Chương 80: Past Lives

POV: The Dark Lord, Milo Miles"I do remember my past life," I said. Nyx's eyes went wide, which I didn't understand why at all. She, of all people, should know that already.

"You know, how I was a broke college student with a crush on a girl who already had a boyfr—""I'm not talking about Ivy and your idiotic last life," Nyx snapped.

"I mean the ones before that, you idiotic idiot." Right, of course. I'd figured that was what she meant, but I'd answered the dumb way anyway, partly to keep the mood loose, partly to buy myself a few more seconds to actually think. Though... how did Nyx know about Ivy? Had I ever told her about Ivy? I couldn't remember doing it. Maybe it was just filed away somewhere in whatever paperwork the Afterport kept on me.

"So…you mean, like what happened to Adlon?" I said.

"The visions he got, of a bunch of other people, like flipping through a video game, and all of them were supposed to be him from previous lives?" Nyx nodded.

"I mean, I wouldn't exactly want to turn into a mons—""Forget the monster part. Assume that doesn't happen." She was really pushing for an answer on this one. What was that about? Was this the thing she'd been chewing over for days? Whatever it was, it clearly mattered to her, which meant I owed it a real answer, not a flippant one. So I thought about it. Honestly? I wouldn't... mind, I supposed. But I couldn't think of a single reason I'd actively want it, either.

More of an if it happens, it happens sort of thing. I was already me, wasn't I, as I stood now? So what would knowing my past lives even add? It wasn't as though I could go back and change any of it. There was no urgency to it, no purpose I could see. And besides, what if I'd been some pathetic loser? Or worse, some kind of monster, some great evil? I'd just end up drowning in guilt over things I couldn't undo.

And if I'd been some dazzling success, a real somebody, that'd sting too, since it would be a reminder of how far short of it I fell now. Either way, I couldn't find the positive side of it. Nyx was still watching me, close and intent, giving me the room to think it through, for reasons I couldn't begin to guess. Why did this question matter so much to her? And something about the way she was looking at me stirred up a feeling I couldn't name.

A strange reluctance to answer at all, as if getting it wrong might quietly end something between us. I didn't even know what that something was. There was just... something; I couldn't work out why I cared so much about protecting it. Was I expecting more from—from whatever this was? What about Evelisse, and whatever we had going on? God, was I being a creep and super selfish right now? Come on. Get it together. Stop overthinking and just answer.

"I don't think I'd... actively go looking to remember any of that," I said.

"I just—I don't really see what I'd get out of it." Something crossed Nyx's face. It was small, barely a flicker, but it was there. Something that landed, and fell. For whatever reason, I felt an urgency to fix it, if that's the word. If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

"—but if it happens, it happens. I'm not against it or anything. I just don't see the point in wanting to remember. Like, what would it actually get me? If that makes sense." Nyx was quiet, turning it over.

"What if it made you recall something important?"

"Well... depends what it is, I guess. I'm sure there's plenty of important stuff buried in my past lives, but would any of it actually matter to me, now?"

"What if it's... important for someone else?"

"Huh?" I frowned.

"What do you mean? Like, it matters to another person? If I remembered my past life, this other person would be, what, happy?"

"H-hypotheht—I mean, hypothe—hyphoteth— tch. Shit." Nyx's tongue tangled itself into a knot, which I found kind of hilarious. She cleared her throat, hard.

"Just … hypothetically speaking. What would you do then?" I pinched my chin and stared down at the grass, letting out a low hmm. I probably looked ridiculous, but I'd already committed to the thinking-pose, so I saw it through. If someone else stood to gain from my past knowledge—if it mattered to them, really mattered, that I remember—then... no, I didn't think I'd be against it. It'd come down to whether the costs outweighed what they got out of it, sure.

But since I had no clue what my past lives even held, I couldn't really weigh that. The risk was all on my end: whether I'd come out the other side broken, or crushed by whatever I found, all so someone else could have what they needed.

"I guess it depends on whether that person's important to me?" I said.

"And on what's at stake. If I were sitting on some crucial knowledge that could save the world from destruction, then yeah, obviously. But if it's something more personal, it'd come down to who the other person is."

"Who... that person is," Nyx repeated, slowly. I didn't know why she echoed it like that.

"Yeah, like, if it were some random stranger on the street, probably not? Though, again, it'd depend on the payoff. If it's world-saving knowledge, then I'd—""What if it's me?"

"... Huh?"

"H-hypotheth— ugh — hypothetically speaking! What if it's... me?"

"Like… you'd be the one who benefits, from me remembering things?" Nyx nodded. And when I looked at her, she looked… different. She was flushed, faintly, and there wasn't a trace of her usual sharpness anywhere in it. No scowl, no smirk. Just a nervous, open sort of look I'd never once seen on her. For a moment she didn't seem like Nyx at all; she seemed like someone else entirely, yet there was that odd feeling of familiarity.

And my heart started going faster, for whatever reason, which set off the guilt again, because I couldn't name it. Probably just leftover instinct from my pathetic last life and its pathetic habit of getting flustered around girls. And Nyx so rarely showed this side, whatever this side was, that it caught me off guard. Yeah. Loneliness and nerves, that's all it was. It wasn't like I was doing anything forbidden, anything unfaithful to Evelisse.

Then again, Evelisse and I weren't even together yet, so did it even count? God. What was I supposed to be thinking here?

"I... I think... that'd be okay?" I managed.

"Remembering, if it's for you. You've done a lot for me. So remembering something, for your sake…I don't think that'd hurt." Nyx's eyes went wide. The flush deepened. Her lips parted, like there was something right there on the edge of them— Then she swallowed it. Whatever it was, she pushed it back down.

"O-okay. That's it. Now go."

"... Sorry?"

"You heard me. Can I go now—I mean." She caught herself." You can go now."

"You mean... I'm dismissed?"

"Yes, pig-brain. Go back inside and do whatever you were doing. Or—" she faltered "—on second thought, I'll go to my room. You stay out here and keep doing whatever you were doing before." That made zero sense, but before I could get a word in, she'd already spun on her heel and was striding for the house, fast, and the door shut behind her with a solid thunk.... Okay? What was that about?

I glanced at the window, and for half a second thought I'd seen a ghost, before it resolved into Lunessa, watching me with a small, knowing smile. She was holding a letter. Arkhay had gotten back to us, then. PING. And right on cue, a voice I hadn't heard in a good while. Time for some new skills.