Chương 72: Book 3; Chapter 71; Disappointed again

Anniet woke up to the bright sun shining on her face. At first, she didn't know where she was, but the bed was so soft that she didn't even want to open her eyes. Then memories started to come back, and she slowly peeked through half-open eyes to look around. She was alone in the room. Her body was so sluggish and lazy, as if she had been labouring for a week. That's right, she had that fever yesterday, now she remembered it clearly. She had such weird dreams, too…

Anniet slowly turned her head to see what she was lying on, but it was just a regular pillow and not a phantom or ghost dressed in a black suit. She slowly touched around herself under the duvet to see if she was still wrapped in that soft and fluffy blanket that kept her so warm, but there was no blanket. So it was a dream after all, she thought with relief. But such a nice dream. Then why had the thought that it could have been reality frightened her? Really strange. She will have to speak with Blake.

Things can not continue like this. It doesn't matter what he will think, and it doesn't matter if he already know. She will feel much better after telling him how she really feels, otherwise, their friendship might take an awkward turn if she is always radiating love and affection towards him when all he wants is just to have a friend.

If that is the case, she will just explain herself and tell him that she is happy to have his friendship and will ask him not to be startled by these flashes of affection that flare up from time to time. Anniet pulled her arm from under the duvet and froze at the sight of a black satin sleeve on it. She slowly lifted the duvet and then put it down again. Then lifted it again. She was wearing Blake's shirt! There was no doubt about it. How and why were the questions she could not answer.

At that moment, a noise from the next room drew her attention. She listened carefully, and there could be no doubt: someone was in the next room, and the smell of cooking was entering from there. Someone was cooking! Anniet knew only one person who would cook around her... She sat up in the bed. The thought of going and telling that person how she feels about him suddenly became unrealistic. Was that not a dream, then? She stood up and stayed in the middle of the room for some time, not daring to make a move.

What if it really wasn't a dream? What should she do? What should she say? She looked in the mirror on a wall just to see her scared little self dressed in this black satin shirt that was way too big for her and covered her legs nearly down to the knees. The sounds in the kitchen were getting noisier, and Anniet could not ignore them any longer. She tiptoed to the door and very silently opened it to have a look. What she saw brought her great relief. It was Old John showing his best efforts in the kitchen.

"It has been a second time that seeing me brought disappointment to you," he said, smiling and looking towards her.

"But don't stand there with your bare feet, just because you feel a little better. Come and get yourself comfortable on a couch or get back into bed." Disappointed… Yes, he was right, she does feel very disappointed. And here she thought she was feeling relieved. Anniet looked for her clothes, but then touched the sleeve of the silky shirt she was wearing right now and changed her mind. So she took the blanket from an armchair, wrapped it around her shoulders, and came into the lounge.

She didn't know what to say or what to do, so she just silently walked to the couch and sat in a corner, watching Old John with wide-open eyes. She wasn't really afraid of him, but it was also a little bit scary to have a stranger in her room. Old John didn't say anything, just brought a cup with a hot drink and handed it to her. Seeing that Anniet was hesitant, he encouraged her:"It's OK, it is not too hot, so you will not burn yourself." Anniet quickly took the cup.

Burning herself wasn't on her mind, and she also didn't want to insult anybody. But despite all, she heard herself speaking.

"Why are you here?" Gosh… She really was not considerate of others. It was obvious that he was taking care of her: the drink in her hands smelled like a remedy, and her stomach was making strange noises at the smell of cooked food. But still, this question was playing in her head all the time.

"Straightforward as always," John smiled and walked back to the kitchen.

"That's a very good quality you have. And your questions are always right on target. There are many answers to this question, but if I were to say that your friend asked me to come and look after you until you get better, would it satisfy you?"

"Rainee?" Anniet asked, feeling how involuntarily this name brought a smile to her face.

"Yes," John said.

"Was she here?"

"Yes, she was," John confirmed.

"Was it she who put this shirt on me?" Anniet asked carefully.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because she thought that it would give you the comfort you need right now." Anniet was left speechless and didn't say anything, but lifted the cup to her mouth. Surprisingly, it tasted very nice despite obviously being a medicine. She didn't know what Rainee meant by saying it would give her comfort, but it definitely worked, as it felt very nice and smooth to the skin, but that was the least important. It truly made her feel as if she was not alone right now.

It felt somehow awfully familiar, as the blanket she was snuggling into right now was too much like the one that was wrapped around her shaking body yesterday.

"Was he here too?" she finally asked, not knowing whether it was better to know or not to know.

"That I could only guess," Old John said, bringing a plate with hot food for her.

"But I don't see him leaving without coming to see you, especially when you were not feeling that well. So if I ought to answer then, without even knowing it, I would say yes, he definitely was here too."

"Leaving?" That was all Anniet picked up from what was said.

"He left?" Old John didn't answer, as there was not much to say; he had already said that Blake left." He is definitely a lot like Rainee," Anniet smiled to herself.

"Did he go far?" If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

"Yes," John confirmed that, "across the ocean."

"For how long?"

"That I cannot tell you, as no one but King knows it."

"And Rainee?"

"Rainee too."

"So both of them go there..."

"All three," Old John corrected.

"All three?" Anniet didn't understand.

"General Ragnar went too."

"…….." Anniet sat quietly for a while. Just yesterday, they were camping and riding together, and now only she was left here.

"So what now?" she asked in a little bit of a lost voice.

"Now? Now, you get better and then look around. This place is going to be your new home for the foreseeable future, after all."

"And you?" she asked. Surely he cannot just stay around all the time.

"I? I will help you to get better and show you around as much as you will allow me." So she wasn't right after all. He is going to stay around.

"Do you know what happened to me?" Anniet asked.

"I was all good yesterday, and I swear I was going to take a rest. I didn't lie."

"Swearing is a very bad habit, so it's better not to keep it. Those who believe you will trust your word alone; those who don't will still be in doubt, even if you swear. You'd better put it in the "not needed" or even "harmful" box, as swearing usually just puts restrictions upon the person who has sworn. I do know what happened, but I presume you want to know it too. To pass on information is a slightly more difficult task than just knowing.

It is not possible to pass by words all that I know, so you will receive just a small, incomplete amount, even if I say." Anniet smiled to herself again. The more he spoke, the less guarded she felt around him.

"You really sound a lot like Rainee," she said aloud.

"It is probably the opposite, as you were her teacher; probably she is a lot like you, but for me, it doesn't feel that way, as I met her first. I would like to know that little bit that you can tell me." She is not going to make the same mistake twice. Rainee already corrected her once that what is little to Old John might be an ocean to her.

"There is no mystery about what is causing any illness, with no exceptions. Same as any other illness, this one was caused by an attack on yourself. I am sure that your teacher has already told you that many things can try to harm you, but only one will succeed."

"I attacked myself…" That was something Anniet didn't expect to hear. She nearly swore again that she didn't do it, but stopped just in time. But still, she could not agree with this statement.

"I didn't. I didn't do anything bad to myself. I was just sitting and thinking when I started to feel a bit dizzy."

"If all were just so straightforward, then we would not have sick people," John smiled." And in fact, it is straightforward once you see it, but until you do, it is not very easy to understand only from an explanation. What were you thinking about?"

"Many things," Anniet said aloud while thinking to herself.

"About what has happened, about what Rainee said before leaving; never before had she spoken to me like this. Also…" Anniet fell silent for a moment but then swallowed her pride and continued,"also about riding together with Blake, about how I felt while he was holding me, and also what it meant when he disclosed that it is possible for others to know how you feel and what you think."

"Leaving your friends aside, what else did you think about?" John asked.

"About how people were watching," Anniet said without hesitation.

"How everyone was looking, talking, and even pointing at me."

"And here you have your reasons. It tears you apart. You don't want to let go of either your beliefs or your desires, and they are pulling in opposite directions. For you to avoid falling sick over the same thing again, one has to leave you. Your beliefs are deeply rooted in you, and many things are built on them. Look at it like this: it is not you holding them, but they are holding you.

It is not entirely true, as this saying describes physical impossibility, but still, at your understanding level, this is the only description that I can use. So let's say they are deeply rooted and holding you. At the same time, you're holding onto what has become dear to you, something you want to have, the way you want to live. They both oppose and tear you apart, pulling you in opposite directions. If you keep both, you will get sick very often, every time this confrontation is triggered.

So to get better, one has to leave. Either you have to let go of what you hold dear and what you dream of having, or belief opposing it has to leave you. In other words, it has to be uprooted, and by doing so, everything that you have built on it during your life will be affected and messed up to the degree that if you choose to do so, you might think yourself to be a very bad, heartless, or inconsiderate person."

"Are you happy with where you stand?" Anniet said, remembering the question King kept asking during the inauguration.

"You are a very bright personality," John praised her.

"One day, when you stop being afraid and ashamed of it, you will understand it yourself. That is a very good question to ask yourself, as long as you are honest with the answers."

"I understand what I want, even though I am not happy with where I stand. But I don't understand what is holding me back, and even then, how could I escape if it is holding me?"

"Your biggest holdback is the opinions of others. The need for approval or at least the desire that there is no disapproval. You want to be allowed to do, allowed to be. Or at least left alone to your own devices, in other words, to be unnoticed, to be out of sight. The thought of people observing your actions, judging, criticising, and disapproving is unbearable to you.

You are desperately trying to find a way to appease their unhappiness, to find a way to please everyone, how to make them see and understand what your actions are built on, to show that it is something that they would understand, agree with, and approve. It is not even a fear of confrontation, as you would be able to do it with ease as long as you have firm ground under your feet.

But unfortunately, this ground is based on the opinions of others, and little depends on you, as everyone is entitled to have their own opinions, and you are powerless to change them, no matter what you do." He made a short pause before continuing.

"You cannot keep it while reaching for what you desire. People will never approve. And there is nothing you can do to change it. You will die from exhaustion if you try before reaching this goal."

"Why?" Anniet asked quietly, feeling the very same feeling from yesterday creeping over her again. Was she really so hopeless…

"Because it is not for them to approve. You are asking from them something that doesn't belong to them. They think it does, and you wholeheartedly agree. They are expressing their rights, and you hand them over to them. Throughout your life, you learned that what others think is right and what you think is of lesser importance unless approved, or has no importance at all if criticised or disapproved.

You desire to live your life as you want, and you also desire approval to do so from those who have nothing to do with it, but believe they do. Two desires fighting against each other, and you are in the middle. One of these desires has to go, as they are opposing each other. While both are active, you will get nothing, you will go nowhere, and you will be constantly torn apart: feeling guilty, ashamed, and unfulfilled at the minimum, or sick and crippled when things escalate.

Believing that you should be doing the right thing is a holding power. But this belief is based just on multiple opinions that were sold to you as truth. It is difficult for you to leave them behind, as no one else wants to do so, and your desire is for others to approve, for others to agree.

You want something, but you are afraid to stretch your arm and take it, as you know that if you succeed, there will be a lot of disagreement, and if you do not, everyone will know that you tried and will judge and criticise and even laugh. If you seek what you want, there is nothing you can do to avoid criticism, disapproval, condemnation, and many other things you have learned to avoid at any cost. The only way for you to avoid it is to let go of what you desire.

That would fulfil your other desire, the desire to be unnoticed. In the situation you are now in, you cannot have them both. You seek something that many believe belongs to them. That's why saying that it is holding you is incorrect, as after all twists and turns, it is still you holding it. Freedom and imprisonment don't come together; to maintain one, you have to lose the other."

Old John spoke slowly and with pauses for her to hear his words, and would move to another phrase only after she understood what he said earlier.

"Is that why it is so difficult to help people? No matter what you do, they will feel like they are losing something," Anniet asked finally. Now she knew very well what desire she was going to keep and what would have to go. How to do it was a completely different question.

"When you try to help someone who doesn't look for help, it will always feel like interference to them. Because a desire that is leading to doom is still a desire, and they will fight to keep it, expecting miracles to happen, not realising that the true miracle is the offered way out."

"How do you know this much?"

"I lived for a very long time, so I learned a lot."

"How long have you lived?"

"That is something I don't remember."

"When were you born?"

"That is something I don't remember either."

"Are you older than King?"

"I remember holding him as a baby in my arms."

"But King lives forever!"

"King lives for hardly a millennium. That is much shorter than forever."

"I see…" Anniet was looking now at the person sitting in front of her with entirely different eyes.

"Yes, you are right, he doesn't even look that old. In fact, he doesn't look old at all. Why are you old?" For a minute, she got afraid that what she said might be offensive, but again, why should it be, as his name was Old John, not just John.

"I am afraid I don't know it either," he said with a smile.

"I presume I look the way I allow myself to look."

"Why are old people not pretty?" Anniet asked again. For some time, she was trying to see him as a handsome man, no matter how old, but it was difficult. She remembered very well how she felt about failing to see how beautiful the headmaster was, only because she looked older. Now she was trying not to miss it, but it didn't work. Just after speaking aloud, she realised what she had said. But luckily, Old John answered before fear got a firm grip on her.

"It is an excellent observation," he said.

"You should be proud of such observations instead of shrinking from them. Beauty of the human doesn't come from the physical body; it comes from the soul. The physical body becomes old when the connection to the soul through life becomes scarce. When it happens, it is not easy to see true beauty."

"Headmaster became young and beautiful again," Anniet said, relaxing once more.

"I think King did it."

"I think so too."

"Then why doesn't he do it for everyone? Why doesn't he do it for you?"

"It is very rare to find a person whose appearance wouldn't match their inner state. You could say the headmaster was an exception. And even then, she had to make some personal choices, some inner shift, to receive and accept help like this. King is strong, but a human soul, even in its weakest state, is still stronger. If King were to make somebody's body young again, the soul of the person would overpower it, and it would get back to what it was very fast.

People don't understand what the soul is and think it has something to do with the mind. Then they think that they want to get younger again and believe it is what they want. However, true wishes come from the soul. For someone to become old, one has to become very detuned from their soul, so they are simply incapable of feeling it. They think instead and make wishes instead of feeling what they truly want.

The body reacts to both the soul and the mind, but the soul has the upper hand, no matter how much it is suppressed. It cannot be any other way. If the mind disconnects from the body, the body doesn't die; if the soul disconnects from the body, it dies. If old people could feel how tired their souls are, they would understand why their bodies are withering away."

"Is your soul tired?" Anniet wondered.

"It must be," Old John smiled again.

"You don't look tired."

"I am old, so my connection to my soul must be very poor, but my mind and my will must be very strong; that's why I keep living." It was so interesting to listen to such things!

"You know so much!" Anniet said with amazement.

"Do you know all? I mean about others. Since obviously you don't know much about yourself."

"I doubt it," John said, "but you can try me," he added, winking at her.

"You would tell me?" Anniet looked at him while sinking down into her blanket with anticipation.

"I would."

"Anything?"

"Anything I know and have permission to say."

"Would you tell me how Blake and Rainee met?" There were various speculations about it, but no one knew for sure.

"Under one condition," he said in a very serious voice.

"Yes," Anniet said, listening attentively. There probably was some sort of secret. Rainee told her many times that there is no such thing as secrets… But still, she was happy to fulfil the conditions required just to find out about it.

"If you finish your drink and eat your food," Old John laughed.

"But I presume that is two conditions…" Anniet laughed too. She quickly drained the cup and picked her plate off the table, ready to listen.

"OK then, where should I start?"

"At the very beginning," Anniet said eagerly.

"Uh, that's a tough request, as the journey of life has many beginnings but does not have an end. It is like a river; it might start with one little stream, and we can call it a birth. But for it to become a proper river, countless streams have to join it, countless events that make somebody's life interesting and unique. So let's trace the stream that you requested at its very beginning."