Chương 16: [1-10] A Bludgeoner of Skulls

The way the gameboard worked with two players was simple but also kinda stupid. First, Hague moved his guys. Then Kaynes moved his guys. If this were chess, and each player moved one unit per turn, it wouldn't be a problem. This wasn't chess. Hague had four units, Kaynes had fifty. So it took Hague five seconds to make his move, then he had to wait like five hours for Kaynes to make his. (Dude kept tapping his chin and hmming and ahaing the whole time, Jesus Christ.) Really it was only fifteen minutes.

But when Hague had a chat to keep entertained, it might as well be eternity. Hague rolled up into Turn 2 expecting it to play out the same way. Since he'd formed an overall strategy the turn prior, he had a good idea what he intended to do. For some semi-mystifying reason, Truth remained an NPC instead of an ally, meaning he couldn't command her. (Maybe because, given the church's whole political situation, she needed to operate "officially" independent of him? Or maybe she only intended to help him temporarily from the start?) Luckily, there was an upside. Check out her stats: Truth Class: Polymath Age: ███ Height: 144 cm Affiliation: High Sophic Church LVL EXP HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 1 0 15 2 3 6 6 25 3 5 5 5 What's that? Those stats suck ass? Oh, sorry. Those are her stats without a weapon. Heteromorphite had the interesting effect of boosting the stats of its wielder.

Now that she held it in her hand, her stats became: LVL EXP HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV 1 0 35 14 15 18 6 25 18 25 25 5 BlalantEnPassant: 1 Lolillion damage! Hague didn't intend to take Truth for granted, though. He sniffed a catch. First off, she remained an NPC, so he couldn't control her movements, and that smacked of trouble. She might easily prioritize fighting the weakest enemies instead of the strongest, the way generic NPCs usually did in Fire Emblem.

Given how many low-level mooks cluttered the field, she'd then become distracted by irrelevant targets while the real threats—Piru-Piru and the assassin—slipped past and targeted Hague. Secondly, she still looked extremely unwell. Her screen gave her the status Entropic, with a tooltip that read: Infected by Primordial Chaos. Cannot function at full capacity to a random degree. Another infuriatingly vague description, but one that made clear he couldn't rely on Truth to win the battle for him. Fine.

He'd seen her status before he gave her the weapon, so he always knew she was a wildcard at best. Meanwhile, he now had a problem he hadn't anticipated: the assassin. One quick glance told Hague everything he needed to know. Onuphrio Bontempelli Class: Assassin Age: 19 Height: 185 cm Affiliation: Solophonic Church LVL EXP HP STR MAG DEX SPD LCK DEF RES CON MOV The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings. 1 — 27 10 3 21 22 1 6 10 8 7 A full 7 MOV. Fuck, he covered a lot of ground and quick.

He'd run down Hague and company in only a couple turns, and of course his stats dunked on Hague's. His STR wasn't gamebreaking but it was high enough, especially with that evil, evil 22 SPD that doubled everyone in Hague's army. (Except Gaspar, whose Steadfast skill prevented being doubled.) A quick calc and yep, he'd assassinate Hague, Adelheid, and Tuatoru if he got close enough to fire his bow at them. Plus, Hague noted ruefully to chat, he was listed as 2 cm taller than Hague himself.

He doubted that was accurate though. amoongus67 subscribed and said: smh can't believe you paid the modders to lie about your height, you're shorter than 183cm for sure"Dude. Fuck you. I mean thank you for the sub and all, but fuck you." Anyway. Gaspar could at least wall the assassin with his solid DEF. Except for two things! First, Onuphrio Bontempelli also had a weapon called a Dagger in his inventory. The description matched Adelheid's Estoc: Effective against armored units.

As if the guy was specifically designed to fuck Hague over. But that was nothing next to the dude's skill: Sidestep: Can pass through enemies. So yeah, he could just waltz right past Gaspar if he wanted. Way cool! His DEF was low, so maybe Hague's Fighting Toddlers could gang up and kill him before he wreaked too much havoc. Maybe. Guy was so fast Hague would be operating with dicey hit rates, particularly for Gaspar and his big, inaccurate axe.

Besides, even if Hague did kill him quick, that just left him open to a full-on anal pain train by the other fifty dudes charging in. If not for that one fucking tile. The tree terrain tile at L6. It looked like trees on the top-down gameboard, but in reality it was more like a tangle of shrubs. That one terrain tile blocked Adelheid from reaching Kaynes. If not for it, Addy and Tuatoru could double team him and end the battle right now.

But Hague already spent too much time with Sophia to get mad at more shit outside his control. Now was the moment to focus up and deal with what he was dealt. He quickly moved his units while in the top-down view and dropped to ground level to yell at Kaynes to hurry the fuck up. Before he got a chance to say a word, someone was on him.

"Name," said Piru-Piru Labupon.

"Huh?"

"Name: Huh. Age?"

"What?"

"Not a number. Try again." She leaned forward, so close the brim of her big witch hat phased through his forehead, and inspected him with one teal eye magnified behind a monocle. Hague stepped back to give himself space but she only stepped again to close the gap.

"Sex appears to be male. That aligns with expectations. Nationality—no, let me guess. Repeat after me: 'I'm out about the house.'""Uh—""Are you retarded? Repeat after me: 'I'm out about the house.'""I'm out about the house?" Her monocled eye settled on his large shades.

"American. Don't bother confirming, I'm right. I am, after all, the foremost expert on Earth Studies in all of Perrania, exceeding even Professor Perdomo, who naturally taught me everything he knows. I can name all 102 known Earth nations. You speak English with an American and not a Canadian accent, confirming my suspicions. If you try to deny it, it'll only prove you're a liar. You're not a liar are you?"

"Uh, no," said Hague.

"I'm American, you're right." He suddenly worried she'd pinpoint his state and city live in front of his viewers.

"I know. I told you, you didn't need to confirm it." She pulled back, though only to circle around and inspect him from other angles.

"The Hero Eugene Kim, epithet the Disinterested, hailed from Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada. I wrote one of my seven dissertations on him, so I am uniquely qualified to identify the nuances between American and Canadian accents. Impressed?" She stuck her head into his torso as though she expected to see his organs and he jumped away.

"Fuck, man!"

"I'm a woman, obviously. Maybe you really are retarded." 1111111111111111111111111: WHY THIS SLUT SAYS RETARD AND NOT ME? Argonautic: @1111111111111111111111111 I warned you before. You're timed out again. Argonautic [whispered]: Hague, I know you worked hard to make this game, but can you tone down the script in the future? It's undermining our policy against slurs. rintintinabulation: piru piru labubu Piru-Piru Labupon was too much for Hague to handle right now.

He stared straight up at the sky, maybe at Sophia, and slumped his shoulders. But that was no way to run a stream, so despite his doneness he spurred himself back alive.

"Okay you Touhou looking ass motherfucker—""I would never do that."

"Do what?"

"Commit incest with my mother." Hague stared at her for a beat. If nothing else, chat found this all very funny.

"Great," he said.

"Awesome. Glad we established that. You never know, after all."

"I always know," said Piru-Piru.

"And if I don't know, I learn. And if I can't learn, nobody can. Let's return to more pertinent matters. What year is it on Earth?"

"I'm not answering that or anything else. Maybe you didn't notice, but we're in the middle of a battle."

"Of course I noticed. I wouldn't be the most esteemed scholar of my generation if I possessed lackluster observational skills—""Piru-Piru!" said Kaynes.

"Piru-Piru! Do not unduly antagonize the Hero." He came hurrying across the battlefield, shuffling awkwardly in his long bland habit, even more gray and generic next to Piru-Piru's insane asylum ensemble. When he stopped beside her and readjusted his glasses, he looked like he came from a completely different video game.

"I was not antagonizing him," said Piru-Piru.

"I was asking him questions. Simple ones."

"I've spoken to you about this, Piru-Piru, and at great length. You lack tact and you lack decorum. Behave yourself."

"But—"" Behave," Kaynes said, sternly. Piru-Piru's mouth screwed up and her hands tugged at the frills of her pinafore. Other than a weird, closed-mouth grunt, she said only, "Yes."

"Good." Kaynes's expression switchflipped to service industry benign.

"Allow me to apologize on her behalf, Hero, since not even I could coerce the words 'I'm sorry' from her lips. Had I presence enough of mind, I would have remembered her Stunned status wore off this turn and intercepted her before she had a chance to accost you. Alas. Due to your unwarranted and uncouth screeching for me to 'hurry up' last time, I hoped to accommodate your impatience and was thus distracted rearranging my units via Heaven's Eye." Heaven's Eye must mean the top-down view of the map.

It seemed that when a map had multiple "players," they could only interact on the ground level, while the top-down perspective was unique to each player. Hague wondered if both Kaynes and Piru-Piru could move units, or if Piru-Piru's TacGlass (which seemed to be her monocle) differed somehow. Mostly, though, he was relieved Piru-Piru stopped sticking her face inside his body. He wished Kaynes didn't totally shut her down, though, since she was a lot funnier than him.

"We can let her talk." Piru-Piru opened her mouth to make immediate use of the privilege, but Kaynes cut her off.

"That is not your decision, Hero. Though she and I were once classmates at the College of the Two Henries, she is now my subject, and shall obey me in all things."

"What, so she's your lapdog?" said Hague.

"I thought you were all about individualism. Don't tell me declaring yourself king got to your head?" This comment rankled Kaynes and he stiffened perceptibly, even if his genial tone remained.

"I assure you, I esteem Miss Piru-Piru most highly. Though I find her approach to fashion frivolous and unorthodox, even blasphemous at times, she is absolved of that particular sin by virtue of being the most intelligent woman I know."

"The most intelligent human you know," Piru-Piru couldn't help but amending.

"However, as you plainly see"—he shot her a glare—"if not kept on a short leash, she is rather exhausting. Thus, I do my utmost to leash her."

"So it's a BDSM thing," said Hague. Kaynes didn't understand. Obviously, since it was a comment for chat.

"Correct," said Piru-Piru. Hague stared at her. She was just saying that to sound smart, right? No way she knew what BDSM was. Even if she was the "foremost expert on Earth Studies." Right?

"It's much trickier on Perrania than Earth," said Piru-Piru, "because Soma's Law makes it difficult to inflict significant pain on your partner, especially in a Knack-Knackless pairing. But there are elixirs to dampen the law's protective effect. Of course, the bondage aspect is unhindered."

"Christ," said Hague. Krantzz: Holy shit estellaris: omg LakkaDakkaLoo2: wtf?? Gonzagool: RECRUIT HER NOW"Piru-Piru! You will be silent this instant!" Kaynes blushed deeply and half-turned, unable to meet Hague's eye, while adjusting his (shirt) collar.

"She jests, of course. She has a rather dry sense of humor easily mistaken for seriousness. I assure you, Miss Piru-Piru is my capable assistant and nothing more."

"Riiight. Nothing more. We totally buy that, don't we chat?"

"Chat?" said Piru-Piru.

"What do you mean by Chat? Tell me now."

"I said be quiet!" snapped Kaynes.

"We have much more pressing matters to discuss! Such as your immediate future, Hero the Hague. Surely by now you understand your predicament? I admit, that little maneuver of yours, picking up and putting down your units to move forward quickly, was rather surprising. But in the end, it accomplished little. The highly capable Bontempelli is now hounding your rear and will effortlessly hunt you down. You have armed Polymath Truth, but she summoned you only recently and is thus still reeling from Entropy Sickness.

It will take several days of rest, if not weeks, before she recovers fully; she is in no state to fight and will not save you. Once more, I extend the invitation to surrender; you shall be welcomed to our side."

"I only welcome him if he's intelligent," said Piru-Piru.

"He might be retarded."

"Let's not use that word," said Hague.

"There are people in chat who don't like it."

"So Chat is a place? Is this a new shortening of the term 'chat room'?"

"I told you before, I'm not answering your questions," said Hague.

"Not unless you..." He trailed off. He'd been about to say, "not unless you stop using that word," though he already knew she'd just ask "what word" and either Hague said the word, which he couldn't do, or she'd be deliberately obtuse about what word he meant. His mind blanked. It'd been a long fucking day and he was starting to feel tired, physically and mentally, and what part of him remained sharp he dedicated to what mattered most, the battle.

After Sophia, after Kaynes, he just didn't have the patience to deal with this fucking nerd. Chat seemed to like her, so he knew he should be encouraging her, engagement farming, especially with stick-up-his-ass Kaynes right there to play Squidward and get buttmad at all her wacky antics. But... No. Hague still wore the glasses, was still the Hague, still God. Just needed to keep it together a little longer. Then he saw it. In chat. The last message from Gonzagool: RECRUIT HER NOW.

He'd looked at the words before, but now he actually connected them to their meaning. He could recruit Piru-Piru. In Fire Emblem, if you saw an enemy with a face and a name who wasn't the boss, odds were high you could recruit them if you just got the right person to talk to them. When he first glanced at the map, Hague hadn't considered this an option, mainly because he didn't know shit about Ignez or Piru-Piru, but also because he didn't expect Sophia to hand him units that busted OP.

Now, though, he'd learned a few things, including that Sophia didn't fully control the situation. Given the way Ignez reacted to Adelheid, she was probably a no-go, but Hague actually had something Piru-Piru wanted. He smiled.

"I won't answer a single one of your questions about me or about Earth," he said, "unless you join my army. If you do, I'll tell you everything you want to know." Piru-Piru stared blankly. Hague had no idea what that meant, because she kept the same straight face for everything. Kaynes, of course, was sputtering and wagging his finger, but Hague ignored him. Then Piru-Piru said, "No."

"No?"

"No. Obviously not."

"But you're the foremost scholar of Earth Studies. I'm from Earth. I know things about Earth nobody in this world will ever know. All that information can be yours, enough to write another dissertation or five."

"I doubt you know that much about Earth, actually." Buh?

"You'd be surprised."

"Would I?" Piru-Piru stepped forward and shoved her monocle close to his shades.

"Are you an electrical engineer? Or any kind of engineer? How about a computer scientist? A weapons manufacturer? Can you tell me the three components necessary to make gunpowder?"

"Uh—""Sulfur, charcoal, saltpeter. I see you don't even know that. Meaning you're light years behind me, Piru-Piru Labupon, the inventor of the Piru-Piru Beam." She invented that thing? That explained the stupid name. It also explained her skill, which Hague hadn't dedicated much thought to before: Tinkerer: Can repair one weapon or item per day. Only activates outside of combat. (Thank god for the "outside of combat" stipulation, or he'd be insanely fucked.)"Perhaps you have a degree in history?"

Piru-Piru continued.

"Literature? Art? Politics? Music? I'll even accept Film & Television. Do you have a degree at all?" Of course not. Hague sucked at school, unlike his older brother Seth. Gonna-be-a-doctor Seth. Maybe that was why Piru-Piru annoyed him to shit even though chat loved her. College kids and their fucking degrees. But Hague held it together.

"I guarantee I know stuff you don't."

"Oh, obviously," said Piru-Piru.

"The production of new facts due to the passage of time ensures it. If the time dilation between Perrania and Earth hasn't changed since the last Hero, you must come from the year 2025. That's over a decade of new facts, even if you're stupid and only know a tiny fraction of them."

"Exactly. I know them and you never will, unless you join me." Kaynes had stopped protesting and now only watched with a coy smirk, like he knew exactly where this was leading.

"Wrong," said Piru-Piru.

"There are ways to make you tell me. They're less convenient, which is annoying. I'd have to capture you alive, and that might be a challenge. But if I kill your allies first it'll be much easier. After that, it's a simple matter of torture. You appear to be male, so it's trivial to break you. I'll simply detach your testicles with a pair of surgical scissors."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Hague staggered back. Though his body lacked physical sense in this map reality, he felt his balls reflexively tighten.

"I'm highly knowledgeable of human anatomy"—Piru-Piru keeping pace with him, peering into his eyes with incredible straightfaced intensity—"so it'll be simple. And if that's not enough, I can remove the rest of your penis too."

"Okay get the fuck back," Hague said.

"Jesus! Christ! What the hell!" Gonzagool: LUL IronMarcus: HAHAHA xosyn9914: lmao estellaris donated $3 and said: hague forcefem arc when... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hyuck hyuck hyuck. Laugh it up chat. It's not your dick on the line.

"Well!" Kaynes said.

"With that matter settled, I suppose I'll make my move so that we may resume our match." Hague didn't feel like it was settled. Maybe it was just Fire Emblem genre savvy speaking, but he felt certain a quirky girl with purple hair must be recruitable. He just didn't know how. Piru-Piru made it clear she stood solidly on Kaynes's side. Why? Because of the cult, which her stat screen listed as her affiliation? Their history at the college? Or just because he tied her up when he fucked her?

Getting straight answers out of her was impossible. While Kaynes moved his million men, Hague made a few more attempts to win her over, but no dice.

"I promise, Hero the Hague," Kaynes dropped down to say before he ended his turn, "that if you join me, I am perfectly capable of protecting you from Piru-Piru. Are you quite certain you want to chance it on your own?" He made a scissors snipping motion with two fingers.

"I'm so gonna kick your ass," Hague said.

"A pity. I would have preferred your help, but the prestige of defeating a Hero will grant me great political advantage in its own right. Now, are you ready?" Hague said nothing. Kaynes ended his turn and time resumed.