Chương 59: The Hero This City Deserves

My first operation was about to begin, and though I did not entirely understand what it was to be about, I gathered it was meant to be a mess. Which was, if I am honest, rather intriguing.

"Eugène," said Eulalie, "go and fetch the crew. Four Apparitors will suffice. Drizella, go downstairs to Lizzy. She'll see to your uniform and give you a weapon of your choice. If you truly have no experience with magic, better to stick to arms you're familiar with and not experiment with Bonearms. Get ready and be quick about it — we head out in half an hour." I nodded and walked downstairs. Lizzy took me through a low door into a long room lined with shelves, every one of them stacked with neatly folded garments.

She ran a string around my waist, my chest, my arms, muttering numbers under her breath, then pulled a pile out of a shelf and pushed it into my hands. There was a dressing room at the end with a mirror, and I went in and put it all on and turned around twice to see what had become of me. Dark blue, with two rows of brass buttons, and were they neat. An armband bore Azearothiel's creepy three-horned skull. And well — in contrast to what I'd worn in Napoleon's army, this had actually been designed for a woman.

And yes, I did look rather cute in it.

"Very nice!" said Lizzy with a chuckle.

"You'll be feared in the lower city and respected in the upper! And maybe some cute demon will take notice of you."

"Oh, I'm getting married," I said, and it startled me, how strange the words felt coming out of my mouth.

"Congratulations!" Lizzy clapped her hands.

"And who's the lucky fellow?"

"I… well, it's…" I looked down, my face going hot.

"I don't know who!" I said miserably.

"Well. That happens," said Lizzy, and looked at the shelves instead of at me.

"Come. Let's find you a nice weapon." We came into a room with bones hung across every wall — bones of every shape and texture, and even different shades of them, white and grey and black.

"It really depends on your preference," she said as we walked through.

"We've got Marrowfangs models, Bonesong, Saintbone… but I think we ought to go with this beauty." She opened a case and drew out a long, pale thing, "This is a Six-tooth, splinter-bore Marrowlock, dragoon model IX. It was the most popular thing going just a few years back. Wonderful balance and gentle on the shoulder.

"Thank you, but I'll go with a pistol," I said.

"Oh." She sounded terribly disappointed.

"A crude, earthy thing," she said quietly.

"But I understand why some like it. It's the boom, isn't it?" I simply nodded.

"And how about an emerald wand? A staff, perhaps?" she asked, gesturing at a smaller cabinet crowded with slender shapes.

"You know. For precaution."

"Two pistols and a hunting knife, please." They didn't have nearly so many muskets and pistols as Bonearms, but they had enough. I picked out two that suited me, along with a good, mean-looking knife. Yes, I had gorilla strength now, but I wasn't used to it yet, and it turned out I needed the weight of a pistol in my hand and a knife at my belt before I felt properly dangerous. After that, I headed out and met Eulalie and Eugène.

They were flanked by our four Apparitors—three burly humans and one tall, scaled lizard—all wearing brown uniforms and carrying muskets alongside long, sharpened bone-spears. As I joined them, we set off into the city. Now, I noticed that people in the street were watching us, and I thought many of them were watching me in particular. But they didn't look afraid, or even wary. If anything, they looked friendly. They gave us warm, respectful nods, which we returned in kind, and a few even waved.

A group of children ran across our path, holding up glowing crystals and laughing. Eugène scoffed at them. But eulalie patted one on the head gently. It was very clear that, at least in this above-ground part of the city, the citizens were quite fond of us officers. As we passed a row of small houses, a short old lizard lady, bent over a cane, hobbled out and made straight for Eulalie. We came to a stop.

"Oh… Mrs. Justiciar…" she said in a shaking voice.

"A moment of your time."

"What's the matter?" Eulalie asked.

"It's Mitty!" she grumbled, pointing up into a nearby tree.

"He's stuck up the tree! How he got there, heaven only knows!"

"BRRRROOWWWW!!!" came a horrible screech from somewhere in the canopy.

"Madam," said Eulalie, "we are in something of a hurry. I'm sure he'll come down on his own soon enough—""Oh, that's no trouble," I said, looking up at the tree.

"I'll have him down in no time." I was a gorilla, after all, and gorillas climb trees, do they not? Besides, I wanted to make a good impression and help the citizens like a good, honest officer of the law. I caught the lowest branch and hauled myself up in one motion, then went up hand over hand, three or four branches more, and there it was. One of those pale, fluffy lumps of flesh, all enormous eyes and no mouth to speak of. Popular pets in Hell, apparently — despite being, if I'm honest, damned ugly things.

It clung to a thin branch just out of reach, looking miserable and stupid I leaned in.

"Come, kitty kitty," I said.

"Psssstt, pssst." Is that what one says to a cat? Oh, it wasn't even a cat.

"PSSSSTT!" He simply looked at me. I leaned closer.

"BRRRROOWWWW!!!" it shrieked. Oh, by Jove, that horrible sound. Fine. I would simply grab him and be done with it. I leaned closer, closer still, stretched out my hand, almost touched him— It opened its tiny mouth impossibly wide and bit down my entire hand.

"AAHHHH!" I yelled. It wasn't… painful, actually. It merely startled me. But— I tried to pull my hand free and it simply would not come. His mouth had a grip like a vice, and it only tightened the harder I pulled.

"Let go, you little—" I very nearly punched the thing, but then I looked down at his worried lizard owner, and sighed. I climbed back down with my hand still lodged in the mouth of that cursed abomination. When they saw us, two of the Apparitors barked a laugh, and Eulalie made a series of weird beeps and gurgles that I had come to understand was skeleton laughter. Eugène scoffed.

"Beelzebuns seem fond of you," said Eulalie between beeps.

"You've a… novel approach with them." When the creature — the Beelzebun — caught sight of its mistress, it unclenched all at once and dropped off my hand into her arms.

"Oh, Mitty!" the lizard lady said.

"You must not do that again!" Then she looked up at me.

"Oh, thank you! You're a true hero!" I gave her a professional and heroic sort of nod. Then I looked at my hand. Ewww. It was drooly and sticky and it stank.

"Have we all day to waste?" scoffed Eugène.

"Hurry now." Oh, I would wipe every bit of this on the back of his lovely clean uniform the moment he wasn't looking. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. We walked on, and as we drew nearer our destination, I began to notice the city changing. It was less white. Less pretty. And certainly less clean. It was still handsome enough — still finer than my town in the living world — but quieter. No children played or laughed here.

Then the street opened out, and we came upon the estate — an enormous pale house set behind a wall, its wings running off in both directions, with more windows than I could count. The largest building I'd seen in the city, save the palace itself.

"We're here. The Ragn'tatt estate," said Eulalie, and she looked at me for a long moment.

"Inside, things may be… strange for you. So keep to yourself, be polite, and speak only when necessary." I nodded, and we started toward the doors. Did… did I hear music inside? We opened the door, and the music was loud now — upbeat and somehow ominous at once, though I couldn't put my finger on which instruments were making it. Ah, but it was Hell. Probably something with bones. It was all bones around here. Inside was dark, lit only by clusters of flickering crystal, and it was full of people.

Full of drunk people. They danced and shouted over the music and drank something purple out of tall glasses, and a great deal of it was ending up on the floor. And my word, they were all fairly indecent! Clearly, Hell possessed a much more permissive social code, making room for all manner of strumpets and scoundrels. Yes. This was a full-fledged party.

"More guests!" A woman came weaving toward us in what I can only describe as a long silk shawl and very little else. She looked us over.

"Oh no! Officers of the law!" She giggled.

"Is the music too loud?"

"Take us to Ragn'tatt," said Eulalie, unamused.

"But he's just a boring old man," the woman scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, fine. Follow me." As we followed her, I couldn't help but look around. There was a girl wearing nothing but a few strategic ribbons. A strikingly handsome man with his shirt open to show off a healthy set of abs; a lizard draped in some gauzy, clinging thing. Oh, and that skeleton over there was practically naked — well, that was actually fine. But the redheaded demoness in the black dress was a scandal. With that ample chest, and how very little she had left to the imagination!

What could she have been thinking? Oh, and there was a very cute demon smiling at me from around a table. I could practically see his whole jawline! I smiled and gave a little wave back. Good heavens, thank goodness it was dark, because I think I blushed myself silly. Our guide led us through a side door into a smaller room, quieter, with a long table laid with food and drink.

On the couch at the far end sat a sturdy, rather fat demon with oily black hair, flanked by a plump demoness in a red dress and a short skeleton in a military uniform buttoned to the chin. The demon in the middle looked up and saw us, and his face spread into a wide smile.

"Welcome, welcome!" he said in a warm, hearty tone, gesturing broadly.

"Do sit, eat, we've plenty. Or enjoy the party first, and we can have the boring business talk for later."

"Boring business talk now," said Eulalie. She sat down at the table, and Eugène sat, so I sat too. Our four Apparitors remained standing.

"But first we must make introductions!" he said, beaming at me.

"The famous fugitive Drizella! Welcome to our lovely city! I am Ragn'tatt, as you may have guessed." He gestured to the people at his side.

"My wife, Sally. Zul'Gath, my general manager."

"Hey!" I scoffed, crossing my arms.

"I'm not a fugitive! Nor an escapee. I came here to work for Azearothiel the moment I chose to!"

"Yes, yes, of course!" said Ragn'tatt.

"But still, you must have a story or two to tell. Rumor has it you enslaved 50 cave people after beating the many-tongued monster. Or was it before?"

"That is not at all what happened!" I said sharply.

"Enough!" barked Eulalie, and I could hear the last of her patience go.

"We are not here for your entertainment, Ragn'tatt. Tell us what you need, right now, or we leave and you handle the lower city gangs yourself."

"Oh, it's always like this with you," he said with a dismissive sneer.

"Fine. To business, then." He held out a hand, and his skeleton companion produced a parchment, which Ragn'tatt scowled at.

"Revenue's down," he said, tapping it.

"Trade activity is down by thirty percent across our southern hubs. Thirty. Caravans turning back at the gates, brokers refusing to take deliveries and three warehouses standing empty because nobody will work them." His warmth was draining out of him fast.

"And every bit of it comes back to hostile gang activity in the lower city." Then he pushed the parchment aside and looked at Eulalie.

"And that's beside the fact that they sell without permits and evade their taxes!" he said, his voice rising now.

"These criminals sell very low-quality switch-paste — some of it outright fake! And the gangs use the money to buy weapons, to increase their power, and they grow bolder by the day! These are rebels, really! Azearothiel needs a firm hand to crush them! I'm astonished he sent only two Justiciars!" I looked around the table.

"Hey. I'm a Justiciar too!"

"Four of my men injured fighting those criminals last week." he went on, turning back to Eulalie.

"And let me remind you of poor Refael, who died tragically less than a month ago. One is tempted to ask — where are the Justiciars, to keep the law?"

"As you can plainly see, we are right here," said Eulalie sharply.

"Finding the man at the top of these gangs is not simple work. Your intelligence is always thin."

"That's fine," he said, waving a hand.

"We don't need him. I have the location of several large trading hubs. Simply take a few of his high-profile dealers. Catch them, kill them, teach them a lesson. We must show a firm hand, so the rats stay in the lower city where they belong."

"If you truly have the locations of—" The door banged open, and the scandalous redheaded demoness and a lizard lady came barging in, giggling.

"There she is!" the redhead said, pointing at me.

"Told you my uncle had her!" Then she took hold of my arm and pulled, hard, and the lizard lady took the other.

"Hey!" I said.

"What— what are you doing!?"

"What is the meaning of this!" said Eulalie, rising from her chair and looking furious at Ragn'tatt.

"My brat of a niece, Za'rynn," said Ragn'tatt, waving a dismissive hand.

"She doesn't listen to me anymore. But let us continue our talk. Let the young ones have their fun."

"That is not—" Eulalie began. But my kidnappers already had me out of the room and into the noise and chaos of the party.

"Let me go already!" I shouted over the music. I tried to wrench myself free, but their grip was surprisingly firm, even against my gorilla strength.

"But you're missing all the fun!" said the redhead — Za'rynn — sweetly." And besides, we all just want to get to know you." They pushed me down onto a large sofa in the corner of the room, between the handsome human with the open shirt and a skeleton girl in a dress that was supposed to be revealing, though it obviously revealed nothing but ribs.

Then Za'rynn dropped down beside me and pressed in close — close enough that one bare shoulder rested against my arm, and the long line of her thigh lay warm against mine through the wool of my uniform. Her lizard friend sat across from us.

I was completely surrounded, and far too squeezed in with all these naked people, and I blushed feverishly.

"That's quite… quite enough." I squeaked, and had not the faintest idea what to do with my hands. Another demon, tall and pale, joined us with a tray of colorful drinks and little pastries and shoved it under my nose.

"For you. Take whatever you like." Despite it all, I did rather want one of the pastries. So I took it and put the whole thing in my mouth. And it was damned good.

"So tell us," the lizard lady began, eagerly, "about the battle with the many-tongue! No — wait. Start with the pleasure-slave cave people!"

"Yes!" Za'rynn clapped her hands, and they all looked at me expectantly.

"There were no pleasure slaves." I sighed around a mouthful of pastry.

"And there was no fight with the mimic-many-tongue." This was the third time now that someone had come at me with the maddest rumors. So I told them the whole story. About Malakarthor and Azearothiel fighting over me, and how Marguerite saved me, and how I liked the simple life with my friends in the cave, eating plump helmet soup and working the farm.

"So that's it?" said the lizard lady, and she sounded genuinely disappointed.

"All those months Azearothiel had people looking for you everywhere, and you were drinking soup? How dull!" She scoffed.

"I'll have you know it was a very nice soup!" I said defensively.

"I'm sure it was," said the redheaded demoness, slow and warm. Then she leaned in nearer still — one leg slid over mine, an arm settled along my shoulders, her fingers coming to rest at the back of my neck.

"But now that you're here… we could show you how to really live."

"That… well… I presume," I mumbled.

"You see," she whispered, close to my ear, "I have the very best switch-paste in the city. I could put it here… and here—" she trailed a finger slowly along my lip, then down my neck "—and then we could go up to my room, and I would torture you bloody. You'd feel…" a breath against my ear, "exquisite." I stared straight ahead with my eyes very wide. This… this was not tempting in the slightest!

"That's quite all right," I said in a small voice, then cleared my throat and said louder.

"But I'll have to pass."

"A shame," she said, and untangled her leg from mine and leaned back against the couch. I let out a long breath. The others drifted into talking to one another instead of at me. Apparently I wasn't as interesting as they'd hoped.

"You're going down to the lower city later, aren't you," Za'rynn said.

"To help my uncle with his petty squabbles with the dealers?"

"Yes," I said.

"I think so." She dropped her voice until she was barely audible over the music.

"The boss of all those lower city gangs. He's called Lamb," she said.

"Have you heard the name before?" I shook my head.

"He's one of the most powerful people in the lower city," she went on, quietly.

"And the most wanted man in it, as far as Azearothiel and my uncle are concerned. But for years now he's slipped through their fingers."

"So?" What was she getting at?

"He may contact you," she said.

"Try his luck with the new Justiciar. He has some grand plan about freeing the city from Azearothiel, and the like. If he contacts you… you should meet with him. Hear him out." I blinked at her. She had just told me the man was an enemy. Why on earth should I want to meet him?

"I mean, you don't have to. Just something to think about." She leaned back and smiled.

"Hey — we're the same age. We should absolutely be friends. We should switch call-dolls!"

"Ah… sure," I said, with no idea how that worked, but seeing no harm in it — even though something deep in me said this Za'rynn girl was very bad news.

"Great," she said.

"I'll have a carrier bring you mine in a few days. And who knows. Maybe you'll change your mind about my switch-paste torture offer."

"I really don't—""There you are!" An icy, furious voice cut across the music. It was Eulalie, and she hauled me up off the sofa.

"We are leaving." I followed her out and we rejoined the others.

"I bloody loathe this place!" Eulalie spat. Then she looked me over and added, more quietly, "I suppose I… well. I owe you an apology for that."

"Oh, it wasn't so bad," I said. I was still rattled by the whole strange experience, and I couldn't quite decide whether it had been good or bad.

"So what is it we have to do?"

"Two of Ragn'tatt's men will accompany us," said Eulalie.

"They believe they know the location of few of the larger dealing hubs. They lead, we show some muscle, and with luck we capture someone high-profile. There's an entrance down not far from here. We are going right now."