Chương 41

God of Thunder? Nah, I Don't Think So"It is good to see that I have not been forgotten," he said. He rose to his feet and let loose a roar of deep laughter. It dripped with arrogance and was entirely devoid of warmth.

"This guy seems like a dick," whispered Rel.

"He's a myth or legend from your planet?" I nodded. From the little I'd seen and heard so far, I couldn't help but agree with Rel's assessment. Zeus did seem like a dick. Still, like my grandma used to say: if you think someone's an asshole, it usually won't take them long to prove it. Besides, Zeus was a character in one of my favourite childhood animated films. It would be very disappointing if he turned out to be a complete piece of shit. He strode towards us, little arcs of lightning dancing across his body.

Looking at him, I couldn't help but reflect on a trend I'd noticed since arriving in the Trial Zone. Why the fuck was everyone jacked out of their goddamn minds? Azzarath, the Troll King, Pyroth. It was starting to make me feel a little insecure. Heck, even the bloody Kobold King – who was basically a walking rat – put me to shame. I flashed open my inventory pouch and my eyes locked onto one of the items I'd kept from my grind-a-thon. Troll King Steroids Are you fed up with being a skinny little bitch?

Tired of being ignored or not taken seriously by those around you? Perhaps your girlfriend has a male friend she insists you "don't need to worry about". Whatever the reason, one dose of Troll King Steroids will solve all your problems. Muscles will swell. Veins will bulge. People will laugh at you behind your back rather than to your face.

Using the item will result in the following effects: Outrageous muscularity + 5 strength Side effects may include: flexing every time you pass a reflective surface, the uncontrollable urge to say "do you even lift, bro?", and the sudden belief that sleeves are a conspiracy invented by the weak. It was tempting… but no. I was a proud member of the natty club and intended to stay that way. Well, as natty as a guy who's had his 'human limiter' removed can be, anyway.

I startled a little when I realised Zeus was now only a few metres away, looking down at us with cold eyes.

"Am I still revered as King of the Gods? Do people worship at my temples and offer sacrifices in my name?"

"Honestly? Nope," I replied.

"But you're still well known. You're a character in loads of films and video games." He stared at me blankly for a few moments.

"Films? Video games?" Oh, right. He'd left Earth thousands of years ago. I spent the next few minutes giving him a very shit, very disjointed explanation of video cameras, cinemas, CGI and games consoles. The entire time, his eyes bored into me, brows furrowed as he tried to process the information and decide whether it pleased or offended him.

"And in these films and video games, how am I portrayed? Powerful? Wise? Noble?" The time had come to find out whether or not he was a dick.

"Well, in the animated film I was talking about," I said, "you were tricked and captured by Hades, who made you look like a dumbass, and then you had to be rescued by Hercules." His face darkened. The clouds around us followed suit, the soft purple fading as it was replaced by a swirling mass of grey.

"And in the video game," I continued, "the main character impales you with an enormous sword and then beats the shit out of you until you die." The whites of Zeus's eyes burned away until all that remained was roiling lightning. He rose into the sky, arms spread wide as he glared down at us.

"I think you've made him mad," observed Rel. Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. The whole chamber had grown darker, as if Zeus's anger had cowed the light. His body was bathed in shadow. He raised a hand, fingers curling, and a seething bolt of lightning formed in his grip.

"Have humans grown so bold and ignorant that they dare show me such disrespect? To mock me and reduce my existence to nothing more than mindless entertainment?" he snarled.

"Perhaps it is time I paid Earth another visit. Clearly humanity has forgotten what it means to anger a God." His arm shot forward, launching the bolt through the air. Straight into my chest. He may have been a dick, but the guy packed a fucking punch. I went tumbling through the air, flipping end over end before crashing into the platform in a thoroughly undignified heap. It brought the total number of times I'd been electrocuted in my life to a grand total of two.

The only other time was when that asshole robot had tasered me on my first day in the Trial. This? This was so much worse. As I lay on the ground, my body spasmed wildly, bucking up and down like a bull who hated its rider with a burning and furious passion. I won't go into details, but let's just say that I'm very relieved my outfit has a self-cleaning function. When I regained control of my body, I looked down to find the entire front of my shirt had been atomised.

The skin across my chest was charred, thin trails of smoke still drifting lazily from it. I pushed myself into a sitting position, my eyes narrowing as I considered all the ways in which I was going to make Zeus pay for the indignity his attack had caused me and my clothing. And then the sounds of battle pierced my still-muddled thoughts. Rel. The clouds surrounding the platform were a deep grey now, like those you'd see in a violent storm.

They had come to Zeus's aid, little vicious bolts of lightning erupting from their depths and crashing down onto the glass. They sought Rel, but the ribbons of lava whirling around his body lashed out to intercept them. When the two elements met, the chamber filled with bursts of steam and blinding flashes of light. Rel darted across the platform, unleashing a bombardment of his own. Fireballs and bolts of lightning tore through the air, slamming into Zeus and forcing him to go on the defensive.

He flew backwards, his arms crossed before his face.

"Oi, you steroid-abusing taser," I shouted.

"Let's see how tough the King of the Gods is when I bury my foot in his ass." I launched off the surface of the platform, rocketing through the air in pursuit. Zeus's eyes widened as I slammed into him with a tackle that would have made my old rugby coach proud. I tied him up with my arms, my momentum carrying us both down until we crashed into his throne. It exploded in a shower of glass. I landed on top of him and took great pleasure in seeing the flashes of fear and uncertainty that flickered across his face.

I grinned and drove my fist into his nose. It exploded, blood splattering across my bare chest. It was gold. It shimmered like liquid sunlight, and I couldn't help but stare at it. Even his fucking blood was arrogant. Red blood? Unacceptable. Who do you think I am – some sort of peasant? No, I will accept nothing less than gold!

"You bastard! How dare you strike a God?" said Zeus, his voice a little whiny and high-pitched.

"You broke my fucking nose!" I rose to my feet and looked down at him, my eyebrows raised. He rolled around on the floor, a hand clutched to his nose. Blood streamed between his fingers, and his angry words were punctuated by whimpers that were incredibly ungodly. I glanced over at Rel, who was standing at the edge of the platform, looking thoughtful as he considered the clouds. A growing sphere of green energy was pulsing at the end of his wand, expanding rapidly with each passing second.

He noticed me looking and turned to face me, a feral grin parting his lips. The light of his spell struck his face from the side, leaving one half bathed in sickly green arcane light and the other swallowed by deep shadow. In that moment, I was very glad that I was his friend and not his enemy. He looked like the worst kind of psycho.

The sort who'd go into someone's sock drawer and steal one from each pair, who'd go online and post spoilers for new films and TV shows, who'd unscrew the lid on the saltshaker and then sit quietly waiting for someone to use it.

"Nature is a rather broad term, isn't it? It encompasses a wide range of forces," he said, nodding towards the gathering energy.

"You see, this spell is called Nature's Fury, but I think I've been rather unimaginative in how I've used it so far. Being here and watching this dumbass recruit the clouds as allies has given me an idea." He shot the orb into the clouds beside him.

"Bear witness." The orb sank into the clouds, my eyes widening as tendrils of green light bled outward, snaking through the grey like a virus. It spread rapidly, infecting cloud after cloud until the entire sky looked like it was crawling with emerald veins. Zeus pushed himself unsteadily to his feet, looking dazed as he turned to witness the full extent of Rel's spell.

"What have you done? What is this… corruption?"

"Corruption?" asked Rel.

"Can something truly be considered corrupted if it is vastly superior to the original?" Apparently the best way to make a 'God' overcome his fear is to threaten his ego. Zeus snarled and the lightning in his eyes surged back into life, flaring with a madness that had not been present before.

"You think your mastery of lightning is superior to my own? You insolent little…" his words trailed off and he stared daggers at Rel, his eyes narrowed as he tried to think of the most offensive word possible.

"Little… furry ball sack! I am the God of Thunder. You truly think you can use my own power against me?" I laughed. Hard.

"Furry ball sack?" I roared between deep, gasping breaths.

"He got you with that one, buddy. Maybe we need to revisit some of your titles. Guildmaster Furry Ball Sack has a real ring to it, you know."

"Fuck you, Pete," snapped Rel. The clouds seemed to share his anger, arcs of devastating green lightning flashing across their surface. He took a deep breath, then eyed Zeus.

"The God of Thunder? Let's put that to the test, shall we?" Zeus opened his mouth to speak, but before a sound could escape, a bolt of green lightning tore free from one of the clouds and struck his torso. He staggered backward, gasping in pain. In disbelief, he looked down at his chest, raising his fingers to probe the blackened flesh. And then Rel began waving his wand like a demented conductor leading an orchestra whose instruments were being used to bludgeon the audience to death.

The lightning responded with vengeful enthusiasm. One bolt. Two. And then, as if they were fed up of waiting their turn, dozens. Zeus was lost within a blinding, seething mass of light and pain. Even over the crackling of lightning and the booming of thunder, his cries of agony were unmistakable. Witnessing the devastating intensity of Rel's attack, I took several subtle steps backwards, suddenly feeling a little regretful about the whole 'Guildmaster Furry Ball Sack' thing.

Thankfully, it appeared I was to be spared from a round of shock therapy. The lightning began to diminish, the spell having exhausted its energy. The green veins that had spread throughout the clouds slowly faded away. They took the grey with them, and were soon once again the pleasant purple they'd been when we first arrived. And Zeus… Well, let's just say the God of Thunder was no longer appropriate.

It'd now be more accurate to refer to him as something like the God of Looking Like a Sausage That Had Been Left on the BBQ for Far Too Long.