Chương 33: Squonk The Squonk God

Ch. 33: Squonk The Squonk God" Hey, must have missed you. I just wanted to call and check in. Last time we saw each other things got hairy and… hope you're okay. That's it… Sorry, that's not it. Truth is I haven't been great. The pits have felt different right? Things are getting weird. They're more frequent and… there's just never been this many demon sightings. And the deaths. The deaths have been stacking up. I… I could use a friend right now. God, that sounds corny. I'm cringing even saying it.

Just forget I called. I… this got rambly. I'll let you go. I'm hanging up now. Bye. … Oh! Wait, I forgot the real reason I called. I put your name in with my god! Lucia, the Griffon god. She has some available spots and I thought you killed it on the desert raid. Anyway, that's it. For real. Bye. Okay bye. Bye." My phone finished playing Kayla's voicemail as I pulled up to the dingy Boyle Heights duplex.

"Wow," Spiros mused, "This is a different one from the hysterical burglar the other day?"

"That hysterical burglar has a name. And you keep it out of your mouth."

"How can I keep it out of my mouth if I don't know what it is?"

"Good point. It's Penelope. Now that you know it, keep it out of your mouth." I stepped out of the car. The lawn had been turned into a storage area for everything too big for the trash can. There were bags of recyclables and plastic doodads of varying sizes. The taupe paint of the duplex was striped with dirt and white from the fraying paint. This shitty house was probably worth north of 600k.

"She's Kayla," I reached into my smashed-open front window and pulled Spiros out. I placed him on my shoulder.

"This is good. As you ascend to godhood, your harem will only grow bigger," Spiros said.

"Not a harem. Kayla's good friend Billy died on her last raid. They were really tight. She just needs a friend right now." I pulled the bugscreen back and knocked on the wooden door.

"Pitiful. A harem of one. And what of your other consort? The one who's name I can't say?"

"Has not hit me back. Continues to be pissed at me.." I quickly texted Kayla: Hey! Just heard the voicemail. I'm going to my friend's artshow. Come join me! I'll text you the info.

"Anything I should know about this guy?" I asked.

"Asbolute wastrel," Spiros said.

"Just like the last god I met." A flicker of light in the peephole told me someone was on the other side of the door. I heard the ticking and clicking of someone operating with the door's many locks. Spiros rolled his eyes.

"Oh, 'ha ha.' You're speaking of me. Yes, very clever. Do you have a plan for how to deal with this person?"

"Of course. You know I'm good with people."

"Yes?" The squeamish sound came through the crack of the door.

"Hi! Is this Squonk?" I asked.

"Yes. This is he. Whom, may I ask, is inquiring?"

"Could you please take a step back from the door, Squonk?" I asked.

"Pardon?"

"The door, Squonk. Have you taken a step back from the door?"

"W-why?"

"Because I'm going to knock it down." I slammed my foot on the door, splintering the tiny chain that held the door closed. The light from outside poured into the dusty duplex and flashbanged my potential ally. He peddled backward, before falling on his back and crawling. I grabbed him by his collar. He was a small man, hair thinning. His godly complexion was dotted by an excess of greasy food. His nose crooked and his eyes red from crying.

"Hi there! I'm here to have a little talk," I said.

"Who are you?!" The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"Take a breath. Dig deep. Think about it. Who am I? What's on my shoulder right now?"

"Hello, Squonk," Spiros said.

"Sp-Sp-Spiros!?" His shaky head turned to me, "That means you're… you're…"

"I'm Anon! The newest god in the pantheon," I placed him back on his feet then offered my hand to shake. He recoiled in fear.

"Let's talk!" I said, looking around, "What do you think, Spiros?" Spiros scoffed, "This place is squalid. Hardly fit for a divorced raccoon, let alone a god." I removed the stack of magazines that had laid roots on a chair and sat down, "He's right, Squonk. I mean… for god's sake! You're Squonk, the Squonk god. That should mean something. You got any coffee?"

"Yes, and what food do you have? I'm feeling feverishly snacky," Spiros said.

"I… I have coffee and leftover chinese." My eyes gazed at the mountain of coffee cups next to his laptop. I turned back to him and said, "Can I say something brutally honest?"

"Y-you weren't being brutal before?"

"Spiros tells me the gods were allowed to start visiting earth in animal form after level 500. I looked into you. You didn't show up on earth until after America became a country. I mean… that's recent."

"Those first 500 levels are really hard."

"Other gods show up across different cultures, countries, over centuries. You've barely got a paragraph in 'American Tall Tales.' You're a Squonk, a creature that's so ugly people could hear you crying throughout the Appalachias."

"In the saggy flesh," Squonk mewled.

"I read online that you wrote an ebook called 'How to Theragun Your Back Alone?'""That book ranked in the Top 50 for Amazon's Lonely Men Section."

"And your op-ed in the New York Times? The Case For Being Pathetic?" I showed him on my phone a picture of him, he was crying in the picture. I looked up at him and it was almost the exact face.

'They told me they weren't going to use that picture."

"Dude. You're a god. Other gods get like… brand deals and date celebrities. You get that right? What celebrity have you dated?"

"I dated Andie MacDowell."

"No you didn't," I said.

"We went on one date."

"No you didn't."

"We bumped into each other at Pilates class."

"Is that true?"

"I saw her walking out of her pilates class while I was eating lunch."

"Be honest." He slumped down, "While I was eating out of the trash."

"Was it even Andie MacDowell?" Spiros asked.

"I thought it was but when I asked how working with Bill Murray was, she said, 'Get away from me, I'm not Andie MacDowell.'""Okay," I said, "So, I'll give you that. You kind of dated Andie Mcdowell. But other than that, let's face it. You suck. I don't mean to be mean. I just calls them hows I sees them. Ain't that right, Spiros?"

"He's right. I've never seen him sees them and not calls them," agreed Spiros.

"So… why are you torturing me? Just go on and kill me already."

"Why!? For a couple of experience points? For the ability to… what is your ability again?"

"I cry and I smell bad," Squonk said.

"You cry and you smell bad. I could do that shit for free. No, there's no point in killing you. But honestly? You could still turn this whole thing around."

"What do you mean?"

"You've got an optics problem! You need some good publicity. Something that tells the world… hey world? I don't just cry and smell bad. I've got a badass champion too." His dull eyes sparkled.

"Wow."

'Yeah, be wowed. Be very wowed."

"But every person I asked to be my champion says they'd rather work their mail job."

"You've just been asking your mail person?" I asked. He nodded his head, "The only follower I have is Vicky."

"Okay…" I said, "Who's she?"

"She's this ten year old who kicked me in the shin when I was wearing cargo shorts. Her mom says she can't fight dungeons until she's in college." I shook my head, then I looked at Spiros. Spiros was way ahead of me. Shaking his head even deeper than I was.

"Pathetic," Spiros said.

"I… I know. And I've seen that kid's performance at her spelling bee. She's not getting into college." He dropped his head down. I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder, "I can help you."

"No," Spiros insisted, "Don't. He's not worth it."

"No, Spiros. I can. I may live to regret it, but I can help."

"Why would you do that?" Squonk asked.

"Obviously, I could announce myself as this world's new Kirin god. It would rule and everyone would love me, but then I'd have a target on my back. And there's a reason I called myself 'Anon.' So… I'd like to launder a god's name and pretend that's where I got mine. So… we'll pretend that I'm your follower, and I'll use Spiros' almighty powers to make you look good. Got it?"

"You'd do that for me!?" He asked, his head dashing between Spiros and I. Spiros let out a deep breath and said, "Just know we're doing a huge, huge favor for you. We could take this to any god, really. I was absolutely against it."

"He's right. This is a gift we're giving you. What do you say, Squonk? You ready for your first real champ?"

"Well… wouldn't you still be…?"

"Right!" I said, snapping my fingers, "No, you're right. You ready for your first… fake real champ?" He smiled and accepted my outstretched hand for a handshake. His hands were so clammy.

"What's our first step?"

"What else?" I asked," We've got to tell the whole world!"