Chương 27: Book 1; Chapter 26; Ethics class (1)

"Two main things about our topic before we go any deeper," Rainee started.

"Despite any beliefs and prior teachings, they are unmovable and unchangeable. It is never rude to tell the truth. And it is never crude to be short and straightforward. In any other case, rudeness depends on the intent of the person, what they are trying to achieve, and what impact they want to make on others.

But no matter what intention a person has, if they say the truth, bear in mind that truth and personal opinion are not the same, so when truth is stated, no matter under what intention, rudeness does not exist in it. Any questions about that?"

"Yes, how is one supposed to know if someone is telling the truth or their own opinion?"

"Well, that's very easy. If what you know matches what you think, then for you it is a truth. Keep in mind that we are talking about rudeness now, not about how to distinguish truth as a truth is in genuine, as that would be a more complicated subject that takes longer to learn and understand than a day or two. We must realise that rudeness in reality is a non-existent phenomenon invented by humans. First, we created our own standards, and those who don't behave according to these standards we call rude.

And I am not talking now about high standards that could be taken as an example for others. No, those who don't uphold those standards we call stupid, silly, ignorant, and many other similar words, which is not true, either, as usually they are just less educated or less capable than we are, or they just want to be different. But when we call someone rude, we typically do it for one and only one reason – because the person crossed our pretence boundaries.

Many of us have been taught from early days how to behave, and most of us have tried to act in a suggested manner even when we didn't like it, just to please others and be accepted by them. By doing so, we sacrificed a lot, giving up our freedom. Instead of doing, or even thinking and feeling, how we wanted, we changed ourselves to meet the criteria set by others. We were expected to meet these criteria to be accepted by those who surrounded us.

By doing so, we build borders around ourselves, defining how we should act under certain circumstances, and rarely would cross these borders ourselves, or if we do, we either apologise for doing so, or justify why we did it, or take it as a little adventure, a little naughty moment when we allow to ourselves something that we shouldn't be allowed. And when someone else walks through life without respecting these boundaries, it flares up a rage in us: "How dare they?"

We wouldn't allow ourselves to do it, so why should they?!

"It's so rude," we say. When reality is, we ourselves never wanted to behave in a way these borders define, and did it only because, at some point, the world expected us to do it, and we obliged. So why isn't the same world demanding it from someone who doesn't oblige? If the world agrees with us and demands it from the intruder, then we are happy and supportive. If the world doesn't, then we demand it ourselves. The smaller these borders are, the less likely you are ever to call someone rude.

The broader and more extended they are, the more rude others will look to us. If you didn't put any restrictions on yourself in your actions, in your life, then it is highly unlikely you will ever call anyone rude, even those who behave rudely. If something doesn't bother us personally, we don't become offended, no matter how others behave. We might get curious but not offended. A person who truly behaves rudely is in a lot of pain, and you would see that pain, not the way they act.

Let's go back to the question of whether the person that you consider rude is telling the truth or their own opinion. Some things don't have truth in them, as truth is not compatible with them, and only personal opinion can be said. Let's say someone asks me if their hairstyle is pretty. There is no truth in it. All I can say is my opinion that might be matching yours or might be different. If I say it is pretty, it will not become truth; if I say it is not, it will not become truth.

It would become a lie or the truth in what I say, but not about the beauty of the hair. If I think it is not pretty but I say it is, then it is a lie because I just lied, but this lie is not about hair; this lie is about what I said. Anything related to beauty, to comfort, to taste, and similar things doesn't have truth in it, as each of us sees and feels the world differently from our own perspectives. To try to match someone else's opinion means to lose part of oneself.

By asking someone's opinion on these matters when in reality you don't want to hear an opinion but want confirmation, encouragement, or a compliment, you can put others in a situation where they may either lie or hurt you. In this case, if your personal opinion doesn't match my personal opinion and I choose not to lie, then you will consider me rude and heartless when in reality we just have different opinions about something.

It was unethical for you to ask for my opinion when you didn't even want to hear it in the first place. If you want a compliment, not an opinion, then simply ask your friend to compliment you on something you like, and I believe you will have way more success. If you asked for a compliment and your friend gave you his opinion, then maybe he is not that good a friend after all, as he didn't even listen to what you asked for. So in these matters, truth never stands for itself, as there is no truth.

If we call someone rude because what they say doesn't match our opinion, then either they wanted to insult us – that's rude, or they said the truth as they think – that's not rude, no matter what effect it had on us. Ask the opinion of others only when you want to hear their opinion, not when you want others to match their opinion with yours.

To state your opinion when nobody asked you about it might be rude or might be not, depending on many factors: if you said what you think without knowing or guessing in advance that it will be unpleasant for others - it is not rude; to say your opinion to compliment - is not rude; to say your opinion to express yourself, your thoughts - is not rude, to tell someone that their opinion is not good and state your own - is rude.

If I were to state that I think that the blue colour is prettiest and you would tell me that it is not true, that the green colour is prettiest, you would be rude, as you just said to me that my opinion doesn't matter and yours is right.

But if I made it as a statement, if I say that the blue colour is the prettiest as a fact, then it would be rude for you not to stand up and say that it is not true because I just stated my opinion as a truth on a matter where truth does not exist, so I lied and truth has to be always spoken up. The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there. Statements like this are not just a lie, they also cause a lot of misleading and misunderstanding.

Those who dare to stand up for truth and disclose these lies, no matter how unimportant these lies look, are brave, not rude."

"So are you telling me if someone comes to me and calls me ugly, they are not rude?"

"No, I am not saying that at all. If someone comes to you to call you ugly, they want to insult you. You can definitely call it rude. From my perspective, where I stand, it is not rudeness; it is an attack or an assault, as every insult is. If someone came and hit you, would you consider it rude? Probably not, most likely you would consider it an offence. Then why, when your emotional self is hit, should it be taken more lightly than when your physical self is hit?

But if you want to call it just rude, then it is entirely up to you".

"Then, if I ask someone if I am pretty and they say that I am ugly, is it not rude? That is just an opinion?" – A young girl with a really pretty face asked.

"I can see there is room for confusion," Rainee answered.

"And it might seem that I am contradicting myself, but no, that is not just an opinion. That is also an insult. This part might be more challenging to understand for many, but let's look at it like this: for every one of us is given the right and choices to have our own likes and our own preferences. I am allowed to think what flower is more beautiful for me, what colour I prefer, what animal is cutest, what dress is prettiest, what landscape is the best, what food is tastiest, and so on.

Many, many things about how we feel, how we see, how we take in, what we prefer are individual for each of us. And it never should be a problem. Problems begin when we start to choose for others.

When we tell others that this flower is the prettiest not as our opinion but as a truth, as a statement, and expect others to agree with it; that this food is tastiest or healthiest and others have to eat it or otherwise they do something wrong; that others have to behave to these standards and not to others, otherwise they are lesser or at least strange; that others should look that way and not differently, otherwise they look ugly.

Let's put it simply like this – each of us is given the right to choose for ourselves, not for others, have an opinion about ourselves, not about others, how we should look, not how others should look, what we should learn, not what others should learn, what we should do, not what others should do. The only right given to us in relation to others is: do I want to stay with another while he or she is looking and behaving in a way they do. If not, then it is not up to us to expect them to change to suit us better.

If you don't want to stay with a person as he is right now, then don't stay. By staying, you just hurt yourself and others. Any attempt to modify others is unacceptable, and believing that we can is brought to us through many misunderstandings. It doesn't mean that you always have to leave a person for good, but if someone is behaving rudely with you, don't stay just because they were nice a minute ago.

If you suffer through bad behaviour hoping that it will pass, how will they know that it wasn't acceptable to you? And your withdrawal shouldn't be a punishment for others until they change, as they might never change, and definitely will not change until you punish them. Your withdrawal is for yourself. So no, if someone is calling others ugly for any reason, it is not acceptable as it is sorting out how others should look. It is not an opinion any more.

Such sorting comes only from injury, and I wouldn't advise anyone to stay with someone who is sorting you to their liking. Any more questions so far?" There was silence until someone finally said:"All that was said is entirely new and difficult to grasp. I have already forgotten most of it, and despite knowing that there would be a lot I want to ask, I cannot remember what it is."

"I will give a printout of today's discussion for everyone interested after class, so that you can read through it. So let's move further with rudeness. In our discussion, we covered a large part of rudeness, as calling someone rude only because of a different opinion is very common. Let's face the truth: if anyone there is disrespectful, it's the person who doesn't allow others to have their opinion.

We often call someone rude when we have set some standards as the norm, and others don't want to live by these standards. Same as before, in reality, it is those who expect others to live by rules who can be called rude, as it is not for them to decide. I would call it controlling, but it can be called rude.

Of course if someone is staying at somebody's house or in somebody's life, disagreeing with that somebody's rules and instead of moving away, expecting rules to be changed for them, then they are out of line, as every person is allowed to set rules for themselves, for their lives, for their home. Only they should be deciding when these rules are changed, if changed at all, and not someone else."

"But what if two people live together?"

"Well, there has to be a reason why they live together. As far as I know, there is no shortage of living spaces for it to be the reason. If people live together because they love each other, then the mentioned problems don't exist. When you love someone, you want to make life better for that person, and others don't have to force you to change, as you would be the first one to do so on subjects that are changeable for you.

If someone expects you to change where you don't want to change, then there is not too much love from them. If someone expects you to change without changing themselves - then they are not loving you. If someone only takes and never gives or gives very little – they are not loving you. If someone expects you to do things for them - they are not loving you. If they don't love you, why do you want to stay with them? Even if you do love, why would you stay with someone who doesn't love you?

Your decision to stay with someone who doesn't love you will bring only abuse and exploitation, especially if you love and they don't. A person who is exploiting others is downgrading very rapidly, so by staying with them under such conditions, you are causing harm to them too, not just to yourself. But let's look from another perspective – do you expect them to change? If you do, then there is not a lot of love from your side.

There is nothing wrong with drifting apart for a while if you need some time to realise what you want from life, and anyone who loves you will happily give you this time. If they don't, then they are simply needy, not loving. And if after drifting apart, you are happier, then stay that way, no matter what others say; your happiness is most important to you.

And also, you cannot make someone happy while not being happy yourself, so even if you think that somebody else's happiness is more important than yours, staying with them will not help to achieve it. But that's a discussion about love that again is much wider than today's topic. Let's go back to rudeness. So, clashes of opinions and rules are reasons why we call someone rude, no matter if the other party is bringing any rudeness into it or not. But that is just a gentle part.

The other part that I will cover now is usually met with much more violence and accusations. Nearly everyone of you attending this class today has something to hide from others, some things that you consider shameful or feel guilty about. You say, even to yourself, that it doesn't exist, and for your life, you will deny it if someone points it out. That "someone" would look to you like rudest person in the world.

Someone will simply state a truth, whether willingly or unwillingly, and if that truth is what your heart is hiding, you will take that person as rude at the mildest or for attacking you on stronger subjects. The more you want to hide this truth, the more offensive you will be to those who disclose it.

It can go to such a degree that you, on your own or in a group, would act very violently, anything from verbal abuse, such as calling someone rude or crude, to physical violence or even murder, towards someone who has spoken about something that you want to hide or believe is good to hide. However, the rule is unchangeable and straightforward: the one who says the truth is never rude, just as truth is never attacking. Any questions about that? No? Any objections?"

The whole class was sitting quietly, thinking deeply about what was just said.

"Can you give any examples?" – someone asked eventually.

"Examples? Apart from personal ones that cannot be named, there are plenty of everyday life examples affecting everyone: Let's say if someone refuses to accept a gift given, they are called rude. When actually it is a quality that should be looked up to and developed. By rejecting what is not needed, one saves a lot, even in physical matters. But understand that habits that are established affect all, not just a part of us.

So when you believe that refusing something given is bad, it will have the same effect in physical matters, in emotional, and in spiritual. If in the physical world you take everything offered, even if you don't like it, not daring to say "no, I don't need it," then you will also accept from others all emotional crap addressed to you, and also will make yourself obliged to accept from others beliefs that you don't like.

By doing so, you are causing extraordinary damage to yourself and to those who give you these so-called gifts. When by refusing them you would save yourself and others from lots of trouble that will be faced in the future, whether in this world or in the afterworld.

Other mass examples: saying thank you as a standard for things done; trying to smile when you are sad; cheering someone up when they feel down; doing things for others when they cannot do it themselves; feeling sorry for others; not mentioning something others don't want to hear."

"But all these are good things!"

"What to hide there?"

"How can it be wrong?" – a lot of murmurs could be heard in response to Rainee's statement.