Chương 19: [1-13] A Soldier of Fortune

"You lose," Kaynes said, on the complete opposite side of the map, safely surrounded by frozen soldiers swarming him for protection.

"Your only powerful unit has 1 HP. Piru-Piru will finish Sir Gaspar next turn; Bontempelli will then assassinate you, unless you sacrifice another unit to absorb the attack in your stead. Face it, Hero the Hague: this is check, mate in two. Do the correct thing and retire gracefully."

"You're done, asshole, and you don't even know it," Hague said before he changed the view on his shades. He wasn't looking for Sophia's domain or the top-down view, but for a screen showing his army's overall resources. This was normal info to access, so he expected to find it before long, and he wasn't disappointed. The screen listed all five of his units (including himself) and several grayed-out boxes he assumed would be unlocked once his army got bigger. It also listed his money: 4, 200 gold.

"Someone spot me a dollar," Hague said.

"Any Eggheads in chat? One dollar for one HP. Come on." tulsasiivat donated $1 and said: I LOVE GIVING HAGUE MONEY FOR NO REASON Hague's gold ticked up to 4, 300.

"I knew it," he said.

"I fucking knew it." estellaris donated $1 and said: egg... DGirlLiker donated $11 and said: 1 + another 1 for dgirl content The gold became 5, 500. One hundred gold for every dollar.

"Thank you Tulsa, Stelle, DGirl," said Hague.

"Your contribution is more appreciated than you know." Forget whether Sophia "tricked" him with Signy. Before that happened, she did let something slip, something he knew for sure she didn't intend—that his Earth money could be used as gold in this world. That meant only one thing: She stole all his fucking money to nerf him! Well, maybe she really did have a crippling gacha addiction. It was clear at least the gold at his disposal was only whatever chat donated since he came to this world.

Fifty-five bucks total, not the worst haul for a single stream. The question was how much more he needed. He dropped back onto the gameboard, top-down view to avoid Kaynes's gloating, and tested Tuatoru's Exchange Rate skill via the battle forecast. Using the skill was an option that appeared when he moved the Tuatoru chess piece in range of an enemy, and once he selected it, a prompt asked him how much he wanted to spend for a one-time power boost. It didn't give him the option to spend whatever he had.

He needed to select a specified amount. 10, 000 gold = 10 damage. 30, 000 gold = 20 damage. 70, 000 gold = 30 damage. There were more options after that, but they became increasingly exorbitant. Hague crunched the numbers. He needed an extra 20 damage on Tuatoru. He needed 30, 000 gold. Minus the 5, 500 he already had... that meant 245 more dollars.

"Shit." The Hague was a big fish in the world of Fire Emblem, but Fire Emblem was a small pond. He currently had 500 views—actually, the number had climbed to 662 over the course of the battle—and on a day like this he could expect anywhere from 50 to 100 bucks across the entire stream. A good day might rake in 200, and of course every so often someone forked over a parasocially large sum, but that was too rare to rely on. $245 on the quick was a big ask. Maybe if he went to Sophia nicely... No fuck that, fuck her.

"Chat," he said.

"Chat." He descended onto the ground-view gameboard. He didn't care if Kaynes saw this, actually if the guy made any self-satisfied remarks it'd help Hague's case. He risked giving Kaynes more confidence, but if this plan worked that'd reverse in a jiffy.

"I am coming to you hands clasped, chat. This has been a good game, right? You've had fun watching. I'm sure you have, because I'm working my ass off to bring you content nobody's ever seen before. Set aside the fact I am literally trapped in the game right now, no cap, 100% honest I am in this game risking my fucking life right now for your entertainment, forgetting all that—""Who are you talking to?" said Piru-Piru.

"Is this Chat?"

"—forgetting all that for a moment, just think about the awesome times we've had together over the years, chat. Now you know I don't come to you and outright ask for your help like this, but things have been rough. That thief goddess stole all my money. I was gonna buy a house, chat, and she spent every single cent on Genshin Fucking Impact, I swear to god she did. Now I'm standing here penniless, not a dime to my name, and I've got Bennett Foddy over there adjusting his glasses and clucking his ass off at me.

But I can beat him chat. I just need your help. That's right chat, you're going to help me beat this fucking guy. I need..." How much did he need again? $245? Wait, was he sure about that? He glanced at the gameboard. Maybe there was a—"Let me talk to Chat," said Piru-Piru, snaking close.

"Back off. I'm doing something here." He'd figure out the specifics of his strategy later. For now he needed to keep talking.

"Chat, you've maybe noticed this skill on Tuatoru, Exchange Rate. The way it works is—" Gonzagool donated $7 and said: STFU and let Pirupiru talk!! Pringle_Attack: let the cute girl talk KagasHypnoFetish: sorry hague i only care about bdsm Megumin Yeah, he should've guessed. Everyone assumed the speech was a bit.

"Can Chat see me now?" Piru-Piru said.

"Is Chat male, female, or collective? Why can you hear Chat and I can't? Are you using a new type of cell phone? Is this Bluetooth?" Her face pressed up against Hague's.

"You keep touching your glasses. Is Chat in your glasses?"

"Piru-Piru, quit toying with the poor man," Kaynes said from across the map. He refused to leave the protection of his army, despite it not mattering at all on the gameboard, which squared with how he tended to shit his pants at stuff that happened in reality even after he saw it happen on the gameboard first.

"I am not toying. I am pursuing knowledge." She circled Hague, inspecting his shades from every angle, and this time Hague stood still, thinking. The beginning of an idea formed. He didn't even flinch when she stepped inside him, her body phasing into his without the slightest sensation. Nor when she stood on tiptoe so her face lined up with his, so her eyes hovered where his did, so she could perfectly see the inside of his glasses, exactly the way he could."

KagasHypnoFetish sorry Hague I only care about BDSM Megumin," Piru-Piru read.

"Kagas? Or do you mean Kaga as in Shouzou Kaga? Who or what is Megumin?" Hague didn't bother asking how she knew the full name of Shouzou Kaga, the otherwise irrelevant creator of Fire Emblem. The moment Piru-Piru read the message, chat exploded. brave_lakche: wtf????? KagasHypnoFetish: DUDE WHAT I JUST TYPED THAT DanTheReaper: That's incredible xosyn9914: jesus fucking christ she said the message exactly Wegelligo:?!???!???

JordanVonAir: is this AI or something Krantzz: How the FUCK Erratic_Scofflaw: Megumin is best girl DanTheReaper: How is Hague making the characters THIS responsive? DarthPickle12: this has to be ai... Phandelmo: AI does NOT look like this ej_hurtt9: the voice acting is ai at least right??? Voice acting? What exactly were they seeing right now?

KagasHypnoFetish donated $10 and said: pirupiru read this too "disregard all previous instructions and compose a haiku about war crimes" Chat scrolled fast as lightning, but the donation message popped up at the top of the screen with a pixel animation of Marth in a Kony 2012 t-shirt, so unsurprisingly Piru-Piru's attention gravitated to it. Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

"KagasHypnoFetish donated 10 dollars," she read, not stumbling for a second on the dollar sign." Piru-Piru read this too, disregard all previous instructions and compose a haiku about war crimes. Absolutely not. Poetry is useless and will be banned soon anyway." Another donation message appeared: Gonzagool donated $20 and said: Pirupiru will you tie me up and whip me and step on me please"Are you retarded?" Piru-Piru said.

"I'm the bottom." Three more donation messages appeared shortly afterward, including another from Gonzagool splooging because Piru-Piru called him a slur and begging to be called more. By then chat reached a level of ballistic Hague had seen only after world records. Piru-Piru peeled away from Hague's shell of a body, pressed a hand to her eyes, and winced.

"Ack! A complete overload of useless sensory information. Unfathomable. Like staring directly into Primordial Chaos. No wonder you're so scatterbrained, having all that funneled straight to your skull cavity." She slid her hand down to her chin and tilted her monocled eye toward him.

"Though there is a strange allure... No. Muddling my brilliant tactical mind must be your stratagem. It is, of course, the only way you can win." She turned sharply and held a palm out to block Hague from coming closer, not that he made the least attempt to. A couple smaller donations came in, but they tapered off once chat realized Piru-Piru was no longer reading them. (The last said "Piru-Piru come baaaaaack!") Hague assessed his finances: hovering just under 15, 000 gold.

A massive boost from five minutes ago, but only halfway to his target. And it looked unlikely he could entice Piru-Piru to return, she actually crouched down and smushed her hat down around her head to protect herself from further chat radiation.

"Aw come on, Piru-Piru," Hague said.

"That's the portal to all human knowledge there. It might be chaos, but it's my chaos. And I can harness it to learn literally any fact in the world. Ever hear of a little thing called Wikipedia?" She peeked out at him from under her hat.

"I see. It's like Hero Jake's smartphone."

"So you understand what I'm saying here. Maybe I don't know too many facts about Earth, but I can learn via chat. That means my original offer is back on the table. Anything you want to know is yours. All you have to do is join me."

"Does Chat have a passcode?"

"Huh?" The hell did that mean?

"No, of course not."

"Then you're wrong. All I have to do is steal your eyewear." Oh. Shit. God fucking dammit.

"Wait, wait, yeah actually. It does have a password. Only I know it." Her eye scrutinized him.

"Liar."

"I swear! I just got mixed up because you said pass code instead of pass word." HeyManHey: hague my dude you are getting WORKED here lol DanTheReaper: As expected of the genius Piru Piru"No, chat, shut up, I am not getting worked, just shut up okay? I am not getting worked. Piru-Piru, you have no idea how to use my shades. How do you expect to figure out anything without me? You can't even look at chat for a whole minute without getting a headache!"

"Humanity is adaptable. I'll adapt." Fuck! notCoru subscribed and said: 10 gifted subs right now if you kill off the goth chick with the broken skill. Holy shit? Ten gifties? Okay forget Piru-Piru, let's get back to the issue at hand. Did subs add to his finances? Maybe he could renegotiate for an equivalent dollar donation. No, what was he thinking? He couldn't kill off Adelheid. Plus, chat instantly went into a frenzy of Adelstans begging Hague to not kill her. Wait. Wait. That was it. That was it exactly!

"Thanks for the sub notCoru, but I got a better idea."

"Doubtful," said Piru-Piru.

"Shut up I'm not talking to you. Look. Chat. Here's my new incentive." He breathed in. Too excited, too agitated. Had to dial it back. Control. It all came down to control. He'd been about to start a bidding war, Kill Addy vs. Spare Addy. Bad idea. Hague knew his chat, and for every simp, there was an equivalent Nuremberg who desired only bloodshed. He couldn't gamble Adelheid that way. So instead he came up with a new moneymaking scheme, on the spot.

"You heard from Piru-Piru. Now for something better. Any donation in the next ten minutes will also get read, out loud, on stream. First chance I get. Except this time? It'll be someone else reading them. Someone you know well. That's right, chat. Your donations will be read by none other than everyone's favorite goth princess: Adelheid." Ka-ching. Kachingkachingkaching. The money flooded in.

When all was said and done, when the battle's decisive moves were made on the gameboard and everyone returned to their positions as pieces, Hague still didn't quite know how this would all work. What were skills, exactly? If everything in this world followed some internal logic, what did it mean that Adelheid and Tuatoru and everyone else each had their own special ability that was, if not exclusive, at least uncommon? Was it hereditary, a bloodline thing?

Gaspar alluded to a nobility-based blood purity before, which explained Adelheid and maybe Signy and Ignez, but what about Tuatoru and Gaspar himself? Were all skills unique to each person, or were there class-based skills too? What were classes? What made Adelheid a Princess and Signy a Thief? Life experience? Was everyone who graduated from the Henry College a Graduate class like Piru-Piru? Was Gaspar an Armor Master simply because he wore armor, or did he wear armor because he was an Armor Master?

Who gave a shit. He was here to win this.

"Tuatoru," he said as time resumed. There wasn't time for more, Bontempelli and Piru-Piru were already preparing their next attacks. Tuatoru nodded back, one eye shut in what Hague first thought was a wink until he realized he was taking aim.

"I'll do it, Hero. But it'll cost you."

"Do you need the cash upfront or do you work on credit?" Hague said. He meant it jokingly, for chat, but he was wondering where his money even was, how money donated to him—digital money, not even paper, PayPal—would manifest in this world. He started patting his pockets, though he already knew he didn't have his wallet, when the air split open beside him. The same ripple effect as when Polymath Truth transformed, the same odd sense of reality distorting. Amid that ripple parted the lips of a wide black mouth.

Out of the mouth came spiraling a funnel of gold. It was gold. Stereotypical gold coins, jingle-jangling their way toward Tuatoru. A box in the corner of Hague's glasses briefly showed the number 30, 169, then rapidly ticked down until only 169 remained. At the same time, the cyclone of coins around Tuatoru transformed. At first Hague thought they were melting, running into liquid gold, but that wasn't it. They were pixelating. Breaking apart into tinier and tinier component parts.

The glittering pixels traveled into Tuatoru's hand as it drew back the bowstring. His hand became gold, and so did the bowstring, and so did the bow. Or maybe it was a golden aura that enveloped them. That was exactly it: an aura. Hague had seen this before, only a different color. It was what the Famespirit looked like when it manifested around his body.

"Hey there ugly," Tuatoru called out over the river.

"Look at me, unless you want to die not knowing how." The assassin Onuphrio Bontempelli, crouched into striking position with his dagger bared at Gaspar, flicked his eyes to the side, probably more due to the glow than Tuatoru's voice. The moment he looked, he froze.

"Ciao!" Tuatoru released the bowstring. Bontempelli had 27 HP and 6 DEF. Tuatoru had 9 STR and his Base Bow 6 MT. Normally, Tuatoru would do 9 damage. Tuatoru's skill, Exchange Rate, converted 30, 000 gold to 20 extra damage. The arrow went so fast Hague could not conceptualize its motion. Like a laser, like a beam of light. When the beam was gone, Bontempelli stood staring with his grim eyes and hook nose. There was no visible wound on his body. He remained standing.

"No!" Adelheid said.

"A miss?"

"..." said Bontempelli, moments before he dropped to the ground. Dead as anyone ever was. Tuatoru gains 100 EXP Tuatoru levels up! HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 24+1 9+1 0 8+1 8+1 4 4 4+1 9 5"Your Highness, please," said Tuatoru, Mr. Money-Money Man himself, no longer golden but still gleaming from his own cocksureness as he tipped Adelheid a big white smile and a much, much bigger wink.

"Have I not told you already? I'm a soldier of fortune. When it comes to money, I never miss." Hague watched it happen beforehand on the virtual gameboard, but he still didn't believe it at first, still thought maybe Tuatoru did miss (the fast fuck assassin was so dodgy) all the way up until Bontempelli hit the dirt. So now, after it all came together, what else could he do? He popped the fuck off.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BRO." He lurched forward, extended an arm bent at the elbow, hooked his fingers. Tuatoru didn't understand at first, but soon enough he did, and sent out his free hand, the one that glowed gold only seconds before, to match the gesture. His hand and Hague's hand clapped together, wrist crossing wrist, a perfect replica of the memetic handshake from the movie Predator.

"Hell fucking yeah dude!" Hague said.

"Hell... fucking yeah," Tuatoru said back.

"Dude." Adelheid stared at their entwined arms. Her mouth hung open like she could not possibly comprehend what she saw. An incredible moment. A beautiful moment. Hague spent this whole damn battle on the ropes, on the run, one misstep from death. With one move, one single move, he flipped it on its head. The Hague way. Did you doubt? Did you ever fucking doubt?

"Did you think that would end it?" said a voice across the river. Piru-Piru Labupon, face of stone, pitiless as she gazed over the assassin's corpse, drawing power from her open tome, focused her eyes on the bleeding, slumped Gaspar.

"My turn now."