Chương 103: Cracks

Hecate was muttering something in her sleep. Vasil sat next to the fire, watching her. What she had done today should not have been possible. First there was the fight with the chaos tree. She had made that look easy somehow. Then she had taken on eight inquisitors by herself and had the villagers on their knees, weeping in gratitude. That fight was the first time he'd ever seen her struggle. Something was different, and it wasn't the overwhelming odds. At first he'd thought it was strategy.

The chaos, the jokes, the seemingly random decisions that somehow worked. He'd assumed it was calculated. A performance designed to keep enemies off-balance, to make herself unpredictable and therefore dangerous. Some of it probably was. But not all of it. Not anymore. Outwardly she tried to project confidence, but he was starting to see the cracks. Even the things she said to them sometimes did not make sense anymore. That worried him. It was easy to forget that she was still just a girl. The things she had done.

The things she had endured. No one deserved that, especially not someone as young as her. It would have destroyed most people, and while she fought it with everything she had, it was becoming more and more apparent to him that something inside her had already broken. Perhaps it had been broken all along and she had been able to hide it until now. The forest was quiet, save for Hecate's occasional whimpers. She had gotten more restless in her sleep lately. She was having nightmares more often than not.

"Perry," she whispered, head jerking to the side. Kasia looked concerned.

"She's getting worse." Vasil nodded solemnly.

"She is."

"Should we wake her?" He shook his head.

"Let her sleep." Kasia crawled over and lay beside her, wrapping her arms around the sleeping girl. Hecate stiffened.

"No, no," she said. Kasia gently started stroking her hair, and slowly she seemed to calm down. Vasil watched the two of them—the girl who was losing her mind, and the girl who was trying to hold her together. It was a strangely beautiful sight. Kasia was supposed to be the one Hecate was protecting, but now the roles were reversed. Hecate's breathing slowed and the tension in her body disappeared as Kasia continued stroking her hair. Vasil wondered what would have happened if they hadn't run into Kasia.

Would Hecate have been better or worse? Being responsible for another person meant even more weight on her shoulders, and she was already carrying such a heavy burden. Either way he was glad for Kasia. Often she seemed to be the only one who could ground Hecate. And now, in this tender moment, she was even able to keep the nightmares at bay. Vasil looked away, staring into the trees. He'd seen a lot of people break over the years. Had come close to it himself more than once.

He knew what happened when people stopped processing their ghosts. Eventually they all broke. Eventually they became the very monsters they were fighting. Hecate was halfway there. He had to figure out a way to help her. A way to get her to face what was haunting her before it consumed her completely. Make her confront her ghosts before they turned her into one.

"We have to talk to her," Kasia said.

"She can't go on like this. We have to do something, or we'll lose her. She's unraveling." You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

"How would you do that?" Vasil asked.

"I don't know! You're supposed to be the smart one!" How would I do it? He thought. How could I broach the subject without her getting angry or deflecting with humor? Was she aware of what was happening to her? If she was it would make things a lot easier. If she wasn't, well, then it would be much more difficult to help her. Hecate was not the type of person to be convinced of anything unless she saw it herself. She might feel betrayed or attacked. She might even try to fight them.

It would probably work best if Kasia started the conversation. Kasia was honest, and Hecate clearly trusted her. She trusted him as well, sure, but she did not always take his words to heart. Sometimes it even felt like his words brought out her rebellious nature. Perhaps the fact that she saw him somewhat like a mentor, or some type of father-figure, was to blame for that. Children often rebelled against or wanted to break free from their parents, especially at her age.

Discussing her mental state might be easier when prompted by a friend, or sister as they jokingly called each other sometimes. It also made him feel like he'd failed. Again he had not been able to protect the girl he was supposed to care for. First Zosia, and now Hecate. Instead of helping, he had watched her slip without noticing, and he'd let her go so far he wasn't sure he could reach her anymore. He should have acted sooner. He should have seen the jokes for what they were.

He should have recognized the signs earlier. Why didn't he? Was it because it was easier to believe she was invincible? If she were invincible, he wouldn't have to face the terrifying possibility of failing again. Until today she had appeared to be. But maybe she only appeared that way because he got caught up in her charm and skill. Had he looked closer, he might have seen the cracks forming.

He had been a coward, hiding behind her fire so he didn't have to look at the cracks in her soul—cracks that looked far too much like his own. He'd spent his life advising kings. That came naturally to him. But taking care of an eighteen-year-old was somehow beyond him. It should have been easier—there were far fewer cogs and levers to pull, yet somehow it was impossibly hard. You couldn't manage a soul the way you managed a kingdom. There was no strategy for grief, and no politics for a breaking heart.

He knew how he had "handled" his own grief, and it hadn't been with wisdom or strategy. After the Church executed Zosia, after they had stripped him of his humanity and twisted his form into that of a wretched frog, he hadn't fought the agony. He had leaned into the torture. Every lash, every moment of humiliation had felt earned. He had failed to be a father, so he deserved to be a monster. He deserved to suffer.

He had let the pain hollow him out because he didn't believe there was anything left inside worth saving. Hecate had made him believe there was. That he might have purpose after all. That maybe he could redeem himself. Now he felt like he had been using her. He had let himself believe she was invincible because it was easier than admitting she was a traumatized girl who needed him. He had survived the Church's lashes by telling himself he deserved the pain.

But watching Hecate tremble in her sleep, whispering the name of her friend, was a new kind of torture, one he couldn't lean into. If she broke, it would be the final proof that he was nothing more than a pathetic failure who couldn't even save a child. That even the endless torture he endured was less than he deserved. He watched her sleeping, calmed only by Kasia's touch. He had survived the Church's torture, but he didn't think he could survive watching another daughter perish while he helplessly stood by.

How could he have missed the signs? For the first time in a very long time he prayed to Stvora. He prayed that it was not too late. He prayed that he would be able to help Hecate face her demons and come out on top. He prayed that he would not fail again. Stvora, you may have my life, my soul, my everything, but please, please let me help this girl.

"Vasil?" Kasia asked.

"You're crying. Are you alright?" Vasil didn't answer immediately. He hadn't even realized the tears were falling.

"I'm fine," he finally managed. A lie. He looked at Kasia, who was still holding Hecate, her eyes wide with a concern that made him feel even more like a fraud.

"I was just thinking about how we could help Hecate," he said.

"What can we do?"

"We will talk to her in the morning," he said, turning his back so Kasia wouldn't see his face.

"But we have to be careful. If she feels cornered, or if she feels like we're pushing her too hard, she might break completely. She might even feel like we are betraying her. I believe she will be most receptive if you start the conversation. Now rest, Kasia. You also need sleep." Then he did something he never imagined he would do. Mēnē, I do not know if you are there. I do not know if you are listening. Hecate seems to believe you are.

She tells us you are her guiding light, protecting her from above, showing her the path forward. I beg you, in your infinite wisdom, please share your light with me, so that I may help your chosen. Allow me to pull her back from the edge before she falls.