Chương 1: [0-0] I'm God

He put on the shades and became the Hague. The Hague!

"Time for some war crimes," he said from his streamer overlay, mirrored, mirroring in his big single-lens sunglasses microphone, webcam, monitor to become an exponentially dwindling set of selves. The black world behind him masked a bare mattress in a studio apartment, but here on screen was the world he invited you into, you and 478 others: an ordered grid world, viewed top-down, where two armies sallied for war. This was Hague's world, the world of turn-based strategy, of Fire Emblem. Here he was God.

The banner atop his overlay proclaimed: BEST IN THE WORLD. Challenge Runs, Speedruns, Draft Races—I Always Win.

"So what are we up to this time," he said while the game loaded.

"I'll tell you what chat. An absolute cruel and unusual atrocity nightmare mode challenge: Zero percent growths." Argonautic: Let's go! tulsasiivat: wb haguester Legendary51099: whats zero percent growths?

"What's zero percent growths? Simple. I modded the game so every character has, you guessed it, zero percent growth rates. They gain EXP, they level up, but their stats never get higher. Everyone's stuck at base power the whole game. We're talking zero gains, chat. Like you in the gym. Just kidding." Legendary51099: is it even possible to win like that?? O_o"Of course it's possible, I'm the Hague. Actually back in the day I knew a guy who did runs like this all the time.

And if someone else can do it, that means it's too easy. So I'm taking it a step beyond. Ironman rules: No resets. No starting over, no turning back time. If I die, I die. The end. So it's not gonna be a walk in the park, I can tell you that. I'll have to commit every war crime in the book to win this one. Full on International Criminal Court shit." He skipped the opening cutscene and navigated menus lightning quick to deploy his units. The words PLAYER PHASE flashed and he directed troops this way and that.

His numbers climbed, his views reached 608. Not bad, though at his peak he was hitting 1k, even 2k on the regular. That was a few years ago, when Fire Emblem reached its zenith of popularity. Since the latest game in the series wasn't too well liked, his views took a hit. It pissed him off really. During that peak, he'd crunched the numbers and thought, I can buy a house in a year or two. Buy a house! The idea alone was crazy. Hague didn't come from money, he grew up in apartments not much bigger than this one.

Never did well in school, not like his brother. College? Total nonstarter. The possibility of owning his own home, even a tiny one in a shitty part of town, never crossed his mind. But since he got into this racket he'd been scrimping, living frugally, doing extra part-time work (at least pre-pandemic), and of course putting nose to grindstone on stream, day in, day out. Finally, his savings account had almost enough for a down payment. Almost. Then years passed, and it kept being almost enough.

He still streamed every day, still did the YouTube highlights, still did everything you're supposed to. But his numbers went down, while house prices went up. It wasn't his fault, it was the game's fault. What could he do? Play another game? He wasn't BEST IN THE WORLD at another game. What he couldn't do was let it show. Maybe he didn't own a house, but he owned his stream at least. This little domain where Hague reigned as God.

He made moves and explained them:"So Céline joined our army and you may notice she's got a ring equipped. Well I just now decided zero growths no resets isn't hard enough, so we're gonna do this game using the rings as little as humanly possible. A lesser player might say the game forced me to equip the ring, it's fine, use it this chapter and unequip it later. But I'm the Hague. I'm God. Sorry Céline, you're going straight to the ICC detention center."

He directed the unit in question to run uselessly away from the action.

"Now the map's designed expecting you'll use Céline's ring to warp over to these two stooges across the map we gotta protect. But if we move fast—Thanks for gift sub, DarthPickle12!" The subscription message appeared: chloe and louis violated the geneva convention by being too good. kill them off. Hague, thinking of the sub money trickling into his savings account, tipped a smirk under his shades. In Fire Emblem, not all units were created equal. Some had better stats, skills, or classes than others.

Chloé and Louis were far and away his best units right now, so using them made the game way easier.

"Executing my own soldiers? I like your style dude. Let's do it." Louis, an armor knight, charged some mages head on. Chloé flew her pegasus at some archers. Come Enemy Phase, both immediately ate shit. Hague let their sad, fully-voiced death quotes play in full, the only dialogue he never skipped. F in chat. In the part of the stream overlay labeled DEAD, Hague plopped pictures of Chloé and Louis.

By the end of his runs, he often crossed the finish line with a skeleton crew of an army, not because he blundered, but just to make things more interesting. Right away, another message popped up. Another sub would be baller, but he never begrudged even a one dollar donation to the Hague Home Fund. The message that appeared didn't have any monetary amount attached, though. All it said was: Are You Really A GOD...? Weird, but Hague rolled with it.

"Looks like we got us a doubter, chat. Bro please. There isn't a Fire Emblem I haven't beat, live on stream, hardest difficulty, with whatever deranged limitations chat puts on me. Who else even has a claim to my title? Name anyone. Please, my guy—" He glanced at the name, but there was no name. Just a blank space. Now that was suspicious. He sometimes got dedicated trolls, tryhards who went the extra mile. They were fans of his ex, TikiTavi.

Or just Tavi, as she went by now, after breaking up with him the moment she became a big name vtuber. Every so often one of her hardcore simps found out his history with her and tried to start shit. Maybe she sent them on purpose, he wouldn't put it past her. Bipolar headcase. This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it Another message appeared. What Would You Say To A REAL God...? Honestly, these shitheads didn't even make Hague mad. Great fodder for stream highlights.

He already imagined his editor clipping it: Troll DESTROYED After Doubting The Hague!

"If God really does exist," Hague said, "I guarantee I'd beat him at Fire Emblem." PROVE IT Then everything was gone. The game, the stream, chat: gone. Blackness surrounded him. Did his power go out? He reached forward, but his hand touched nothing. No desk, no monitor. He tried to lurch out of his seat but he was already standing. There was no seat. His hands patted around, but there was no mouse, no keyboard, no speakers. Even with the lights out he should've been able to see edges, but nothing was there.

"What the fuck?" he said. His voice was airless, like he didn't speak at all. He couldn't feel his heartbeat. Something, everything was wrong. He was no longer in his apartment. He reached to pry off his sunglasses, but— Leave those on. He didn't "hear" those words, but somehow he understood them. From nothing, an impression of space solidified. A grid of light appeared at his feet, like a giant chessboard, the kind at parks with big foam pieces. On the opposite side of the board lay a woman, limbs sprawled lazily.

She wore the most elaborate dress Hague had ever seen. It cleaved to her body as if by magic, barely concealing anything despite its endless frills, lace flowers, and curlicue ribbons. It was made of a material so delicate, of such constantly shifting prismatic color, it looked like it would disperse into sparkles at any moment. The sleeves, detached, revealed alabaster-white shoulders; the bodice pushed up barely believable tits. She lolled her head and long green hair sifted around her. Green hair.

Hague couldn't help but think how goddesses in Fire Emblem always had green hair. Wait, that message. What would you say to a REAL God? No fucking way, right? Right? On principle, Hague refused to doubt his own senses. Despite how unreal this place seemed, he was here, so he accepted it without question, at least for the time being. Which meant this ethereal, unearthly woman probably had something to do with him being here, which meant she had powers he couldn't even begin to fathom.

That was all fine and dandy, except one look at her flawless but utterly apathetic face, at her miserable sprawled body, and it was obvious: she was bored beyond belief. She would think nothing, nothing at all, of crushing him like a bug for her entertainment. He needed to play this smart. Well~l~l~l? she said, drawing the word voicelessly out on her tongue, curving her lips into a cruel and uncaring smile. Where's your arrogance now, "Hague the God"? Look, you're trembling! How pa-thetic.

Go on, speak, while I still find you marginally amusing. An impulse struck Hague to throw himself down and beg forgiveness. He rejected it. If he groveled, he was done for. Groveling was probably what she expected. It was boring. Besides, he was the Hague—the God of Strategy. Like hell he'd get down and lick this woman's high-heeled foot. (You're still wearing the shades. You still have control.)"Okay," he said.

"Okay. Lemme guess. You're God, or whatever. For some reason you've got nothing better to do than watch my stream, and you're mad I said I was better at Fire Emblem than you. Mad at my hubris." Hague remembered a Greek myth with a similar plot.

"That the gist?" Her smile curled despicably. Trying to mask your terror? Precious❤"Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's acting despite the fear." A canned line, but it helped keep him talking. Talking was key.

"When I said I was the best, you said Prove It. Right? So let me prove it. Give me a challenge." He indicated the grid on the ground.

"Any Fire Emblem you want, I don't care. Any restrictions. I'm the Hague. I beat anything." Any~y~ything? He intuited an evil genie trap.

"Anything possible of course. Otherwise it's not a challenge, it's an execution with extra steps." Maybe watching you struggle hopelessly amuses me most~ Hague's jaw clenched. Her expression was sly, toying with him. He might already be doomed. How the hell did this happen? He was minding his own business in his own little piece of the world, why did this happen to him? What the hell did he do wrong? Nothing! So why was she, was she, was she... Keep it together man.

"Then you're a coward." Louder, more Haguely: "A pussy bitch, bro. Sure! Kill me if you want. Make me suffer. But you said Prove It, your own fucking words, so don't back out on me now. Whatever the challenge, make it possible. And not possible in some stupid ass way, like I only win if I get a million lucky crits in a row. A fair game." Of course, there were countless ways to make a game technically winnable while effectively impossible, but he couldn't stand here litigating every contingency.

That would be boring. He had to rely on entertaining her, had to make her want to give him a real chance. If he got a real chance, no matter what bullshit she slung at him, he'd win. When it came down to it, he really was best in the world, wasn't he? Of course he was. Her gaze never wavered. Even when twisted into a schoolgirl bully grin, her face was achingly beautiful. Hmmmmm... Well, maybe you'll do better than the last one.

"The last what?" Or maybe you're just trash. Worth~less~trash. Let's find out! Get ready for a challenge beyond anything you've ever experienced. Because it's not a "game." It's REAL. And if you lose... you die! If the situation weren't so dire, he'd laugh at a lame ass line like that. Especially with how seriously she said it, like she didn't know it was lame. But since he actually could die here, he instead squeezed his eyes shut behind his shades. No, don't think about it. Lock in. Keep it together, man.

"Fine by me." His eyes opened.

"I told you before, I'll tell you again. I'm the Hague. I always win." The goddess rolled over from her back onto her side. She twirled a jade-green lock around her finger and pierced straight through him with her stare. Her smug smile curdled into a look of disgust. You know, I can't stand arrogant men.

"Shouldn't have fucked with me then, cuz you'll be seeing me a lot from now on." She propped herself onto an elbow. Is that so? Then one last thing. I think I'll help myself to that savings account of yours.

"My—my savings account? What?" Right! I've decided to buy a few nice things for myself. Liven this place up. Her long white arm rose and indicated the completely vacant void. Y ou don't have much, of course, but it should be enough for at least one... maybe two pieces of furniture.

"Wait. Waitwaitwait, I don't care what else you do, but don't touch my money. I spent ten years saving that up. I'm gonna buy a house!" A house? How cute! But you won't be needing it where you're going. Hee~hee~hee~hee!

"Wait—" She tossed back her head, green hair streaming all about, and laughed, silent laughter that rebounded in the void, enveloping, mocking him. Something tugged at his stomach: the sensation of falling. She vanished from view. Wind whipped at his clothes, and he felt his heart pounding again, his lungs heaving again, as he plummeted. Do keep me entertained, Hague~ Bye-bye❤ That was the last. The wind whipped a moment more, then fell still. Hague glanced around blinking. The game began.