Chương 65: Fear? Doubt?

Doubt?

POV: Evelisse Ardentia After we had settled the terrorizing plan, Nyx brought over a ring and a crest, both marked with family symbols, proof that the Hero's party members had truly been in the Dark Lord's hands. I didn't recognize both of the symbols, which made me realize, uncomfortably, how little I actually knew of the people in Astrea beyond the handful I interacted with directly.

Milo came through a little later with a few waterskins and some fruit, saying the two of them looked like they might drop dead at any moment if they did not eat. He set it all on the dining table and went back to Nyx's room alongside her to fetch them. Sis and Mel had gone upstairs the moment they learned the hostages would be brought out to eat, likely to spare themselves the sight of it. Real captives, at a table, under guard. It wasn't a thing either of them would want to watch.

The thought of going up with them had crossed my mind, b ut running from this would only weaken my resolve. It would be a kind of doubting myself. I'd made the choice and told Milo that the choice was made of my own free will. Choosing this side meant I might have to witness things that were hard, even ugly, even shameful, and turning away from them wouldn't strengthen my resolve. It would erode it. Besides, learning who the Hero's party members were might tell us something.

Something about Ywain, about whatever the Church had been planning that I'd never been told. So I stayed. They were led out untied and unarmed. A man in heavy armor, and a red-haired girl in a mage's attire. When the armored one's eyes found me, they went wide.

"Hero—" He caught himself.

"No. Former Hero Evelisse." His voice was hollow.

"So it's true. You've sided with the Dark Lord." How had he reached that conclusion? Ywain's party should have entered Aniaros Forest with him, before I saved Milo, before Ywain ever decided I had joined Milo's side. No one should have even suspected my betrayal, not unless someone had deliberately spread the idea way before. Ywain, most likely.

I had never given him a clear answer on whether I would help him bring Milo down, and he must have read my silence as refusal, and from there concluded I'd gone over to Milo entirely, and carried that up to the Church. Or perhaps the High Priest had simply seen it, in whatever way he saw things, and decided it for himself. The red-haired girl beside him only stared at me, her lips parted, saying nothing.

"You must be under some kind of mind-control," the armored man pressed on.

"You have to come back to your senses, Evelisse! If you stand with the Dark Lord, countless people will die, and— gwah!" Black lightning crackled over him, and he seized and choked on the word. The residue of it still spat around Nyx's fingertips. The red-haired mage flinched hard and shrank in on herself, her hands coming up as though to ward off a blow.

"Seems you've forgotten your place, tin can." Nyx's voice was flat.

"You're a hostage. We're allowing you to have a meal, so just eat and do nothing else. If I catch you flapping your mouth again, I'll cut your head off." Neither of them needed telling twice. They sat, and they ate. They ate fast. I could feel the desperation, and it's a sight that I have seen before in towns where people had been left for days without food after the destruction by the Dark Lord. The armored man tore through the fruit and gulped at a waterskin so quickly he choked, coughed, and kept going anyway.

The girl matched him, eyes fixed on the food and nowhere else, refusing to look up or at anything in that room. I would be lying if I said it didn't stir something inside me. To them, I had been corrupted, becoming a mere pawn of the Dark Lord. I was the one who had defeated the previous Dark Lord and brought back hope to the world, and now they were watching that same Hero stand idle while they were threatened and cowed into eating off a table like frightened animals. They must have been feeling terrible.

My knuckles had gone white at my sides, my hands trembling faintly, and I hadn't noticed them do it. I didn't know these two, but they had likely spent months or even years honing their skills to be someone worthy of a place at the Hero's side, hoping to stand shoulder to shoulder with the figure who was supposed to bring justice to the world. Only days ago, they might have marched into that forest full of pride. Their families might still be praying for their safe return.

And they'd arrived, and gave what I trust had been a good fight, and lost. Now there was nothing left for them to do but eat in terror, while the Hero they'd once looked to stood a few feet away and did nothing at all to save them. For a split second, I wanted to turn to Milo and Nyx and ask for something. Some small things, anything that can make them feel better.

A letter to their families, at least, that can inform their families that they were alive and were not being tortured But I knew what that would do to the plan. It wasn't necessary, and it wasn't safe. Sis had devised a plan that did not require bloodshed, which also involved quite a bit of effort from our end, and everyone agreed to it. Asking for more might ruin the little foundation we have as a group.

So I did nothing but watch them eat, the girl's hands still shaking around a piece of fruit, the man's eyes fixed on the table. Moments later, I found the sight too much for me to bear, so I turned and stepped outside. Outside, I stood beside Astra, one hand resting along her neck as she shifted her weight and lipped idly at the grass, her tail flicking now and then at nothing.

Above us the sky had begun its slow turn toward evening, the blue deepening at its edges, the light going long and golden across the grassland. It made me think how fortunate we'd been that it hadn't rained these past few days. Luke could simply shift into her human form and take shelter indoors, but Astra was a true horse; she had no such option. She'd need a proper stable, or at least a covered space, before the weather turned.

Perhaps I could raise this concern with Milo, and— This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"Hey." A familiar voice, right beside me. I turned. Milo had come out to stand at the edge of the porch. He looked... tired, in the way people do after a long day, but his expression was gentle.

"Sorry you had to see that," he said. Had he noticed? My discomfort from earlier, had it been that plain on my face?

"No, I—" A small shake of my head.

"I think I needed to see it. So I can face myself better."

"Face yourself?" I nodded.

"When I chose to save you, I knew it would mean witnessing things I wouldn't be comfortable with. Perhaps doing them, too. Things that go against the Church's teachings, and even against ordinary decency." My gaze drifted back toward the deepening sky.

"I decided I wouldn't look away from those things." Milo said nothing, letting me find the rest of it.

"I've seen a great deal of despair before this," I went on.

"People who'd lost their homes, their families. Struggling to scrape together even the smallest necessities, all because of the destruction the Dark Lord left behind. It hurt, every time. It still does, when I think of them." I paused.

"But at least, then, I knew what to do about it. I could go to the kingdom for aid, and I knew that the moment I defeat the Dark Lord, things would get better."

"What I saw just now wasn't as terrible as any of that. No one lost their home, and I know you won't kill them." My throat tightened around the next part.

"But watching them be that frightened, and knowing I chose, willingly, to stand there and do nothing to help them, that felt... painful." I turned toward him, startling him. Then he looked away, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, a gesture I'd noticed he often did.

"Um, I'm sorry." A small laugh escaped me despite myself.

"Why are you apologizing? I know you did your best. I'm grateful that you and Nyx were willing to go along with sis's plan at all."

"Yeah, I mean, we're a team now. Everyone's opinion should count for something." He hesitated.

"And I'm apologizing because... this still happened because I need the Terror Level to go up. So it felt like the mess was kind of on me."

"But you told me you have no say in how any of it works. That the only way for you to grow stronger is to raise the Terror Level."

"Yeah."

"Then it isn't your fault." The words came easily, because I believed them.

"You're willing to take the harder road, the one that doesn't just level towns or kill people. I never once saw that in the previous Dark Lords. You're…different""Yeah, I know, but you still had to—""I'm fine." A breath.

"I only need a little time to settle myself." A pause, and then, because the practical part of me couldn't stay quiet for long.

"And we should think about where this goes from here."

"You mean after we beat Ywain?"

"Yes." My gaze drifted back to the darkening sky.

"I don't imagine this can go on forever. Even I can see that a bloodless solution won't carry us indefinitely. Sooner or later, if you want to keep getting stronger, there'll come a point where the only way left is atrocity." Something crossed his face at that.

"And I don't want the Church sending Hero after Hero for us to keep cutting down, either. So we have to work something out. Maybe the answer is simply... accepting that the Dark Lord is here to stay. If we could somehow convince the Church you mean no real harm. You did tell me there's no urgency to raise the Terror Level, except for your own strength, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Then it might actually work." But he didn't look reassured. If anything, a shadow of doubt had settled over him.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You seem unsure."

"It's just... there are still some things I need to be certain of." He chose the words carefully.

"What you said makes sense. All of it. But there are a few variables you don't know about yet, and—""Can you tell me what they are?" He was quiet a moment.

"I'm... not sure yet. I need to confirm a few things first. But once they're clear, I'll tell you. I know I've said this before. I just—I really do have to make sure first. Give me a little more time." I studied his face. There was no evasion in it, only a genuine seriousness. Whatever he was holding back, he wasn't holding it back to hide it.

"... Okay."

"Things are more messy than we thought," he said.

"And I'd rather make sure about most of it before I tell you. Otherwise I'd just leave you more confused without having any of the answers. So I need you to…to just trust me. It'll all be clear soon. I promise."

"Milo. The moment I decided to walk into this forest, I already put my trust in you."

"Y-yeah." He almost smiled.

"I just figured a little extra reassurance might make you feel... better?"

"Well. It did." My voice steadied.

"But I do need you to keep that promise. Sis and Mel are here now too, because of it." Guilt flickered across his face.

"Yeah. I know. Don't worry. I'll tell you everything, all of it, once I'm sure. Soon."

"Good. Because if you didn't—" And here something shifted in me, unbidden.

"If you didn't, I think I'd be devastated. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, and that's a frightening thing, isn't it? To hand everything you have to a single person, knowing all the while that they could choose to betray you." The words were out before I'd decided to say them. Why had I phrased it like that? He'd already told me he would tell me everything. Did I not trust him enough? Was that why I had to say it, as insurance? To remind him, just in case, of how much I'd given up to stand here?

"I won't," Milo said, and there was no hesitation in it at all.

"No matter what happens. I won't betray any of you."

"I know. I—" Heat rose in my face, and not the pleasant kind.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. It was like I was... manipulating you. Making you feel guilty on purpose."

"N-no. It's fine. I understand." But the silence that came after was an awkward one, and standing in it, I only felt worse.

"Um," Milo started.

"Maybe we should—""I should head back in." I was already turning.

"To check on Mel and sis."

"O-okay." I walked to the door and left him there on the porch. The living room was empty now. Turning right, I climbed the stairs toward my room, and somewhere on the way up, something caught up with me all at once. Fear. Fear of Milo keeping something from me that I ought to know. Fear of a betrayal that hadn't come, and maybe never would. I'd turned these worries over before, and each time I'd told myself he wouldn't do it. That he wasn't that kind of person. Somehow.

I didn't understand why, but the moment he'd brought it up again, him saying I'll tell you everything eventually, it had frightened me. Left me feeling strange, and perhaps a little selfish. Some part of me had wanted him to know how much I'd surrendered to be here. To understand that he had better not betray me. Because if he did… My heartbeat climbed. I feel like I would break.