Chương 34: Birthdays

May showed me a lot of the basics on how to use my phone while we waited for the other ones to have their information backed up. I was genuinely impressed with how much they could shove into a hunk of plastic and fiberglass. Those materials were so brittle in my mind that I was worried I'd accidentally fold it in half just holding it, but maybe lady luck was shining down on me enough to give me just enough dexterity to avoid that.

The topic had then moved to more miscellaneous things, banal small talk about nothing productive. I learned nothing about her, and there was nothing to learn about me. Felt like a silhouette of a conversation if anything. It was then interrupted by Sam scrambling down the stairs, a loose french fry sticking out of her mouth and eyes sticking out of her head like a freshly-squeezed stress toy.

"Oh no no no no-" she repeated, waving a hand about as she approached one of the many computers in the laboratory. She feverishly clicked and pressed away at various buttons I couldn't identify if I tried. Did prompt a reaction out of me though.

"What happened?" Simple enough question to ask.

"Every security system I put up is having a panic attack and I'm betting you it's whatever Jairo put on his dang phone!" Sam called out, prompting me to glance at May, then at the device the phones were being cleared out in.

"Did... whatever get put in the phone get put into the thing?" Another simple enough question, in my opinion. Didn't get a very simple answer, though.

"No, that couldn't be it on its own. Those go into a separate hard drive, on a different operating system. It's not partitioned or anything like that, it'd be like someone going from one warehouse to another, there's no direct connection." That didn't really make much sense to me. You could get from one warehouse to another just fine.

"Can't you just... get to another warehouse by following the road or the sidewalk?" Sam stared at me for a few seconds before slowly shaking her head.

"I think I went for the wrong analogy. These are basically on two separate planets. There's no direct interaction, while I can view both separately at the same time, there's nothing that should pair them up. I even made sure all the same core files are slightly different so that in any handshake, files wouldn't bounce ove-" The rant stopped before she suddenly slapped her desk.

"Snickerdoodles. The birthdays." I shot another look towards May, who spoke.

"The birthdays?" Sam shot upright, dragging her palms across her face, fingers under her glasses.

"I keep your birthdays on record as their own text files. Specifically, I measure them in something called Unix time..." Alien talk again, but I couldn't get in the way of that. Something about hashes. There would probably be something, at some point, she could say that might make sense to me.

"But if two text files, with the exact same format and information..." More ranting about things I couldn't understand. It just flew through one ear and out the other. Something about handshakes and protocols. It was punctuated with a groan.

"Tancred's gonna strangle me..." Been there.

"Is there anything we can do?" I asked, wondering if somehow this was a problem I could just punch. It would probably not be a problem I could punch.

"Unfortunately this isn't a problem you can just punch." Called it.

"Alright, so looking through, it's crappy ransomware.

'Give us money as a giftcard or we delete everything.' That's all I see. But that's still a clear intrusion, if anything else got on, I'd be surprised. They'd need something more sophisticated. But now it means I have to shut down everything and dig this crap out."

"Which means?" I asked, conceding that she was talking on a level I just couldn't understand.

"It means our communication network is going to have to be shut down for at least a day. I'm not gonna be able to attend the demo either. Agent Tancred isn't going to like this, but it's necessary for security's sakes. Can one of you go get him?" May tapped me on the arm, before pointing at my phone.

"Great chance to try it out," she suggested. Flicking through the phone, I did find the way to call Tancred, which I did, before struggling to find a way to hold my phone up to my ear. A trilling sound played for a few seconds before an audible click.

"Shocked you could dial my number without poking holes in that thing." His voice sounded even worse over the phone.

"Sam needs you in the lab, now," I explained. Awkwardly, I followed that up while completely ignoring whatever garbled audio was coming out to tap the red hang up button. The following four minutes were thick with tension, but I was able to ignore the worst of it now that I could actually keep track of the time. Something was probably wrong with me if I was this amused by having portable access to time. The door WHAMMED open as Tancred's shoes clacked down each step.

"Alright, where's our egghead?" He asked, already looking right at me. I pointed towards Dr. Way, whom he approached in a smooth stride. Hoping he didn't plan on actually strangling her, I rushed after him, May behind me.

"What's the issue?" Tancred asked, leaning over to look at the screen. I peeked over his shoulder to see the screen as well. A cartoonish depiction of the Devil, laughing. Two images of its mouth opening and closing. Next to that, text. YOU'VE BEEN GOT BY A TECHNOFIEND PLEASE ACQUIRE $10000 VIA GIFT CARDS AND E-MAIL GIFT CARD CODES TO [email protected] YOU HAVE 24 HOURS OR ALL FILES GO BYE BYE >:) The agent's palm ran over the mostly scalp portion of his head, his posture oddly still.

"Alright, we're going to need to figure out where the hell that email address is hosted. Probably a proxy but we can use it as a start. Luckily, these idiots screwed up and decided to hack a system owned by the feds, so they're going to get real pounded-in-the-ass prison time. Are you able to get rid of this?" He asked, pointing to the screen. Dr. Way shook her head.

"Not instantly. Since it was able to sneak its way through via two files just looking the same, it probably has a lot of ways to embed itself. It's going to take me all of today and tomorrow to make sure it's completely rooted out and there's nothing else. And I can't even imagine how long it's been on Jairo's phone, waiting for a deploy." Tancred's hand left his head.

"This was on Jairo's phone?" She nodded.

"Yeah, this had to be whatever's been causing issues on his phone. It probably wasn't compatible with mobile hardware so it just kept causing issues from trying to deploy. A lot of programs keep accidentally showing up on mobile systems and not working these days, you'd think after six years they'd have fixed that. I'm not complaining though." This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. The agent groaned, dragging both palms across his face."'

Yes, Tancred, high schoolers are totally reliable with digital security protocols, they're more tech savvy than us old farts! What do you mean you wrote the CIA's book on phreaking? What even is that?' Fucking horse shit." Most of that was in some mocking voice he put on. Not certain of who.

"You wrote the CIA handbook on phreaking?" Dr. Way asked, as though that was the relevant part.

"Me and like four other guys, but I still keep my little whistle I got from a cereal box that I used to use to get through embassy dial-up systems." The scientist let out some sort of bemused noise.

"I know T1 carriers killed frequency-based phreaking in 2006, but aren't you only in your 40s? Most 2600hz phreaking involving whistles was done in the 80s."

"Most, but the average third world government was using 80s tech until six years ago. And stop distracting me with that shit! What do you need to do to get this junk out?" A few more clacks of the keyboard as she spoke.

"As I said, I need to root around in every system, and I need people to absolutely not be interacting with it in the mean-time. This means there's going to be a communications freeze."

"Can't be done. Need comms during the demo."

"Then we risk losing terabytes of data."

"A risk is fucking fine, we need the kids deployable for an ADU attack-""You're telling me you don't have a single portable radio in this entire building that you can use to tune into the police department's radio frequency?"

"This is ridiculous-""Tancred, this is the very well-known risk of having an extensive communication network. We've seen the issue now, before we went public. We can deal with it before it's a big deal. Now please go do what I asked. Have one of the admin staff get that radio and tell them about the communication blackout. Paper only until I give the clear. No longer than 36 hours, I promise." The agent didn't bother responding with words this time.

He just let out a marble-mouthed, gargling groan as he turned around."' These kids are the future, Abe!' My ass. You've got 30 hours, Way. I'll get you coffee so you can stay up. Do you want your kids to stay with the nanny in the meantime?" Sam shook her head.

"They won't be a distraction for me, I'd rather them not be away from their mom any longer than needed." That was a lot for me to take in all at once. Sam not only successfully argued Tancred down into agreeing, they seemed to have an almost reasonable rapport at one point. Why the Hell doesn't he act like that with the rest of us? Why are we all insulted?

"Hey, I got a question-" interrupted May. Sam and Tancred both looked at her. She continued.

"Leo's only just got his phone. Do you think his isn't infected? Since that means maybe a landline could reach us and then there's no hacking risk?" Sam glanced at Tancred.

"How many times has the phone been turned on?" Tancred was quick to answer.

"I turned it on once for the wallpaper." Fucking Tancred.

"Leo turned it on a second time to see the wallpaper. Twice total in a week. Do you think it's a vector?" The doctor then looked at me.

"Have you experienced it doing anything that felt slow or unresponsive?" I wouldn't even know what that looked like, but it was better for me to just shake my head.

"Not that I could see." She nodded.

"Alright. Can you hand it over for a second?" Following her request, I held the phone out. She picked it up and tapped away at it for a couple of seconds.

"Just using data. Not on the internet. I don't think it could've been hit. Just don't mess around with it, only hold onto it for calls." That was pretty easy, given the most interesting thing I could see about the phone was the fact it could tell time. The doctor handed it back to me and I slipped it away, while Tancred spoke.

"So do I still need to talk to that bitch and get a stupid radio? Because it's a lot easier for me to just have someone send a note out to the police department what phone number to call until this has been resolved than to explain why we need their police radio frequency again." Again? Where else was it being used? Sam shook her head.

"No, May's suggestion honestly saved us a lot of effort, thank you for that." May struck a little pose.

"Okay, I need you all to not be here distracting me. Rest and get ready for your press conference, you two. And Tancred, please go be you somewhere else."

"I'm me everywhere, kid," he sniped back as he trudged off and up the stairs. May and I gave him a couple of minutes before we exited, and she spoke.

"Well, we're gonna be a little dependent on you for the next day or so. How do you feel about that?" I just shook my head.

"Like this is a whole lot of extra weight on me." She gave my arm a smack.

"Good thing you're so dang strong, then!" She taunted, before heading off to her room. Defeatedly, I trudged off to mine. Another time to practice stances. Looking at my phone, I had a few hours before I needed to get sleep. I dedicated those to snapping into a fighting stance. Followed all the steps pointed out by Chris and Jairo. Chin tucked, shoulder forward. I was right handed, so I decided my left shoulder should go forward this time. The issue was my hands.

They were in a fine spot for normal pushing and punching, but that punch Guapo did in the video. He brought his fist to his right hip. I mimicked that motion, and then brought my fist out and forward. The first thing I noticed was how comfortable it was for my hand to just naturally turn. I wondered if letting the turn be part of the collision would be more useful. In my case, it didn't matter, I supposed. The second thing I noticed was I didn't feel any working of my shoulder.

How was this punch supposed to have that much impact? What else was I missing? I gave a few more loose throws, aimed towards the wall. Nothing. Zip. Nada. There was something missing. I'd need to re-watch that video later. I focused on what I knew I could do, and just kept repeating drills of the stances for that remaining period of time before finally retiring to bed.

The following day came like a tsunami, washing me with activity and fidgeting and panic as we were loaded up into the van with our actual costumes towards the venue. The event time was going to be noon. We were there at eight. Along with the stage still in construction, there was all of our props out on display, and some trailers. Three in total. A section segmented by fences, labeled "PRESS." It was the strangest situation I'd been in yet.

A year ago and people were content to give me a basic greeting then avoid me to make sure they weren't a collateral risk. Now I was going to be on stage. People would want to see me. To look at me. That just made me sick to my stomach. The four of us shared a large trailer, sectioned off by curtains, where we prepared and waited for the call to the backstage. Upon receiving the call, we made our way to the mass of scaffolding and drapery. Perry was there, directing everyone with a look of glee on his face.

Must've been an opportunity he would've killed for.

"Alright, kids, we've got a bit of time until the initial camera rolls start. We've already got press and some regular folk piling in to observe, as it's free admission. Is there absolutely anything you guys need? This is your chance to ask for it. I don't care what it is, if you need a handle of Jack, we'll get it, but you gotta say now." I looked over at the others. Jairo was just awkwardly fitting his helmet on. The muffling of his voice through it hid how much it was a croaking noise.

"I'm all good." Chris was completely piled in all of his ridiculous flappy materials. He kept swinging them about for his own amusement. It took him a second to catch up to the question and give Perry a thumbs up.

"Nothing I need!" May just shook her head, no words. I looked down at the mask in my hand. What I wanted was to get out of here. I wasn't ready for this. This was all too soon. Why did it all have to be so abrupt? The question couldn't be answered, as I felt my phone buzzing, and some merry little tune coming from the pocket of my jacket. Pulling it out, I saw a phone number. Pressing the little green circle, I answered and brought it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Leo? Leo thank God, look, you need to find Tancred and let him know to pull out, this wasn't just ransomware, that was to disguise the actual payload, someone's knee-deep in our systems and they were intercepting security to stop you guys from having reinforcements!"

"What?!"

"There's another villain!" As she said that, I could hear it. Laughter. Not just one person's laughter. The laughter of hundreds. Peeking out past one of the curtains, I could see it. Massive, black metal wings, carrying what seemed to be a large van. And the entire mass, both the car and the winged thing were laughing. I just couldn't have a fucking normal day out.