much and hope it will keep happening." He sat up, ran his fingers through her hair, and kissed her before settling back with his head in her lap and face turned towards the sky.

"About the question you voiced aloud," Blake said, "it's a chain of events, you could say. I somehow managed to lead myself astray by trying to be "normal" — that is, trying to act as most people do, as surely, if something makes everyone happy, that means it has to be a good thing. Right? If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Especially when, after I was appointed general and became famous, there was hardly a woman who didn't want to get into some sort of relationship with me. I didn't know very much then, I didn't mind having some fun, and I didn't mind looking for love. Ren and Angus were always so happy together, and I wanted to experience it too. So, I plunged myself into some sort of nightmare. Thank god Ren fished me out of it." Blake made a little laughing sound that didn't sound happy at all.

"I presume I can add this one to the many times when she has saved me. I am starting to think maybe I am following her so she won't miss an opportunity to save my sorry life over and over again... Anyway, all I learned was that people are very strange creatures. They always think and feel one thing but say something completely different, and it is not because they don't know. If you bring it up with them, they will deny it as if their lives depended on it.

You know, they would rather kill than tell the truth or hear the truth about themselves. So first I learned that sex is some ominous thing, where a woman wants to be with someone she imagines I am and expects me to behave according to some guidebook that is not even known to me. And if I obey, then I get a "treat". If I disagree, then she adds some extra lines to that book and then expects me to behave according to that updated book. What a tragedy.

A suit in a shop with a tag on it is allowed to have more personality than people would allow me to have when I am with them. Then Ren told me that I brought all this on myself, as I should look for love, not for sex. I tried and realised that there is no such thing as love. It is just compromises and agreements, and if being loved means belonging to someone, then it didn't sound right to me. I told Ren I really didn't understand how she could cope with such a torture."

"So how did she save you?" Anniet asked quietly.

"She took me away for a few months, supposedly on some minor mission, where there was no one around, just me, her, Angus, and Ruffus. And we actually did nothing for days and days and days. All the mud that had piled up inside of me started to wash away, and then she let me feel some of her feelings towards Angus. Don't know how she does it — to share past feelings is not the same as to share what is happening right now.

She shared how she felt about him, and it was not a sudden passion, not belonging to someone as some sort of possession or combined force, but one life with one and only person. Doesn't matter if that person is near or far away. It doesn't even matter whether you have ever met this person, it still exists. She said it was easy for her because Angus was always in her life, so she never had a single doubt where she belonged.

She never needed to try to find someone, as he was never missing from her life, and sex or no sex doesn't really even make a difference. As it's all about love that is only for that person and cannot be shared with someone else. She said it is like two pieces of one thing broken in half — when you have one half, you can try to match it with a different piece by adding some glue and filling and it will stick for a while.

But with your real second half, all filling and glue and any other mess have to be removed, and when both sides are bare, with no pretence and lies in between, they will match perfectly. Your own piece cannot truly fit with anyone else just a true second half without some filling added.' That is the main difference,' Rainee told then.' If someone is trying to match you by changing themselves to fit you, or if you are trying to change because otherwise you don't fit together, then this will bring only destruction.

If it is your second half, then it will create a mess in between that will make your bond weaker. Or if it is not your second half, it will glue you somewhere you don't belong. One way or another, it is wrong, as in the middle of this mess, you lose yourself.

If you want a true relationship, always be yourself, even if other people don't like it or even hate it — your second half will love you that way.'

" Blake fell silent for a short while before continuing.

"Then I stopped caring about what other people thought about me and realised how easy it became to live. Why do I need people in my life if all they want is some imaginary figure? They can have their own tales and stories, turning them into legends, and I will live my life as I like it to be. For the first ten or so years, I was on the lookout for my second half but never found anyone. Then, at some point, I thought to myself, maybe she simply passed away and is not living in this world anymore.

I asked The One directly, ' Is my second half living on earth?

'And the answer was crisp and clear —' No.' Then I asked if she exist at all, and he said 'Yes.' I asked if I could connect to her while I am on earth and she is not, and he said ' No.' I asked if I would be able to meet her when we both are on the other side, and he said ' Yes.' So I didn't have any doubts any longer and gave up on trying to become a family man for good."

Blake was looking at the stars with a smile playing on his face for a few minutes, and Anniet was watching him, trying to unravel all this incredible information he had just told her.

"And then?" she asked finally.

"And then?" Blake repeated, looking back at her.

"And then, one late night, when everything looked grim and out of hand, a young little lady came knocking on my door because she couldn't find her home and was hoping I could help her find it." He looked at her fondly for a moment and touched her cheek.

"I really couldn't find it," Anniet said, laughing while leaning into his hand. Blake stood up and helped Anniet up too. He hugged her, pressing her firmly to himself before speaking again.

"But I think you found it perfectly well, as I believe your home is with me, and The One led you to it by the shortest route." He gave her a short kiss before lifting her in his arms and turning to the cottage.

"So, you think I am your second half?" Anniet asked curiously.

"No, I don't think so," Blake said.

"I know it. I am not saying you have to take my word for it, and it will not upset me in the slightest if you don't. You can travel the world to get more experience and find it yourself. For my part, I will just wait until you come back to me in this life or another, because I don't have any doubt about it."

"I don't want to travel by myself anywhere," Anniet quickly refused that offer.

"I was wondering how The One could tell you that your second half had passed away when I am very much alive. I didn't know he could get things wrong."

"The One never gets things wrong. It is only us misunderstanding the answers because of our assumptions," Blake replied with a smile.

"I asked if you were in this world, and he said no. It never crossed my mind that it was because you hadn't been born yet. The day you entered my cottage, I knew exactly who you were. I didn't know anything about your life up to that day, but I knew that my search was over. Until you came, I didn't even know that I was still searching." Blake entered the house while laughing at this distant mistake he made.

"Is that too much for you to handle?" he asked.

"No," Anniet replied, "but I just completely realised how far away from the truth all the tales about you are. Everyone calls you cold, with a heart of stone, when you are just a softie."

"I hope it is not too disappointing," Blake said, putting her down on the bed.

"I thought you didn't like sex," Anniet smiled at him.

"Me too," Blake replied, getting on the bed too and leaning over her, "but I have made new discoveries and had a change of heart."