Chương 74: Chapter 50

Meniel guided me away as the healers of the Hall worked to take care of the… Corpse. She settled me onto the couch in her office, and then busied herself walking around while humming, preparing some tea of all things. I didn't have the energy to argue as she handed me a cup and I took a sip. Ick. But it was warm, and I felt like I needed that. Plus it was helping restore some Mana so I drank some more.

"It's the hardest part of being a healer… Letting someone go."

"I could have saved him." I uttered hollowly, the failure left the taste of my own bile on my tongue. He'd died, because I'd failed.

"Not even gods can save everyone. Not even they can save their loved ones. People die."

"Not in front of me." I whispered. That was the whole point! I had Resurrection! No one should die before me! I should be able to save all of them!

"It's a rare gift. Resurrection." She spoke, and I looked up. Of course she'd seen me casting it.

"I'd heard the rumors of course. A woman killed by Trolls, restored by a little Elfling, desperately keeping the entire convoy fleeing to safety. It was a nice story."

"It was awful to experience."

"That I have no doubt." She sipped her own tea and I waited, expecting something to come, but Meniel just watched for a while.

"You aren't going to ask about the spell? I didn't mention it before."

"Of course I'm curious, but you can't expect such a spell to be so easily shared. Can you even share it?"

"I don't know. I can't even use it."

"Then someday when you can I'd be honored if you would try to teach it here. We could certainly lower the amount of deaths with it."

"I can't cast it… All of my Mana, and I still can't do it."

"We are imperfect beings." She said, the non-sequitor caught me off guard.

"The Light is an odd energy. It doesn't care how powerful one is, I've seen Magisters, ancient mages that have more mana in their pinky than I do in my entire body fail at the simplest Light Spells."

"You use Mana to cast spells."

"Well yes, we are imperfect beings. We can't use the Light directly, we convert our Mana into the Light as best we can, and use that. But… Mana is just a crutch, it's not the how." She waved her hand around in a circle like she was trying to come up with an answer. But she didn't add anything for a while, instead puffing up a bit as she tried to form the words.

"How do you cast a Light spell without Mana?"

"Same way you cast an Arcane one." She said instantly, but just shrugged, unable to properly answer.

"You can't cast Arcane spells without Mana."

"Of course you can. There are lots of spells that we use that don't use Mana. At least not directly. We shift Mana into a form, and it isn't spent, but still causes the effect… I saw that spell you used before. You were out of Mana, spent nearly every drop, but you still made all the lightning right?"

"Evocation, I just… Don't spend Mana." Evocation was a spell. Evocation didn't use Mana to cast. It was pure Arcane, shift your personal flow in a mathematically correct way, and Mana would rush in, but there was no Mana needed to cast it, and yet it was a spell… If the Arcane could do that, then why not the Light? Mana was just a crutch… Then I really was missing something important, and I'd just gotten a clue on what it was. I felt myself perking up, I couldn't help it.

A sort of answer had been something I'd struggled with for a long time. I knew I'd been missing something, but there it was. You could cast spells without Mana. I slumped just after the thought. The good feelings vanished. It didn't make up for what had happened. I'd still failed to save someone.

"Shoot. I'd really hoped I'd managed to distract you." Meniel said, snapping her fingers cutely. Then she sighed and walked over, kneeling in front of me, until we were looking right in each other's eyes.

"If you have to beat yourself up over what happened, then understand that feeling bad doesn't help him, you, or the next person you have to save." She said in a calm tone, the shift from silly woman to serious professional as always confused me a little.

"I-""Shh. Just listen." She said, pressing a finger against my lips.

"Everyone loses someone they are trying to save someday. It's the one thing us healers have to learn to accept. Whether it's because the one we are trying to save is too injured, or just too old. Sometimes people die. It's inevitable, and it's sad, and frustrating, and horrible. But it happens. If you have to feel bad for it, and that's okay too. Then feel bad, let it flow through you, don't harbor it in your heart. And use the feeling, throw it onto the pyre in your heart to make you want to save the next one."

"I can do that." I said quietly, and Meniel nodded, smiling warmly, as rose up and sat on the couch next to me. She was warm, as she pulled me into a side hug and I just sat there for a while in the quiet. Processing. I didn't know his name. He was just a guy, but I would remember his face for the rest of my life, and the face of the one that brought him here. The horror and desperation. I had to get strong enough that whenever I saw that look I could wash it away. I sniffled, drinking more of the tea.

Stupid rain indoors. —---"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I argued as I leaned in further against Papa's side.

"Now I know you're fibbing." He responded, putting the enchanted ring he was working on to the side to look at me. I looked up and met his eyes for a moment before burying my face in his side.

"I couldn't save someone."

"Dorah? I can't hear you if you're mumbling into my robes. What's wrong?"

"I couldn't save someone… I was at the Healing Hall, and someone came in… That was dead. I tried to use my Resurrect spell… It worked once, but I haven't managed to get it to work again… It didn't work, so I… He died. I failed." Papa blinked at me, his ears twitching a bit, a sure sign he was thinking and not sure what to say, then he shifted and suddenly both of his arms were wrapped around me and pulling me into a tight hug. Ah, Papa didn't know what to say, but he certainly knew what to do. I hugged him back.

I'd gotten the tears out with Meniel but at his actions it felt like more were coming, but I blinked that back.

"I'm sorry Dorah."

"Yeah… I just wanted to save him. I want to save everyone."

"My Daughter isn't a God."

"Heh. Meniel mentioned that even the Gods can't save everyone. I think she's right. Even people and things close to the gods die. But…"

"Dorah, you take a lot on your shoulders. I've always been proud of you. Your little adventure stand, your desire to learn and grow. It's all good things, but you were never very good at accepting failure. That has helped you, but everyone fails… I fail too. In life sometimes, in small things. I fail enchantments."

"That I don't believe." I mumbled, and Papa chuckled.

"Your faith in me is much appreciated." He kept hugging me, and I relaxed. Sniffling a bit. But there was nothing he could say to truly make the failure hurt less. But I could accept a distraction.

"What are you working on?"

"Hmm… Okay." He seemed to consider whether he was going to let me shift the conversation, but thankfully he allowed it.

"The ring is going to the Rangers. A test." He explained, and I blinked at that.

"Really?"

"From what Tira'nore said when she told me about the task, the Rangers are spending money on building up their equipment. They have support from the Convocation now, so they have gold to spend."

"So what are you going to enchant on the rings? What are they anyways?"

"This is a Malachite Ring. It improves one's Agility. I've been considering some enchantments, but can't decide on the best one."

"More Agility would be good."

"Hmm. Ring Enchantments are tricky. Agility could be doable. Expensive though."

"Ah, well, if it's a cheap ring, they probably want lots of them instead of expensive ones."

"Yes." This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

"Well, maybe a power enchantment to make the arrows hit harder?"

"Hmm. That's more of a bracer enchantment, could cause interference with Bracers if someone has that already, not a good idea to purposefully cause interference unless you want someone getting hurt."

"Hmm."

"Stamina? Fighting is hard, keeping going even when tired would be nice."

"Hmm. I'll have to think about that. Want to help?"

"Yes." I said quietly, as I scooted my chair in, as he started drawing out some Dust, and using Banish Dust to maneuver it into different enchantment symbols to see what would work best. —--"Well today sucked." I whispered, looking up into the light of the Moon. Elune was mostly hidden tonight, but enough of her was out to see. The Blue Child was the more visible stellar body tonight, the bluish moonlight was pretty, but it made everything a little darker. She tried her best though.

"I… I know it's stupid of me, but I wish you would have helped me… That's arrogant to say I guess… But he didn't have to die… To stay dead. I just… I couldn't do it alone. Am I even doing this right?" I asked, but got no response. It felt petty to feel betrayed, after everything, and yet I did. But the only betrayal was for myself. Wanting something super hard doesn't harden conviction. Doesn't firm your belief.

I couldn't just power up my conviction by screaming real load and hoping that would make my Kamehameha attack stronger. Looking down at my hands didn't have the answer, and looking up into the Moons didn't hold the answer either. What was the phrase? It had been one I liked from before.

"Gods helps those who help themselves?" I got up and started pacing. I didn't need to use Mana to cast spells. With the Light, how would that work, it felt important. But nothing was coming to me. How do you use magic without using the fuel for magic? Pacing wasn't working, so I started casting. All of my buffs were activated, and I even cast Mirror Image, two copies of myself appeared, and they started pacing as well, and that somehow made me feel better?

The three of us pacing back and forth as I considered what it meant. Holy power. Belief. Conviction, and Mana. There was no way to solve this, and that actually helped.

"Stop trying to solve it. It's not an equation." I muttered to myself, and that was true. Light wasn't Arcane, it wasn't Order, stop trying to make order out of it. In order to get a spell like Evocation to work… It wasn't anything, but completely understanding the Arcane flowing through the world. If you know the math of the world, there was a lot you could do. Light wasn't about math. I knelt down, my Mirror images doing the same, the three of us on one knee, and I closed my eyes.

"Let the Light flow through me." I whispered maybe a prayer, or maybe just words. I didn't touch the Mana in me, but instead just kept focused. Light. Flow through me. Flow through me. Flow through me, the same feeling when I used spells, only don't bother with Mana, it existed in me already, the Light existed in everything, just like Order, just like Life. I wasn't casting with it. Just getting it to flow… No. Stupid. I fell into a trap again. Flow was Arcane. I kept doing that.

Stop trying to get the Light to Flow. Grab it. There was no movement, because if it was moving, that meant the Light wasn't controlled by my belief. The Light in me would not move. It would gather. There just didn't feel like it was enough. Like trying to put a finger on tiny specks of gold, only for them to disappear when you moved your finger. Was there not enough Light in me? Was I doing it wrong? And those thoughts sent the Light even further away. Disappearing into nothing as I realized I had screwed up.

I couldn't doubt. There could be no doubt or I would just fail outright. I slumped, sighing letting out my frustration. I took a breath, held it in and refocused myself. Exhale. Grab the Light. It was there, and it would always be there. I believe. Slowly, I worked, not letting frustration build. I didn't need to be perfect, just enough. If the Light inside me was tiny slivers of gold, then I would just collect enough of them.

"I'm going to be a Paladin. I'm going to save my family, and my people. Elune, guide me on the path where I do my best!" I prayed, hands clenched, as I focused, no hint of hesitation, of failure was allowed. And slowly, each little speck of gold inside me. Surrounded by the flowing blue Arcane waters, was gathered up. Clenched in my mental fist not letting the sparks vanish. Until slowly I had a tiny glowing ball of Light. It was slow. Almost painfully difficult.

Each speck appeared slowly, usually when I stopped and focused on praying, or believing. I believed in a lot of things, but trying to focus on a belief, on your own conviction wasn't easy. Then slowly I realized I was getting somewhere. I opened my eyes, and my mirrors did as well, and each of them was lightly glowing from the inside. A golden spark flashing underneath my skin, just the lightest hint that I was on the right path. Finally. I looked up into the sky, at the moons above. At the half hiding Elune.

"Today I failed. Tomorrow, perhaps I'll still fail. But some day, I won't fail anymore. I swear it." And almost like a challenge, the moon above was covered by a cloud for a moment, dispersing it. But only over one of the twin moons. Like massive eyes above me had just winked at me. I'll take it. —-- It was one thing to workout when I was well rested after a full night's sleep. It was another to force my eyes open when my alarm went off, while still exhausted. I'd stayed up too late the night before.

It had been worth it, but… I should sleep, but I needed to exercise. Grumbling under my breath I stood up, wandered over to the sink in my room. Pouring a bit of water from a pitcher into the sink and using that to wash my face. Waking myself up a bit. I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was getting long again. Should probably get it trimmed. My ears always seemed too large for my head, but that was just the human view of me. They were cute though. But I looked into my own eyes.

Staring at the girl that was growing into a teenager and nodded. The orb of Light was still inside me. It was definitely a change from where I'd been stuck for so long, the only issue was on the other hand.

"I have no idea what it does." I wiped my face, and started casting. Power Word: Fortitude went first, the extra Stamina helped wash away some of the tiredness. And then everything else. Casting an array of buffs that I'd keep up during the entire day was an important part of waking up. Once I was done I finished cleaning up and preparing for the day and headed out. As usual the entrance room to the mansion was empty. It was still fairly early, and even the shop wasn't open yet.

Sha'Narin and Tira'nore would just be waking up. Papa would be asleep, and El'Tela was doing El'Tela stuff in her room. So I started exercising. Motions meant to warm myself up for the day first. While going through the motions I went back to my new addition. I hadn't gained any skill or anything yet. Either I wasn't doing it correctly, or it wasn't done, or something else. I considered using the Light as a source for a spell, but… I don't think I could exactly.

It wasn't Mana converted to Light, but something else. I finished stretching and got down, pushups first, letting my arms pumped. Even just normal pushups weren't enough, I shifted, adjusting my feet onto the side of the fountain so they were raised up and then started pumping. It quickly got my arms working. My core tightening as I held myself rigid as I went up and down. Down and up. And just like always I started hitting the limits of my strength, My arms started to shake, and I could feel my stomach burn.

But I kept going. Push through it. I could do more. I kept going even as each pushup wavered, as I nearly fell on my face each time I hit the bottom. As I did I thought back to the little Light inside me. I held it in place mentally, the Light gathered within and doing a whole lot of nothing, but what could it do? With Arcane it opened up paths towards Arcane Mind, and Arcane Meditation. Altering how I interacted with the Mana in the world, but right now, it was just there. Not enough?

Would it take time to gather enough of the Light naturally growing inside me? Was holding it even correct? None of my answers were easy to understand, and so all I could do was keep working forward. Keep pushing for the next rep.

"Just one more." I whispered as I lowered myself, arms shaking and started pushing and yet my arms refused to want to move. Shaking I kept trying, push, push just push! I can do it! Just one more! And yet nothing came. There was nothing there to give, I felt my arms waver, about to drop me on my face, but it was just one more! My grip on the light hadn't shifted, hadn't moved, and yet, It was bubbling, boiling almost, like the Light was reacting. And as I demanded I push the final rep, it exploded.

I nearly dropped, nearly fell flat on my face, but that little orb of light flowed through me, like a spell burst. And my arms pushed, bringing me up with ease. I went still staring down at the floor that was suddenly so far away and realized that I'd completed the Rep… Had I just healed myself? No, I felt it, my arms and stomach burned. The answer was obvious though, even though it took a moment for my brain to process it, still waking up and focused on just finishing that rep.

[Skill Learned: Divine Strength] I stared at the little pop up for a long time, and finally the understanding hit. The Light flowed through my body, just a tiny bit. Just the Light I had naturally gathered and held onto, and unconsciously when stressed I had pushed it towards my need. The Light wasn't like Arcane. When push came to shove. It was about need. I'd needed strength so the Light I had gathered acted. Just like how Arcane Meditation had just needed a twist in the way Mana flowed through me.

Light just needed me to shift how I interacted with the Light. My muscles glowed dimly through my skin, although that was fading quickly, and as I watched I realized it wasn't burning the energy. It was changing me. Making me the best version of myself based on my needs. I might not have that gathered Light anymore, but I could gather more, and see what else I could do. Either way. This was improvement. It was knowledge, and understanding that I hadn't had. Today, a bit stronger. Tomorrow, I would over-"Ow."

My arms collapsed. Still tired, and holding myself steady I'd been too focused and face planted.