Chương 325: Going Soft

Taken all together, there is probably no subject in the world as complicated as trust. Certainly there's some people that have a natural knack for it. My brother seems to understand the whole subject like a duck to water, he can play with trust and belief like I can work air and iron. I don't really understand how, since air and iron are straightforward, they do what they do because that's what they are.

But there's a million shades and degrees of trust and credibility, a fluid phlogiston with inscrutable rules and dire consequences. One of the things that always trips me up is how thoroughly you have to know someone before you can actually trust them. For me to trust someone with a secret, I also have to trust everyone that they trust. A transitive property.

Elica finds out that I'm at least partially lich-flavored, and she doesn't know exactly what that means but I assure her that I'm not undead and not dangerous to her. Fine. But inside Elica's mind, there is a list of people that she thinks it's okay to share that information with.

"Oh, I can tell Dohn Joe, he's trustworthy!" And he's got a list of people in his head, that he thinks he can entrust with my secrets. And so on. And almost nobody's list jus reads "nobody". Everyone's got someone they confide in, no matter what. I can say "don't tell anyone this, at all, ever, under any circumstances", but they've all got a hidden list in their head that is titled "well, of course Natalie didn't mean that I can't tell them," and they will.

If you're not careful, this quickly becomes a contagion of confidence as your secret ripples outward across the whole world, everyone telling four or five new people every day, each of them individually certain that their respect is well-placed, and each one drifting further from the secrecy I wanted. To me, the obvious fix to this is to find or forge a circle of trust, a friend group that can talk freely among themselves.

If Elica needs to talk to someone about Lich-Queen Natalie, she talks to Larianne and Vancy and Rinnie. Larianne and Vancy talk to each other and Elica. There's... not much I can do about Rinnie. It's not a perfect system. This is one of the reasons that I've started pulling people together for popcorn socials. There is a risk, obviously, bringing together several people that I am considering romantic entanglements with.

I don't think any of them are really 'the jealous type', but people can surprise you when it comes to this stuff. But I figured the benefits outweighed the risks- or put another way, I thought the risks of dealing with them individually was greater than the risks of bringing them together. For example, if Kimothy has some thoughts in his head that he needs to work out with a sounding board, and he doesn't feel right coming to me directly, he can talk to Enefiat or Kurumi.

If Belisa is trying to get some hints or suggestions, she can visit Vancy or Quarl instead of finding someone to confide in who would need everything explained to them. I can't take the hidden lists out of their heads, but if the same six-to-ten people all have each other at the top of their lists, the information moves through a small closed track instead of escaping into the larger world. Since being born as Natalie Harigold, I've made mistakes about who to trust.

Professor Quethron, the monarchs, that dumbfuck lawyer my parents got for me, Sisa Wellen, Dean Krasp. My brother, Ryichsur, Kurumi. On the other hand, I can't say that I've ever made a mistake in who I didn't trust. Make of that what you will. I pay attention to patterns like that. Obviously, the problem with forming a circle of trust and having everyone mutually confide in each other is that it only takes one rogue element to fuck everything up very deeply. And I have reason to believe that is happening.

So far, it seems the damage is minor. Someone is acting on their own, that's not nearly as dangerous as someone carrying my secrets away to my brother. But this is something I need to get figured out sooner, not later. After all, I did almost get killed for good last weekend, and whoever did it would be looking for sources of inside information. Now, one thing is obvious about the issue of trust: if someone has not violated your faith in them, you can't accuse them without it going very badly.

But if someone has violated your trust some, you can at least get answers on how much they have betrayed your faith.

"You're thinking really intensely," Tiviti said, sorting my hair into the most intricate braid yet. I wonder if she can also channel essence of silver, she's actually quite gifted at this.

"I am," I said.

"About people, about how they present themselves." I maybe should try to hide my feelings more if I can't lie to people.

"Your shoulders were awfully tense. Something specific?"

"Hah. Specific," I said. I sat up so she would have access to the back of my scalp, and so my face could not give me away.

"When I was released from Hearstcliff Prison, a year and a half ago, I first met Sisa Wellen. My father's representative in Hearstcliff, at the time. I was bitter and angry at the time, emotionally vulnerable."

"Makes sense."

"She told me that my father would not be paying for my schooling, that the duchy was in financial straits and could not afford me."

"That is wretched."

"It is. She told me that my father wanted me returned to the duchy to help with those financial straits. That some of his advisers wanted me married off for alliances, but others believed I was unmarriageable and wanted me to use my powers to help generate revenue for the family."

"Is this the same Sisa Wellen that was selling your family out?"

"You're skipping ahead in the story, but yes, she was. What my father had told her was that he wanted me back and that having one child gone for three years at a time was bad enough, without losing both of them together. I could have been back with him within the hour, but instead I avoided him for years, did not even leave a forwarding address for him. But she easily misrepresented his words, and poisoned the two of us against each other for another year."

"He didn't write to you for three years."

"That part made it easy for her, and hard for me. But when I did finally go home, I acted worse than I should have. They were not blameless but I could have let them explain more than I did. Even after I revealed to the world that Sisa Wellen was a traitor, I still took her at her word. Even though I knew my parents are genuinely good people. But he chose not to represent himself, I chose not to speak for myself, and someone who wanted us at each other's throats spoke for both of us. I was so angry...

I alienated them all on my own, when I did see them. I've made arrangements and dropped by a few times and things have warmed slightly, but I don't think we're ever getting back what we had. Some of that was their silence, some of it was her lies, and some of it was my temper. All these different mistakes created a situation we can't undo."

"Heavy stuff," she said carefully.

"Yeah. I'm going to be seeing them on Sevenday. Their duties have brought them out on the road, and they'll be near Skydown Crossing on Sixthday, close enough that they can be there to meet me for church on Sevenday. I know it's not their fault that Nathan grew up to be such a jerk. I know it's not their fault they never figured out how to deal with such a very strange child as I was. And, it's not even their fault that those three years hurt me that badly. Sisa wanted me to break ties, and she played her part.

The rest of us... played our own parts."

"This Sevenday?"

"Yes. That's why we're only making a short journey on Sixthday. I can't make a full weekend of it," I said.

"Into the caves, as far as we can, as deep as we can get, finding their older, deeper settlements. One day at a time, I don't want to overdo it. I've got Belisa coming with us, since the Blind can't detect her, as well as Licard, just in case. Of us all, he's got the most caving experience, and you've got the most tracking experience."

"Small team," she noticed aloud.

"Best for infiltrations," I pointed out. Best for keeping an eye on each other. For better or for worse. I've been lying to all of them. I told Licard I'd be avoiding danger. But I am definitely going to pick at least a couple of fights. I need to see Tiviti in action. I need to know if my suspicions are correct. Against the Blind, I've seen her use that sword of hers to impale targets at great range. And I've seen her charge it up red-hot against tough enemies at the village.

If she can use both of those abilities at once, then she can melt holes in magisters through an open window. Tiviti can't know I suspect her. Licard can't know I'm setting her up deliberately. Belisa can't know anything until I've gotten a better idea who she trusts and how she reacts. Belisa is new, Tiviti might be hiding a secret agenda, and Licard keeps his thoughts locked up more than any of the others. In all their different ways, I'm having a hard time trusting this team.

And after we come back, Fashion Week and church with my parents. Man, I really know how to set up a screwed-up weekend for myself. I must be going soft. First I hugged my brother and we had a pleasant, constructive conversation with almost no bitter recriminations at all. I'm not pretending that this might not be a ploy to get me to let my guard down, but we at least went through the motions. I've been slowly letting my parents make amends for treating me like a cuckoo in the nest.

I'm pretty sure that one of my love interests is sneaking around behind my back trying to "help" me without discussing it with me, and the last time that happened I lost a cousin, and sometimes it feels like a lost one-and-a-half. I got badly hurt and did not immediately go looking for deadly revenge, I just started methodically taking steps to make sure it won't happen again. Should I have gone blowing stuff up just to make sure nobody thinks I can get attacked without consequences? Almost certainly not.

Lady Hanje's people took care of the one we caught, and my survival alone made a laughingstock of whoever it was that almost finished me off. And, leaving that assassin alive gives my various allies a chance to curry my favor by bringing me his head and the evidence. I really do need to give my allies more opportunities to curry my favor, after all, I've been so self-sufficient that it's a little unseemly. When one reaches certain degrees of influence and authority, things just sort of get done around one.

Passive power, as it were. Like how I have bent the school's attitudes to make things more hostile towards Nathan. As I said then, I don't push people, they move out of my way on their own. He's way, way down the social ladder now, and no longer moves effortlessly through the administrative spaces.

When I take a day off, I offer the school the courtesy of letting them know when and how long, when he dropped off the map to reassemble a murder weapon, he got demerits, strikes against his grades, and assigned some time working with the custodians around the school. But part of that means that I need to practice backing off a little bit and letting things get done for me. Or I'm going soft. This might just be a consequence of me getting a streak of good luck.

There were three weeks where I was beset by one problem after another, and with help from friends, plenty of planning, overwhelming firepower, and more than my share of good luck I was able to knock down every threat as soon as they arrived. Maybe that's mellowed my mood a good bit.

"I think that's called normal," Professor Ryichsur said.

"You're not currently under trauma conditions. I think maybe you're not used to being under non-traumatic conditions. You're not a bloodthirsty person, but you're used to seeing bloodthirsty actions in yourself because you're under deadly threats all the time. And now that nobody has a knife to your neck, you think you've gone soft." I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but- "Just this weekend I got hit by an assassin that really almost had me.

It's been a long, long time since I've been that close to death, or injured so grievously. This is not the right time to tell me that I'm not under traumatic conditions." It's a test day again, and the students of the class are all busy trying their best on these tests. I'm busy grading the rest of the tests from his other classes, but that takes zero percent of my concentration.

Since I can't interact with the pupils, that means that today is time for me to sit with him behind a wall of silence and sort through all the stuff that I should be taking to a real psychiatrist, if ethical helpful confidential psychiatric treatment existed in this setting.

"Ah," he said, mollified.

"Uh, then maybe you're just in a state of shock? This is not entirely an exact science, and I'm not nearly as good at the soft sciences anyway. My understanding of behavioral psych is mostly academic." Maybe his role in all this is not to actually figure out my damage, but to throw out so many half-assed hare-brained theories that I learn how to sort out my own damage just to spite him. It might be working that way, I feel like I'm more emotionally competent now, even without the capybara's influence.

And it's certainly not his attempts at talk therapy, so I have to conclude that I'm getting better at sorting out my feelings, but only indirectly because of him.

"And maybe you don't need to disagree with every one of my self-assessments," I sniped snippily.

"It could be that I'm becoming a softer and gentler person as a result of all my experiences. We don't have to frame every discussion through a lens of trauma, defense mechanisms and neuroses. Some things do come down to personality and personal experiences."

"Ordinarily yes," the professor said.

"But, as you pointed out you did get stab-ploded this weekend. I don't think that any perceptible changes of personality right now can be said to be independent of that."

"Stab-ploded?"

"I thought I would try something out."

"It needs work," I judged.

"My hands were tied. Technically you were impaled, but 'imploded' is already a word that means something different."

"Can't use 'expaled', that sounds ridiculous," I said.

"Anyway, I'm cutting that very stupid tangent off there. I recognize that we are having this conversation right in the immediate wake of stab-plosion, but I would contend that the changes I'm remarking on preceded it. I've been getting steadily kinder and gentler. These days I don't kill anyone at all unless they are directly responsible for many innocent deaths, and are at least an indirect threat to me."

"That seems like a reasonable standard," he said cautiously. Sometimes he gets nervous when I blithely remind him that I am, in fact, an extremely dangerous killer who has slaughtered dozens of people and served prison time for it. After my mother sent me off to war, I killed Kudder the man who leveraged Sisa Wellen against my family, but also a lot of his gangster employees, just because they were in my way. And then I killed the entire crew of a three-masted ship just to send a message to Kralcit.

With that perspective, I have mellowed out a lot since then.

"Reasonable standards vary wildly based on circumstances," I remind him.

"And for one reason or another I seem to always be in extraordinary circumstances."

"For 'reasons', indeed," he echoed ruefully.

"You seem to create most of those circumstances yourself." Let's flip the script. I'll psychoanalyze him for once, instead. He just likes to contradict me. There, done.