Chương 65: Accidental Army

Everyone was avoiding me. It took me a while to notice, but I did. Pierre suddenly had urgent pack business whenever I tried to talk to him. Shelly claimed she needed to coordinate with the druids about protective wards, something Tala also said she was doing, which seemed suspicious since they both couldn't be doing the same thing in different places at the same time. Claire was busy doing… something.

Derek was professional but kept conversations strictly about construction specifications, measurements, materials, and of course, cost. He didn't seem to have time for small talk. I guess I could understand since he looked extremely stressed. I was a little worried his hair was about to start falling out. I kept on seeing him grabbing his hair and pulling at it whenever something new happened. Even Ignis seemed nervous around me.

The dragon watched me with those innocent gold eyes, carefully tracking my movements around the garage. Then he'd quickly look away whenever I noticed him staring. It was like he thought I might suddenly turn around and breathe fire at him. Which was ridiculous. He was the one with developing fire glands, not me. And Tala... Tala was being supportive. There was no teasing or hints that she and I needed a baby, not just me and Mort. There was just genuine encouragement and helpful suggestions.

That's when I knew something was really, seriously wrong.

"Am I…" I'd cornered her that morning while she was grooming her tail while sitting on the fence post.

"Did I do something?" She paused mid-groom, one paw frozen near her ear.

"Hmm? No, of course not."

"Then why is everyone acting weird?" I asked.

"Are they?" She said this too casually and went back to grooming, very deliberately not looking at me.

"Tala," I insisted.

"I really need to go coordinate with the druids. Very important druid things. You know, for coordinating the placement of the warding spells. You know how it is." She hopped down from the post and started toward the tree line.

"You just said you were doing that yesterday!" I reminded her.

"It's a very involved process! Lots of coordinating!" She called back over her shoulder.

"Very time-consuming! Can't rush these things!"

"Tala!" I called out, but she ignored me and disappeared into the underbrush. Her tail was the last thing I saw before she vanished completely. I stood there, staring at the spot where she'd been, my own tail lashing in irritation. Fine. If everyone was going to be weird and avoid me like I had the plague, I'd just... do my own thing. I looked around for Mort. At least the opossum was predictable. Annoying, but predictable. He'd probably be stealing something, feeding Lifna, and generally being a pest.

I found him near the construction site, trying to steal one of Derek's levels. The opossum had the tool halfway into his pouch. His beady little eyes were darting around to make sure nobody was watching.

"Mort," I said, not even bothering to say anything about what he was doing. I was starting to get numb to it. It was just one more thing I'd end up paying for. He froze.

"Lifna needs it!" I pinched the bridge of my snout with one paw. At least it was the normal kind of ridiculousness I was used to having.

"Have you noticed everyone acting strange around me?" I asked. Mort paused, then failed spectacularly at sneaking the level behind his back before it disappeared.

"Strange how?" It was obvious he wasn't paying much attention to our conversation, so I elaborated, hoping he would listen now that his loot was safely stashed away.

"Avoiding me like I have the plague."

"Oh, that," Mort said while looking around at the other nearby construction materials.

"What do you mean ' that'?" I asked, while making a mental note to remind everyone not to leave any tools lying around.

"Oh, that's because you're being a grouchy ass," Mort shrugged, unconcerned.

"People are probably just giving you space. Letting you cool down before you start a flood or something." I sighed, realizing that Mort was probably right. I had been… annoyed recently and it was possible that maybe I'd been a little… taciturn. Not really wanting to think about it, I switched subjects.

"Can you maybe go collect material somewhere else? Like the forest?"

"Why?" He actually looked confused.

"She likes metal more than wood."

"Come on," I almost begged.

"Do you know how much Derek's charging me for materials to replace everything you've stolen?!"

"Growing planets need proper nutrition!" Mort was already waddling away, heading toward a pile of lumber.

"You can't put a price on good parenting!"

"What are you doing?" I asked, exasperated as a 2x4 disappeared.

"You said she preferred metal. That was wood."

"Come on, do you like eating the same thing all the time? I know I don't." Apparently, Mort thought he'd won that argument and started walking toward the concrete blocks. Realizing there was winning an argument with Mort, I decided to make him follow me to meet Bambi and her army. At least that way he couldn't take anything else. Anyway, I needed to see exactly what kind of 'military training' Bambi had everyone doing. I waddled over to him and grabbed his tail and started tugging him away from the concrete blocks.

"Let's go see Bambi," I ordered. Mort looked like he wanted to ignore me, but I gave him a look. Luckily, it worked since Mort meekly fell into step beside me. He did hold his tail in his paws and looked at it as if it hurt. We headed toward the church clearing, leaving behind the chaotic sounds that had annoyed me since yesterday. When we eventually got near the clearing holding the Church of Reincarnation, I slowed down. My ears perked up when I heard some unusual sounds.

"The way of the ninja is balance! Focus! Pizza!" I froze mid-step. That was Splinter's voice, the one who thought that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a holy text. And he was teaching... what, exactly?

"Again!" Splinter's voice rang out with surprising authority.

"Strike with precision! Block with honor! Remember the sacred words, cowabunga!"

"Cowabunga!" Multiple voices echoed back, high-pitched and enthusiastic. I motioned for Mort to stay where he was, which he happily did. While he started picking up branches off the ground and making them disappear, I crept closer, using my Mask of Many Paws to turn invisible. Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. The clearing was full of animals. And they were... training?

Splinter stood on a raised stump like a tiny furry sensei, demonstrating what looked like martial arts kata. Except the movements were clearly cobbled together from action movies. Bad action movies at that. Probably the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies specifically. God, get bored one night and binge watch the movies, and this happens, I thought. A raccoon, a mink, an opossum, and a black bear tried to mimic his stance. Three of them immediately fell over. The bear was the only one who even came close.

Fortunately, there were no turtles. At least not yet, I thought.

"Balance is key." Splinter hopped down from the stump. He did so gracefully, I'd give him that.

"Like this!" He demonstrated again.

"Center your weight! Feel the flow of chi!"

"What's chi?" my fellow raccoon asked.

"The life force that flows through all things! The energy of the universe!" If I didn't know better, I might even have been fooled by his earnestness. He sounded like he believed every word he was saying. I watched in fascinated horror as more animals joined in. There were other rats and mice practicing what looked like tiny karate chops. Even a few frogs and toads joined them. This was the army? Wow, the military should be quaking in their boots, I thought. Then some movement in the trees caught my attention.

Agnes was there, perched on a sturdy branch. She was directing some squirrels and chipmunks who were gathered around her.

"Accuracy is everything!" she was saying, holding up an acorn.

"You must hit your target! Predict their movement! Lead your shot! Ready? Throw!" A young squirrel wound up like a baseball pitcher and threw…and then BONK. The acorn hit me square on the head.

"OW!" I yelped, immediately dropping out of invisibility.

"Sorry!" the squirrel called down, sounding genuinely apologetic.

"I didn't see you there, Great Spirit!"

"Target practice?" I called up, rubbing my head.

"You're practicing throwing nuts at people?"

"Projectile warfare!" Agnes said proudly, like this was completely reasonable.

"The next time enemies come, we'll be ready! We'll bombard them from above! They'll never see it coming! Everyone, throw another one! Show the Great Spirit our improved technique!"

"No, don't…" I started to object before nuts started landing all around me. BONK. Another acorn, this one hitting my shoulder.

"Stop throwing nuts at me," I complained.

"Sorry! We're still working on the 'don't hit friendlies' part!" Hazel called down.

"It's harder than it looks!"

"Clearly," I muttered as I moved away from the projectile zone, shaking my head, only to step directly into… Nothing. My front paw went through the ground where ground should have been. My weight shifted forward. I tumbled, catching myself on my other paws before I completely face-planted into the dirt. A rabbit poked its head out of a nearby burrow, dirt on its nose, looking far too cheerful for something that had just made me trip.

"Oh! Sorry, Great Spirit! We're practicing rapid tunnel digging for trip traps!"

"Trip traps," I repeated slowly, extracting my paw from the hole.

"Yes!" The rabbit hopped fully out of its burrow, vibrating with excitement.

"The enemy runs toward us and we dig holes in their path. They'll fall and break their ankles! It's brilliant! Bambi thought of it! Well, she said she learned it from a movie about a war, but still!"

"What movie?" I was already dreading what I was about to hear.

"Home Alone, I think? The sacred child warrior who defends his territory from invaders using clever traps and household items!" The rabbit seemed unreasonably proud of herself. I stared at the rabbit. They were learning guerrilla warfare tactics from "Home Alone." Damn, I need to turn off the television when I fall asleep, I reminded myself. Who knew what they'd watched while I was sleeping.

"We've gotten very fast!" the rabbit continued, oblivious to my growing existential crisis.

"Want to see?"

"No, I…" I started to say. However, she completely ignored me. The ground around me erupted in three new holes, appearing in rapid succession. Rabbits popped up from each one like furry, dirt-covered prairie dogs.

"Ta-da!" they chorused. I was so surprised I fell on my butt. For a few seconds, I just sat there, wondering 'Why me?'

"Sorry! We're very enthusiastic about our training!" One rabbit disappeared back into its hole.

"Mother Bambi says enthusiasm is important for morale!" I stood up, then carefully stepped around the new holes, my tail puffed up in agitation. Above, I heard a whooshing sound. Wings. Lots of wings. Birds. Flying in formation. Diving in coordinated patterns. Then I smelled it. Oh no." Dive bomb practice!" a cardinal called out from somewhere above.

"Party Pooper Squad, release your chemical weapons." I looked up just in time to see several birds pass overhead in a V-formation, white droppings falling from their… I rolled aside, divine reflexes kicking in just fast enough. The ground where I'd been standing was suddenly decorated with fresh bird droppings. Several of the rabbits were hit. Unsurprisingly, they were annoyed.

"Not here you bird-brains!" One of them shouted at the birds.

"Sorry," one of the birds responded, a raven. However, even to me, it didn't sound like he meant it. A bluebird said to the other birds, "See, it affects the morale they were so proud of." I couldn't help myself, and asked, "So, Bambi told you to weaponize your poop?" A cardinal replied, "She said 'use every natural advantage.' We interpreted that creatively!"

"Very creatively," I agreed. Another bird flew by, a robin.

"We've been working on accuracy and payload delivery! Want to see?"

"No!" I backed away from the birds.

"No, I absolutely do not want to see!" I stood there in the clearing and shook my head. Yep, I probably should have expected something like this, I thought. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or just give up and accept that this was my life now. However, that feeling only lasted a few seconds before I realized why they were practicing so hard. They were doing this for me, and for their brothers and sisters who had died.

They were practicing, knowing that they would be putting their life on the line if they used what they were practicing. It actually made me feel a knot in my stomach. Suddenly, I realized it wasn't a laughing matter at all. There was nothing funny about what they were doing. Instead, I was impressed by their dedication. I just hoped that they wouldn't need to use the… skills they were practicing. Nodding to them, I headed toward the center of the clearing before anything else could hit, trip, or poop on me.

Although I would never admit it, I was curious to see what other surprises were waiting for me. At the central tree, I found more animals. They were resting on cushions made from old blankets. There were still a few with wounds that hadn't fully healed from the last battle. They looked up when I entered. The silence was immediate and complete.

"I, uh." I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling awkward.

"I came to say thank you." One of the wounded animals stood up.

"Great Trash Panda, we are honored by your presence."

"No, you honor me," I said simply. I looked around at all of them. Squirrels, rabbits, birds, mice, and numerous other animals standing around. Some of them had visible scars. All looking at me with expressions of devotion and hope and trust that made my chest feel tight.

"You fought for me," I said quietly.

"For each other. You died for me. Buck, Almond, the others... they gave everything."

"We would do it again," Bambi said, stepping forward from where she'd been standing. Her voice was steady, certain, fierce.

"You gave us our second chances. We now have a purpose, a family. Of course we'd fight for that." The other animals murmured agreement, a soft chorus of squeaks and chirps and gentle sounds.

"I never wanted anyone to die for me," I said, my voice rougher than I intended.

"But many have." I looked around at all of them again. These ridiculous, brave, loyal animals who'd adopted a trash panda as their god.

"Thank you," I said again, the words coming from somewhere deep. Somewhere genuine and raw and more honest than I usually let myself be.

"All of you. For believing in me when I barely believe in myself. For fighting for me when I never asked you to fight. For…" I gestured around at the church, at the training grounds outside, at all of it.

"For all of this. For being here and for being you." The words hung in the air. And apparently, they were more divine than I'd intended. I hadn't even said the word blessing, but apparently, that wasn't needed. I'd even carefully avoided saying "bless" or anything like it. However, it didn't matter. Golden green light burst from my chest, spreading through the church in rippling waves, touching every animal present. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING. Notifications bombarded me.

I only had a second to read the first line of the notification before the world tilted sideways. INCIDENTAL CAUSALITY ACTIVATED. Divine Blessings Bestowed. My legs went weak, divine energy draining out of me faster than I could recover it. There were just too many blessings all at once, despite the presence of my followers. I was dimly aware of hitting the floor. My last coherent thought before everything went dark was, I've been hanging around Mort too long. This is exactly the kind of stupid thing he'd do.

Then nothing. Just blessed, unconscious darkness.