Chương 83: A Taste of Culture

I froze mid-sip, the mug still pressed against my lip. I heard a little pop from the pierogi in the pan. Jagoda stared at me with a crooked smile.

"Uh, yeah," I said.

"He was like 'meow this,' and 'meow that,' haha. Little guy sures like to talk." Jagoda chuckled again and went back to frying the pierogi.

"He sure does, doesn't he."

"What the fuck?" Pieruś said.

"I never said you're funny. Your jokes suck!" I petted his head.

"Haha, there he goes again, so full of compliments this little guy."

"Fuck you," he said again, and bit my hand. I pulled my hand out of his mouth and pulled on his ear.

"I see he also loves to play!" He put his nails deep into my hand.

"Fuck you, bitch!" I winced and pinched his nose.

"He's a feisty one!" Kasia kicked me under the table and whispered, "Stop it." I gently kicked Pieruś and he flew across the room.

"Looks like he has the zoomies!" I laughed. He looked like he was about to charge at me, but I let my revolver flow into my hand and pointed at his face. I slowly waggled it a bit. I shook my head. He sat down and glared at me. Meanwhile, Jagoda was still humming and frying pierogi. She turned around just as I pulled my pistol back into my hand.

"There we go," she said, sliding the plate onto the table.

"Meat on the left, sauerkraut and mushrooms on the right. Enjoy."

"Fuck you," Pieruś whispered from across the room. I made a little heart shape with my hands.

"Love you too, buddy." Jagoda chuckled grandmotherly. I took my mask off so I could eat properly. I grabbed one of the meat ones and took a bite out of it.

"Wow, you weren't kidding. This does taste like a noble food!" Jagoda looked at me with a puzzled expression. Pieruś's demeanor changed in an instant.

"I told you," he said smugly. I tried one of the sauerkraut and mushroom ones, and the sourness honestly was worse than a lemon. Way worse. It was like twenty lemons at once. The meat one had been perfect, while this one was… like an attempt on my life. I wanted to spit it out, but obviously I couldn't. I didn't want to insult my host, especially since she still owed me a Vortex rune. Desperation rising, I turned to Kasia who was staring at me with her mouth open, eyes wide, trying to signal something maybe?

Did she mean I should just spit it out? Had I been poisoned? I looked at Jagoda, who was smiling and rubbing her hands. Finally, I glanced over at Pieruś. He was still sitting across the room, his eyes fixed on me.

"How's the cabbage… dumbass?" he asked. Damn it! It was a set up! Maybe he told her who I was? How could he have known? How could she have known? I was wearing my… Shit. I turned back to Jagoda, whose grandmotherly smile suddenly felt a lot more like a predator bearing its teeth. How could I have been so foolish? The sauerkraut burned on my tongue, damn it! It must have been poison. I was going to die because of my carelessness. The cat had been right, I was a dumbass.

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"Is something wrong, dearie?" Jagoda asked sweetly. Her eyes were fixed on my face with a level of intensity that made the hair on my neck stand up.

"You look a little... pale." This bitch! This fucking bitch! After all those assholes trying to kill me, it was a grandma that finally did me in! How incredibly embarrassing. I should just blast her head off right here, right now, I thought. If I was going down, I was going to take the old hag with me. My tongue was literally dissolving in my mouth at this point, and my heart was pounding so fast I thought I would die from a heart attack before the poison even got a chance to kill me.

I looked at Kasia who just took a bite out of one of the sauerkraut ones. I slapped the remaining part out of her hand, trying to save her. She looked confused and swallowed what was already in her mouth. It was all over for her. Kasia was just as dead as I was. I had failed her. Tears welled up in my eyes. How could I have been so careless? How could I have been so stupid?

"I'm so sorry, Kasia," I cried.

"Anna?" she asked, genuinely confused. I felt sick. I gagged and spat the chewed up mess onto the table.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you." She put a reassuring hand on mine. Even in her final moments she was thinking about how I felt. What a kind and beautiful soul. And that kind and beautiful soul would now be extinguished because I led us straight into a trap.

"Protect me? From what?" she asked.

"The poison!" I pointed at the chewed up pierogi.

"The poison?" She stared at it, then slowly started smiling. Her shoulders started shaking and she finally burst out laughing.

"They're not poisoned, Anna. That's how they're supposed to taste. That's sauerkraut." I was at a loss for words. At a loss for thoughts. People eat this? Intentionally? I stuck out my tongue and touched it—it was still there, it wasn't dissolved at all. What was happening?

"You're a real ungrateful piece of work," Pieruś said.

"Oh dear," Jagoda said as she shuffled over to me.

"Are you alright? Can I get you some water? Or more rhubarb kompot?" I giggled nervously.

"I'm.. I'm sorry Jagoda, I forgot to mention I'm allergic… to sauerkraut."

"Oh, I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have asked." She filled a new mug with water and started cleaning up the mess I made.

"I'm glad I also made a lot of ones with meat filling, so you can eat those." Kasia rubbed my back.

"You're alright, Anna. No one is trying to kill you." I thought back to my near-death experience with the sauerkraut and shivered. No wonder no one ever laughs in Silesia. I grabbed the water with a trembling hand and took a big sip, praying it would wash away the sour aftertaste that ungodly concoction had left in my mouth. A couple more sips and the taste was mostly gone, though my tongue still tingled. Maybe it wasn't, and I was just imagining things.

"Thank you, Jagoda," I said.

"And I'm sorry about the mess. Those allergies, they sneak up on you sometimes."

"Don't worry about it, Anna," she said as she gave the table one last wipe.

"I'm just glad you're alright." Across the room, Pieruś was watching me with narrow, judgmental eyes.

"Allergic," he scoffed.

"If being a dumbass was an allergy, you'd be in anaphylactic shock right now." Were all cats assholes? Had they always been assholes? I'd only spoken to two cats since getting [Omniglot] and cats were becoming less cute and charming with each one.

"Fuck you," I mouthed. He rolled his eyes, then pulled up a leg and started licking his butt. Just like Phisto always did! Was this some kind of insult? Was he trying to establish dominance? Maybe he was trying to show me just how little he cared about me. I'll show him how little I care about him, I thought and grabbed one of the meaty pierogi.

"Let's not forget about the Vortex runestone," Jagoda said.

"You brave girls did bring back my sweet baby Pieruś, and that deserves a reward."

"I'm just glad we could help," I said, pretending to be humble. Jagoda disappeared into one of the rooms.

"I'll just be a minute," she called. I turned to Kasia, who shook her head.

"You're always so paranoid, Hecate. Not everyone is trying to kill you." I pointed at her.

"You say that, but a statistically significant amount of people have tried to kill me. Eating that sauerkraut was a very traumatizing experience. I genuinely thought I was going to die, and even worse, I thought you were going to die as well, because of me!" Kasia laughed softly.

"It's nice that you're so worried about me, but as you see, we are fine. Jagoda is fine. Pieruś is fine."

"Pieruś? Sweet baby Pieruś?" I asked.

"Pieruś is an asshole. He's anything but fine. He's been talking shit the whole time. Maybe we can still kill him after we get that Vortex rune? We'd be doing the world a service."

"I'm right here!" he said.

"Yeah. That's the problem," I replied.

"Would be better if you weren't."

"Look, dumbass, without me you would have never gotten a Vortex rune."

"I haven't seen a Vortex rune yet. For all I know it's all still a ploy to try to kill me and Kasia. But especially me." Right at that moment Jagoda walked back in with an enormous knife.

"About that Vortex rune."