Chương 12: Timber

I couldn't exactly say I saw my fair share of weird shit. The gangbanger with an alien knife was the top of the list, and it was a bit pedestrian compared to giant tree people threatening to kill everyone. But I wasn't complaining. This was my wheelhouse.

"The Arboreal Senate demands reprisal for the human sin of conquest over woodfolk! This can only be paid for in the blood of man!" Well that shit sure wasn't going to happen. I looked over at May, whose hand was going up to her ear.

"Don't," I said to her, and she looked at me like I asked for ten grand in unmarked bills.

"Are you nuts? We need to get the SIT or maybe the Wave or-" I cut her off.

"You don't. You guys didn't have someone who was ready for this. You do now. This is exactly what I need to cut loose." The soreness in my muscles practically rinsed away. It felt like I had woken up from sleeping on a cloud. At that point, though, I knew I needed a disguise. The chaos kept eyes off of us. I tried to look around for anything to pilfer as a face covering, until my gaze brought my left arm into view. There was a huge split in my sleeve. The shirt was already ruined.

Crossing my arms, I ripped both sleeves off and leaving my arms bare to the sun. This sounded more macho than it really was, given it was hard to build up muscle when everything is light as a feather to you. I spoke as I started tying the sleeves around my jaw and scalp to disguise the silhouette of my head.

"Evacuate people. Get the place clear. Find something to cover your face with in the meantime. I'll keep them busy, and then you're going to come help." She continued to look at me like I was offering moon-side property.

"You're gonna fight these things by yourself? What if they can bypass your powers?" The only answer I could offer there was a shrug.

"If they can go past mine, they'll go past the others too. Just trust me on this." With that, I started sprinting towards the Christmas tree collection, who were rushing towards a group of people. He brought a leg back and swung it toward them. Unfortunately for him, I made it in the nick of time, slamming my whole body into the limb. I took the blow like I was struck by a pillow, and sent him crashing down onto his back.

"What manner of meatbag chicanery is this!?" He yelled out, his voice booming. I think it was a he. They weren't wearing clothes but I didn't see anything on him confirming one way or the other.

"You came to the wrong woods," I taunted, and remembered why I didn't talk much on the job. He was able to withstand the tackle, so I needed to put more in to get some results. His friends were already rushing towards me, and even if they couldn't hurt me, I couldn't get much done in a six-on-one. I needed to run the numbers down, and I had to do it fast. My first thought was to just start crippling them. The one I had pinned by the leg was my first target. I raised my arm and slammed it down on the leg repeatedly.

Each stroke of my arm cracked it like an egg. By the third strike, the leg exploded into a cloud of splinters, leaving a visible stump.

"You filthy monkey!" He yelled. Good to know they felt pain. I was about to get to work on his other leg as I saw vines and foliage already pouring out from the stump I just made from him. God damn it, they healed. And the others were coming too close for me to just wear down on the first until I found a weak spot. I resorted to just grabbing the other leg, fingers digging into his bark, and began whirling around. Bringing the wooden bastard up with me, I swung him like a bat into his friends.

E ach one was sent onto their asses until the last backed away from me. Good enough. Gave me space to start surgery on the one in my grasp. I raised him up over my shoulders and brought him down onto one of his pals, before clambering into the mess myself. It was time for acupuncture therapy. I kept punching into the thick wooden hide, trying to see if I could find a different texture than bark.

"Where-" KRK"Do-" BWAK"You-" GRKR"Not-" If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. KRRAK"Heal!?" CRUNCH I had ripped five holes through this thing. Some swiping gouges, and others I had just thrust my arm in down to the shoulder. All wood.

"You fool! Warriors of the Arboreal Senate will mend all wounds laid by man's touch! I will bear all pains until man is rendered gone from the Earth!" So I couldn't hit them down. I couldn't. Me. But it wasn't just me out here. I looked around, using the two fallen tree-men as perches to look around. May was still guiding civilians away. I needed time.

I raised a foot and slammed it into the head of one of the tree men, splitting it in half before hopping down onto the other and letting both feet do the same job to his head. The remaining four were starting to spread apart, likely because it was only one of me and four of them. Unfortunately for them, I was a pretty good pitcher. I took off after one of them, the nearest at that point. A similar tackle to one of his legs brought him off stance, just enough for me to yank back and bring him over my shoulder.

I whipped my entire body forward, sending his wooden frame hurtling towards one of his friends. They both crashed down into the ground, kicking up dirt everywhere. The other two were too far, so I needed to improvise. Looking around, I spotted a park bench that was probably the best I was going to get. My arm came up, and in the downward movement that followed, I split the bench in two. Hefting up both halves, I hurled each one at the two tree men.

The first crashed through one of his legs, sending him onto his back. The other took his bench-half to the midsection, putting a hole in it and sending him to the ground. They were going to all heal from this soon. I needed more time, and instead of being given that, I was given a sudden overcast. Wait, no, that was a tree trunk-like foot overhead. I brought my hands up to catch the stomp. No real weight or pressure, felt like the hydraulic press. Dr. Way said it took over a hundred tons to split pine.

There was a passing thought about how much force I was putting out when I was ripping these guys up. But more importantly, while he was above me, I couldn't walk out and maintain steady footing. If I went on my back, it'd be game over. That's when I was surprised by a flash of light the size of a car that slammed into the leg, and sent the wooden asshole stumbling back.

Looking in the direction of the shot, I spotted a familiar outfit, though without the jacket as it was instead wrapped around the person's head, leaving only slits for eyes. Prominent blue ones. May. Thank God.

"They heal from anything I do to them! Something about no wounds from man's touch! I got an idea!" I yelled out.

"I tried burning one but their bark's too thick! I can't focus enough heat in!" She yelled back. Well wasn't that peachy. And then, much to my surprise, I was swept off my feet by the same wooden leg from before. I couldn't even brace from impact thanks to not even realizing it was coming. Dumb move on my part, should have been paying more attention. But it was an opportunity, he just handed me an opening on a golden... wooden platter. I had was already airborne from the sheer inertia of the movement.

I managed to half-roll through the air, but turning without something to push off of was probably the most Herculean thing I could do. Guess I hadn't earned the name yet. That's when the giant fist came. Perfect. I brought my arms close together, not to brace for impact, but just so I could catch them in between the gaps between the tree man's knotted fingers. I put more force into this grip than I had in anything, bringing my arms apart and splitting his forearm wide open.

I put all my money on the idea their insides might be more flammable than their outsides. With a lack of anything to grab, I fell. During the fall, I yelled out to May.

"Fire! There!" She followed my cue, leaning forward. Noticeably, there was nothing in the air. I thought maybe there was a limit to her power I hadn't noticed until a bright flash and plume of smoke erupted from the stump, and fire followed soon after.

"Fire! The meatbags have invisible fire!" The other tree men looked towards their burning companion, and began converging on May. One had a hole in their chest from the bench I put in it, which May picked up on before I could even say anything. Another flash of fire in his chest, sending him sprawling away. That was two down, four left. I moved to the one closest to me, shouting out something inarticulate to May as I hooked a forearm into the wooden being's leg, yanking back and sending him falling onto his face.

I then rushed up to his arm, yanking it off from the shoulder and giving another holler and pointing at it. The fire immediately erupted in front of me, nearly taking some eyebrows off before I backed away. Another scream from the tree men. Three left The two I had split the heads of were recovering the gaps still left from the wounds, realizing now they were open targets. Unfortunately for them, I still had one of their pal's disconnected arms. I hurled it towards them, catching them by the legs as I rushed over.

When one of them put a hand down to post himself up, I soccer kicked it out from under him, which May had answered by igniting the stump. The other fell in such a way he couldn't cover the gap in his head, leaving it a spot to burst into flame as well. At this point, the smell of smoke was everywhere, and it was awful. One remaining treeman stood. His face was inscrutable. It looked more like a collection of moving knots. But its voice echoed out.

"We have failed in our raid. But we will return, sons of apes! Your days on this Earth are NUMBERED!" He then let out this awful, shrill noise as vines burst from the ground, coiling around the burning tree men and himself, yanking them into the ground. The noise was muffled by dirt before going away entirely. Letting out a groan, I turned to look back towards May.

"Ever do anything like that before?" There wasn't even a second's hesitation.

"Hell no and that sucked! We should've gotten the team at least!" And that, for some reason, was the ticket to have me laughing hysterically. At that very moment, that was the best joke in the whole damn world to me. I could barely keep myself up as I walked towards her, finally catching my breath to speak.

"You have to admit that was fun. We did actual superhero shit. You wanted to know what entertained me? Well you just found it." I couldn't see her mouth or her eyebrows, but I could see by her eyes that there might have been something of a smile.

"If it didn't nearly get a bunch of people killed, I'd almost agree. We should get out of here, we're going to have to file a report with Tancred." I frowned.

"What, no hike?" She just shook her head, her muffled voice pushing past her mask.

"Let's just go get a pizza or something instead."