Chương 45: The Morning After

I woke up to the worst headache of either life. My skull felt like someone had stuffed it full of angry wasps and then used it as a drum. Every thought hurt. Existing hurt. I cracked one eye open and immediately regretted it. I was sprawled in a hollow log surrounded by flower petals and bottle caps that were arranged in a circle around me.

"Good morning, Great Trash Panda," a cheerful voice said. I turned my head slowly because fast movements made the wasps angrier. Tala was sitting on a nearby rock looking far too pleased with herself.

"Why do you look so happy?" I croaked.

"Oh, no reason," Tala said.

"Just enjoying this beautiful morning. And your suffering. Mostly your suffering." I tried to sit up but my body protested.

"What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Tala's eyes sparkled.

"I remember," I paused, trying to sort through the fog. Images came in fragments.

"I remember coming back to the church. You were talking to Bambi. There were offerings?"

"Mmhmm," Tala confirmed, not helping at all.

"Fruits," I said slowly.

"Lots of fruits. Really ripe fruits." I could see it now. I'd planned to have a serious conversation with Bambi about boundaries and realistic expectations. I knew I wasn't going to, but at least I'd worked up the courage to face Tala, which was even more impressive. Instead I walked into what appeared to be a celebration. From what I could remember, Mort had shouted, "Grandfather Raccoon has returned!" Then he'd fainted. Bambi had rushed over after that.

"Father! We have offerings for you and Mother Squirrel. The congregation has brought their finest fruits to honor your sacred bond!" Mother Squirrel? Sacred bond? More memories were starting to worm their way to the surface. I'd looked at Tala, who'd given me the most innocent smile I'd ever seen. Every instinct had screamed DANGER, but I'd been too confused to process it. Everyone had been watching me expectantly so I thought it'd be rude not to eat them. Oh no. She didn't.

"Oh yes," Tala said, reading my expression. The animals had started giving me fruits and berries. All of them had been overripe. I hadn't thought about it at the time since I was worried about Tala's revenge. It turned out they were the revenge. I remembered a rabbit proudly bringing them to me while saying something like, "We brought the sweetest ones!" I should have known. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. But I'd also been surrounded by dozens of hopeful animals, all waiting to see if their god would accept their offerings.

How could I refuse without crushing their spirits?

"How drunk did I get?" I asked.

"On a scale of one to ten?" Tala pretended to consider before shrugging. That was not a number. That was much worse than a number. I'd eaten one berry and then another. They'd tasted weird, fizzy, but not bad. When I complimented the fruits, the animals had practically glowed with pride. It hadn't been long before my small raccoon body started to feel warm and fuzzy. A short time later I'd started to feel very friendly. Damn, I thought as the memories returned. It can't get worse, right?

Then I remembered something.

"Oh god," I muttered.

"I gave a speech, didn't I?"

"You gave several," Tala corrected.

"All of them were very passionate."

"What did I say?" Apparently, by that time I'd been almost blackout drunk. Not good.

"First you talked about the philosophy of trash for approximately twenty minutes." I groaned. The memory was coming back. I'd been standing on the rock platform. Whatever I had been doing, the congregation had loved it. Several animals had actually cried. Brother Splinter had even been taking notes. If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.

"Then," Tala continued, "you decided everyone needed to know how much you appreciated them." I remembered climbing down from a rock while the world tilted. I'd screamed, "You're all my favorite! Every single one of you! You, rabbit! You're so cute! And you, snake! Being a snake is awesome! And Mort! MORT! Where's Mort?" From what I could piece together, someone told me he'd fainted again. I wanted to bury my face in my paws when I realized what I'd said.

It went, "Well, when he wakes up, tell him he's also my favorite! Everyone's my favorite!" The animals had cheered.

"And Bambi!" I'd turned to the deer goddess, feeling uncharacteristically emotional.

"You're the best daughter ever. Did I tell you that? You're the best. Building this church, helping everyone, being all deer-y and nice. You're my dear deer."

"Thank you, Father," Bambi had said, looking genuinely touched. I wanted to say 'aw' at the memory but instead I had to grab my stomach and fight not to puke. Unfortunately, that nausea wasn't the worst part. I remembered the truly terrible part. I'd said, "And Tala! TALA! You're the best wife ever!"

"I called you my wife," I said.

"You did," Tala confirmed.

"In front of everyone. It was very sweet. Also very embarrassing. But mostly sweet. And now you can't take it back." In the back of my head, I could still hear my followers chanting "Mother Squirrel! Mother Squirrel!"

"Kill me now," I muttered.

"Not yet. There's more," Tala said sweetly. There's more? Yep, she's got to pay for this.

"After your emotional declarations," Tala said, "Bambi decided it was the perfect time to share the sermon she'd prepared. About our courtship." My remaining dignity crumbled as the image of Bambi standing before the congregation telling everyone, "And that's when Father Raccoon composed poetry to express his feelings." I wanted to die, again, although this time not because of the headache. I'd admitted writing poems to my followers and they'd demanded I recite some of them.

I'd said something about acorns and ladders. Then Tala had urged me on. God, what a she-devil. She made me walk the plank and then gave me an anchor. One of the poems came back to me, almost as if it was taunting me.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, Tala's the best, there's no one like you." Apparently, my followers had been touched. I was almost as embarrassed for them as I was for myself, especially since it made several of them cry.

"Tala," I said now, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Please tell me I didn't really recite poetry."

"Oh, you did. And then you elaborated on the sacred items you brought me during courtship."

"Please tell me that's all," I begged.

"We're not even to the best part yet," Tala said.

"After the sermon, you decided to demonstrate the Sacred Ritual of Purification." I had a vague memory of water and a lot of animals watching me washing my hands.

"You solemnly explained that before consuming food, one must cleanse it of impurities," Tala said.

"Then you spent fifteen minutes washing a single berry." The details came flooding back. I'd dunked a berry over and over so many times that it would make a person with OCD say it was too much. I remembered saying something like, "This berry deserves to be clean. We need to respect what we consume. Everything is precious." Dozens of animals had watched, completely riveted. Then I'd continued.

"Rinsing is important. We can't skip the rinse. It represents washing away sins and regrets."

"How many times should we rinse, Great Noyasunai?" someone had asked.

"At least three times," I'd said with absolute conviction based on nothing.

"Maybe four if it's really dirty. Or five. Five's a good number. Let's say five." I'd finally eaten the berry after all that. It had taken me seconds. I'd spent fifteen minutes washing it.

"That," I'd declared proudly, "is how you show respect to food." I remembered their applause afterwards.

"They're all washing their food five times now," Tala informed me.

"You've established an official ritual." I put my head in my paws.

"Then came the singing," Tala added.

"No," I said. There was no way in hell I sang in front of others.

"Oh yes. The congregation composed hymns in your honor so you decided to sing with them."

"Make it stop," I whimpered.

"We're not done. After the singing, as your grand finale, you declared your eternal love for me in front of everyone." My blood ran cold.

"I did what?"

"Oh yes. You stood right up on that rock, pointed at me, and got very enthusiastic." The final memory surfaced. I'd climbed back onto the rock and pointed at Tala.

"Tala is my soulmate! My partner! My better half! She's smarter than me, prettier than me, and has a much fluffier tail! Everyone should have a Tala! But this Tala is MINE!"

"Three cheers for Mother Squirrel!" I'd shouted.

"HIP HIP HOORAY!" The animals had roared, loving every second.

"I love you guys. You're all the best. The best congregation ever." Then everything had gone dark. I looked at Tala, who was practically glowing.

"You did this on purpose," I said.

"I did," she confirmed.

"You abandoned me to deal with divine politics. So I got you drunk and let you embarrass yourself in front of your entire congregation. Also, I had no idea how you truly felt about me. That was all you." Then she smiled and blinked her lashes at me.

"It was so romantic. I can't wait to tell Shelly." Kill me now.

"Just so you know, you're more popular than ever. Drunk Abe is apparently very relatable and emotionally available." I groaned, pressing my paws against my aching head.

"Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Just one more thing." Tala's smile turned evil.

"We got married."

"I hate you," I mumbled, laying back while I waited for death.

"Aww, no you don't hubby. You LUB me. You said so last night," Tala said.

"By the way, I was able to record the whole thing on the smart watch you bought me," she said, holding up the watch on her front left wrist. I hope she doesn't send that to Pierre, I thought. Even as I thought it, I knew it was absolutely going to happen. She would definitely show it to anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat. That wasn't the end though. Apparently, Gaia had to get in on the action too. At some point last night, I received a notification. DIVINE MARRIAGE CONFIRMED. Awaiting Consummation.

MESSAGE FROM GAIA. More family members coming soon?