Chương 27: Heist Makes Waste

"Tada!" Suzy presented the key with utter enthusiasm.

"Great job, Suzy!" I said, patting her on the head a few times.

"But why did you take the key? It was an unnecessary risk."

"I want to do it today!" she squeaked.

"Next loop I'll forget it all! I want to take the treasures while I still remember everything!" Yes, I understood that. It must be hard to know you will just forget it all… well, when we finally get the Journal to Cinderella, maybe Suzy can use it too.

"So where was it?" I asked.

"The key."

"It was realllly simple!" chirped Suzy.

"In the prince's bedroom, there is a large dresser. In the second drawer from the left, I saw him take the key out. I waited for his return, and I saw him put the key back. But when I went looking for it, the drawer was empty!"

"Empty?" I asked.

"Yes!" she squeaked.

"I thought I was going crazy at first! Then I tapped the drawer—there was a false bottom! The key was hidden beneath it! Lucky I'm sooo smart!" She was smart. If she hadn't told me about the false bottom, and I had searched that drawer in the next cycle only to find it empty, I would have assumed something was wrong. I wouldn't have even thought to search for a hidden compartment.

"So we are doing it?" she asked, beaming.

"We are doing the next step of the plan? Yes?" Suzy liked stealing things too.

"Yes, we are," I said, smiling.

"Let's go to the vault room." I remembered the map I had memorized. I walked purposely through the palace, passing through a grand dining hall with long polished tables, and down a wide, velvet-carpeted corridor. From time to time, I spotted other servants or nobles, and I would immediately find some random object to dust, turning my back to them. I continued my trek through the sprawling, opulent palace halls until I finally found what I was looking for: the stone staircase leading down.

I descended to the basement level. Down here, it was darker, damp, and completely stripped of the upstairs glamour. According to the map, this underground level housed the cold storage cellars for meats and cheeses, the expansive wine cellars, the old armory, and, of course, the vault room. Was a maid like myself supposed to be dusting down here? I didn't think so, but there was hardly anyone around, which lessened my risk. It didn't take very long. I slipped into a large storage room filled with barrels.

From there, according to the map, there was a long, straight, windowless corridor. And right around the middle of that corridor was supposed to be the door of the vault room. I peeked around the corner. It was dark, but I could clearly see a single guard sitting at a small table near a heavy door. That was it. The outer door wasn't supposed to be locked, only the vault inside. And the guard… it was crucial to recognize him.

Vault guards were very important obstacles for a time-looping thief, so naturally, Juliette had supplied information. But the problem, once again, was that her information wasn't entirely up to date. According to the file, there were three possible guards on the day shift for the vault: Julien, Benoît, and Auguste. Julien was having an affair with a maid named Madeleine and had gambling debts. Benoît was a sleepy, drunk guard—the absolute best kind of guard.

But Auguste was weirdly competent, treating his mind-numbingly boring post with rigid, unwavering seriousness. I needed a better look to know which one it was. I walked down the corridor, trying to look perfectly natural as I aggressively brushed the door frames, wooden barrels, and random patches of the stone wall. When I got close enough, I recognized him from the description: young, with red hair. Damn it. That was Auguste. The worst of the three!

Auguste merely glanced my way for a moment before returning to stare stoically at nothingness. At least he wasn't the type to ask himself if a maid should or shouldn't be down here. But this was seriously bad luck. I had simple, Fifi methods to get around the first two guards. But Auguste… he was a problem. I retreated to the storage room where he couldn't see me, sat on a wooden crate, and thought. A small obstacle like this wasn't nearly enough to deter a time-looping thief such as myself.

I would surely find a way. Well, I had thought about the possibility of Auguste being stationed here, and I had told myself that in the worst-case scenario, I could just chloroform him, tie him up with rope, and stuff him in a broom closet. But now that I was actually here, it didn't seem quite as simple as it had in my imagination. He was big and muscular; I couldn't just shove a chloroformed cloth over his mouth and expect him to politely stand still while it took effect.

He would probably just punch me, or arrest me, or… punch me and then arrest me! And anyway, there wasn't a broom closet anywhere in sight. I had my pistol with me, yes, but it's not like I had ever threatened anyone before. If I was honest with myself, I couldn't bring myself to actually shoot anyone. If I aimed it at him, an armed and trained guard, he might just call my bluff and disarm me quickly. Worse, he could see it as an assault and stab me with his short sword. Oh, I definitely didn't want that!

No, the pistol probably wouldn't help… I took a peek in my workbag. Oh, I still had the cheese! I smiled as I took it out with both hands. Then I ate it. Yes, I like cheese, what of it? I gave some to Suzy; she liked it too. Oh… I was in a serious pinch here! Why couldn't I have gotten the drunken, sleepy guard? I would be out of the palace with the jewels by now! And the truth was, I wasn't Fifi either; I couldn't just seduce my problems away. Oh, if Cinderella were here…

the guard would probably offer to rob the vault for her himself! But it's not like I could coax that goody-two-shoes into stealing a single raisin. Think, Drizella, think… Distract the guard and have Suzy sneak in and do it herself? No, I didn't think she was physically strong enough to turn the heavy key, and even if she was, she couldn't carry out all that heavy jewelry. Should I wait until his shift changed? That might not be until late at night, and I had zero information on the night shift guards.

Besides, I couldn't afford to wait. I could already picture Chef Gustave tracking down the High Steward to complain about the missing new maid. My window of opportunity was closing fast.

"What's wrong?" asked Suzy after finishing her share of the cheese.

"Why haven't you chloroformed the guard already?"

"I… don't… I don't think I can do it," I whispered back, confessing my doubts.

"I don't know how we can get past him."

"I see, I see," she nodded in contemplation.

"Maybe he's really scared of mice?" she suggested.

"Maybe I could just chase him off."

"I don't think so," I said.

"He looks strangely competent, this guard."

"A shame…" said Suzy.

"But I'm sure you will find a solution. You are smart now!" Nonsense. I was still dumb, which made the whole thinking process genuinely exhausting. Let's try again, Think! The guard is competent. I can't seduce him, can't blackmail him, and I can't chloroform him! And he won't leave his post unless he has a very compelling reason to. But what reason would be good enough for a strict, dedicated guard to abandon his post? It would have to be an incredibly severe, high-stakes emergency. Oh. I think I have an idea.

My dumb brain did sometimes produced them, if I squeezed it hard enough. After all, I didn't just have chloroform, a pistol, rope, and cheese at my disposal. I had strawberry jam, too! I scooped a large handful of the deep red jam and smeared it all over my white maid's dress… eww, it was sticky and gross! Stolen novel; please report. Then I took out my pistol, aimed at nothing in particular, and squeezed the trigger. BANG!

I quickly shoved the pistol back into my workbag and collapsed to the floor to play dead, keeping my eyes and mouth wide open in a highly dramatic expression. I immediately heard heavy footsteps running toward me.

"Miss! Miss!" the frantic guard yelled, rushing over.

"Are you… oh, heavens!" He took in my horrific, jam-soaked fatal injury and stared at me with wide, terrified eyes.

"Oh no!" he stammered, pure panic in his voice.

"What… what should I do?" I would love to tell you, really, but I'm playing dead right now, so figure it out yourself! And while you're figuring it out, do try to remember the facts: One, there is a dying maid in front of you. Two, there is a dangerous killer walking somewhere nearby. Knowing these two facts, are you really just going to stay at your post like a statue? No! You need to go get help, save the dying maid, and bring backup to fight an armed intruder.

It seemed the thought of the killer occurred to him too, because he suddenly looked around the room frantically, and then he bolted. He ran toward the stairs, I think. It was hard to see without moving my pupils, and I was taking this acting dead business very seriously.

"Yessss, it worked!" Suzy jumped after the guard left.

"You did it, you did it! Oh… you were so good!" I sat up and made a small, theatrical bow.

"Why, thank you." Yes, I was an amazing actress!

"But we don't have a moment to lose," I said urgently.

"The guard will return any second with friends." I scrambled up and hurried to the vault room. The heavy iron door indeed wasn't locked. The room inside was cool and lined floor-to-ceiling with rows of locked metal safety deposit boxes, but one in the center stood out. It was much larger, framed in ornate brass, and clearly meant for the royal family's personal use. The key I had was large, so it wasn't hard to guess which vault it fit. I slid the heavy key into the brass lock.

I twisted it, and with a heavy, satisfying clack, the internal tumblers gave way. Oh, it felt wonderful. It felt like a win. I pulled the door open, and it was full of amazing, glittering, shining treasures arranged neatly on velvet shelves. I lost my breath, and probably skipped a couple of heartbeats, too. My eyes were completely hypnotized. I slapped my own cheek. Stop gaping like a fish! The guards will be here any moment!

I snatched the real tiara, followed by a stunning diamond and ruby necklace, a heavy gold bracelet studded with emeralds, gold earrings inset with tiny diamonds, and a delicate decorative hairpin. I was just about to slam the vault shut and bolt when I spotted a faint gleam at the very back. I leaned in for a closer look... but... it couldn't be! I reached in and pulled it out... a glass slipper! It looked exactly like Cinderella's. And there were more inside—at least five of them.

I stared, completely unable to comprehend why the royal vault held a stockpile of glass slippers. No… now was not the time to overthink. I shoved one glass slipper in with the rest of the loot, locked the vault door, and hurried back to the corridor. My leather workbag was… far too full now. Any maid walking around with this heavy, bloated, clinking bag might arouse deep suspicion. And the leather flap barely even closed over the top of the loot! I needed to get out of the palace as fast as possible.

I ran out of the corridor, back into the large storage room, and headed straight toward the spiral stone stairs that led up to the main palace floor. But just as I reached the bottom step, I heard the heavy, synchronized thud of boots rushing down from above. Auguste was back, and he had brought four more guards with him. Two had their swords drawn, and the other two were gripping long muskets. The moment they spotted me at the bottom of the stairs, they came rushing right at me.

"Oh, miss! You're… how are you…?" Auguste stammered, looking confused.

"I just thought... when I saw you bleeding…"

"Oh, it was just a scratch," I said, brushing him off with a dismissive wave of my hand.

"No need to be so overdramatic!" Then I paused for a moment, thinking, and added in a deeply distressed voice, "But I saw him! The vile shooter! He went over there!" I pointed a trembling finger down the dark corridor, and they all hurried off in that direction without a second thought. Good. It seemed I was in the clear. I hurried up the stairs to the main floor, turned a corner here, walked quickly down a hall there, and finally reached the edge of the grand ballroom. That's it!

From here, I can just walk casually out the front doors of the palace and be completely out of danger! I saw the grand exit and started walking briskly toward it, but then…

"Excuse me, miss." I froze. I turned around. It was the stupid prince! Damnation! What to do, what to do? Oh, just act. Yes, hold the act together.

"Oh, my prince!" I lowered my gaze and bowed awkwardly.

"Are you all right, miss?" he asked, looking me over with concern.

"Your dress, it's…"

"Oh, it shames me," I said in a quiet, meek voice.

"I spilled jam all over it, I am so completely embarrassed!" That wasn't actually a lie. But… what did the prince want with a lowly, jam-covered servant? I didn't understand.

"No matter," he said gently.

"You see, Pierre talked to me about you. I know it's your first day, and things have not been easy for you in the kitchens. But he also told me that you found the tiara my irresponsible sister left on the floor, and you went straight to Pierre with it."

"Ah, yes…" I mumbled to the floor.

"So I wanted to personally thank you." Oh, what a profound honor for His Majesty to thank me!

"Oh, what a profound honor for his majesty to thank me!" I said meekly.

"It's nothing, really," he said, giving me an annoyingly handsome smile.

"And more than that, I want to go find Jean, so I can tell him myself about your honesty on your very first day." Ohhh, I was basically free! I was mere paces away from the exit! And this… this infuriating prince just had to show up and ruin everything! And why was he being so nice to a lowly, dirty servant anyway, when he normally acted like a total bastard toward the many princesses and noblewomen who came to the ball? Come to think of it, this was the first time he had ever been genuinely nice to me.

And I, in turn, wanted nothing more than to choke him.

"Oh, my prince," I said, looking down shyly.

"I don't think… that really won't be necessary."

"Nonsense," he said, and actually reached out and took my hand.

"Come, I insist!" I reluctantly walked after him. Should I bolt? Just run away? No, I couldn't. The palace guards would definitely tackle me if I sprinted away like a lunatic. Plus, my bag was literally bursting with stolen royal jewelry. My mind raced, desperately calculating my options. If he dragged me to Jean, my cover was blown. No, I couldn't let this fail now. I was getting angry, too.

I had worked so hard on my master plan, overcome multiple obstacles, and the prince just had to ruin it with his sudden burst of chivalry! I looked around the lavish corridor. It seemed we were entirely alone. I stopped walking abruptly. The prince stopped too, turning back to look at me with a questioning look. I pulled my pistol from my bulging bag and leveled it directly at his face.

"Get into this room," I demanded, gesturing with my head toward a nearby door.

"Now!" He immediately paled, his eyes going wide with shock, but after a moment of stunned hesitation, he reluctantly backed into the room. I followed him in. Luckily, the room was empty—it looked like a simple guest bedchamber. I kicked the door shut behind me.

"Miss…" he mumbled, staring fearfully down the barrel of my pistol.

"I don't… I don't understand…"

"Shut it!" I snapped, glaring right into his eyes. He was genuinely afraid. He wasn't a trained guard or a hardened soldier. This was probably the first time in his life someone had ever pulled a pistol on him. This was good, because this was certainly a first for me, too. I really didn't have it in me to shoot anyone. Even more so considering the pistol was unloaded. But I knew I had to look like a woman who would. It was my only chance of making it out of here. It all came down to acting again.

Not acting like a timid, shy maid, but the exact opposite: a fearless, cold-blooded assassin. I thought about Juliette, remembering how casually she had threatened my life. She had spoken simply and calmly, and it was all the more deadly and frightening because of it. She was the real deal, I knew, and I needed to perfectly mimic her now.

"Listen to me," I said, dropping my voice to a cold, deadpan whisper.

"From here on out, you do exactly as I say, or I will put lead inside your pretty royal skull. Is that clear?"

"Yes! Yes," he agreed hurriedly, real panic shaking his voice. I think it was working.

"Good," I said. Oh, but what do I actually want him to do? I hadn't thought this part through. Well, I guess…

"Lie down on this bed!" I ordered.

"On your back. Close your eyes, too!"

"I… what…?"

"Now!" I barked.

"Be quick about it! My finger on the trigger is getting twitchy as it is!" He complied, dropping onto the mattress and squeezing his eyes shut. I watched him carefully; it seemed he wasn't peeking. Good.

"Don't… don't hurt me miss." He mumbled.

"Open your eyes, and I'll open your skull," I added for good measure. Was that a good line? It might have sounded a bit lame, I wasn't sure… Keeping an eye on him, I hurriedly rummaged through my bag for the small bottle of chloroform. I found it and spilled a generous amount onto a piece of cloth. Then I took a step toward the prince, leaned over quietly, gripped the wet cloth with both hands, and forcefully slammed it over his mouth and nose!

"Mmph! Mmph!" he gagged and coughed. As physically weak as I was, he was lying down, and by using my body weight and both hands, I could easily hold his head still long enough for the chemical to take effect. It only took a moment, and his body went limp. Success! I pulled out my rope and started wrapping it around the prince, tying his hands together, then binding his legs and torso. Oh, I was terrible at knots; I highly doubted this would hold him for very long once he woke up.

When I was finally done, I stood up, took a long breath, and looked down at the tied, sleeping prince. He really was pretty, I had to give him that. I could definitely see what Cinderella saw in him. And he wasn't annoying anymore, being unconscious and all. I looked at his lips. They looked incredibly soft—perfectly shaped, full, and slightly parted in his sleep. Cinderella had kissed those lips on a couple of occasions. And I had felt curious, more than once, as to how she felt when she did. I…

I really wanted to know. I quickly knelt over the sleeping prince, leaned down, and pressed my lips tentatively against his. I stayed like that for a short moment. It felt nice… and warm. Then I abruptly pulled back, my face flushing with heat.

"Pardon…" I mumbled awkwardly to no one who could listen. Now I couldn't help but wonder how Bastien's lips would feel against mine. Then I wondered how Bastien's lips would feel if he were conscious …

"Did you…" It was Suzy. She had peeked out from my dress pocket and was staring at the tied-up prince.

"This wasn't according to plan!"

"Definitely not!" I agreed. Oh, I hope she didn't see me kiss him!

"We should hurry, but…" I looked around the room. There was a small adjacent service room with a heavy lock on the door. I sighed.

"Better put him in there." I grabbed His Unconscious Majesty by the arms and hauled backward. Ahhh! He was heavy! I pulled and pulled, until— THUD. He slid off the mattress and hit the hardwood floor hard.

"Sorry," I hissed through gritted teeth, wincing at the noise. I dug my heels in and dragged him. Pull! Pull! I was huffing and puffing, my muscles burning as I dragged his dead weight across the rug inch by agonizing inch. There, into the service room… get… inside… you fat… prince! Good! I slammed the door shut and locked it. Now, even if he woke up and easily broke out of my terrible knots, he would spend quite some time shouting like a mad goose before a passing maid finally heard him.

It wasn't the broom closet I had originally envisioned, but it was close enough, I thought with deep satisfaction. I slipped out of the guest bedroom, crossed the ballroom without incident, and walked straight out the main gates. I was out. Freedom, at last. With a bag full of priceless royal treasure, and my very first kiss to boot.