Chương 31: Book 1; Chapter 30; Kind or Unkind

It was obvious that Rainee was thinking hard. This request must have caught her off guard. She finally answered:"As a teller, as a teacher, or as a friend, I don't see a possible positive outcome of bringing you face to face with your faults and weaknesses, as they are very much mixed with your strengths and credits. To bring it up as a problem would mean to criticise your strongest points.

Being a teller doesn't make one supreme in any way; it just indicates that I am capable of seeing what my words would bring to someone I speak to – benefit or harm. It doesn't provide me with a way to be only beneficial. I am afraid I cannot fulfil your request as it will not bring any good into your life, but will just disturb it further." After that, everyone was prepared for another argument between Marcus and Rainee. But instead, Marcus continued in his calm and peaceful tone.

"Isn't it "knowing better for others"?"

"I would say it falls under the "knowing better than others" category."

"But the future cannot be certain for sure."

"Sometimes it is very close to certainty."

"But still only close. Shouldn't it be for me to decide what is best for me?"

"Very well," – Rainee said after a short pause. – "By this day, there are many reasons for this outcome. Still, they are pointless to mention, as when one is removed, others will take its place as they are generated from just very few primary reasons, of which the most important are that you are much stronger than anyone else, and you don't cry."

". ……????? ……" – That caught everyone off guard, not only Marcus. Only one person was laughing silently, but so quietly that only Anniet could hear him. Anniet nudged Anthony to stop it.

"Well said," – he backed up Rainee, but again in a very low voice that only Anniet could hear, and only because she was sitting very close.

"Sorry, I didn't understand," – Marcus said honestly.

"Which part?"

"The second, about crying."

"First one about being stronger than others didn't bring any questions?"

"No, I am fine with that one."

"OK," – Rainee didn't argue. – "I am saying that because you don't cry, you are sad, and because you are sad, people are afraid of you."

"…. That doesn't make any sense…. How can someone be afraid of a sad person?"

"Sadness comes together with pain, and you can choose one or another. If you choose to feel sadness, then it leaves; if you choose to ignore it, then it stays, and pain will follow to join it. Anger doesn't build without sadness. If there is no sadness or pain, anger doesn't have a foothold and cannot sustain itself, nor can it even appear. Inside every angry person is unfelt sadness and pain. People are not afraid of those who are not angry.

So people are not afraid of those who are not sad and of those who are not in pain. You try to be someone who allows himself to feel and express his feelings. But you don't. You try to conquer your anger by ignoring it or fighting it, but it is impossible while sadness exists in you. So you cannot be the person you want to be until the day you allow yourself to feel your pain, to feel your sadness, and to feel how angry you are with those who have caused it, who have demanded you to be strong.

Until that day, you will be who you are, but not what you want to be."

"Are you telling me I have to start crying?"

"I am saying to start seeing yourself for what you are and love yourself as you are."

"What if I don't like who I am?"

"Too bad, as I like that person a lot. And you would like him too if you only allow yourself to look at it. If you don't like yourself, then you cannot appreciate or value your strong points. All you can do is give all your energy and time to the image that others want to see, and you join them, abandoning yourself. It is not even a pretend self, as your true self is too strong to hide under such a weak pretence.

It is just an imaginary image of what pretence would be if it were to become strong enough to hide you under. Hope it will never happen."

"So if I start crying, will it help me?"

"No."

"No?! Didn't you just say yourself that the reason I cannot progress is because I don't cry?"

"Now you would cry out of anger about not being able to break yourself down to become what you are trying to shape yourself into."

"Is that bad?"

"Yes, because you are much grander than you want to make yourself to be. Crying about that will just confuse you even more. You would cry about how bad your true self is, and it will distance you even more from yourself. You might even cry about how unfair people are, but only because they don't appreciate the effort you put in."

"Isn't that what you meant?"

"No! What I meant never found a way into your heart, as you are not open to hearing it. Instead of hearing, you just listen and try to work out what I am talking about from what you already know, by looking at it from different angles. Well, it will not help, as you already know all of it. The day you will be ready to hear things that I am telling you, it will come as a completely new understanding, and there will be no need to try to understand it – you will simply do.

Until then, anything that is said will just distract you from seeking that passage, that doorway that would set you free."

"Is that why I am not accepted in the King's army?"

"Yes. The King's army is not to spread fear. On the contrary, it is to bring safety and trust in people's lives."

"Are people really that scared of me? I never did any harm!"

"Is there anyone who is scared of Marcus, if not all the time, then at least sometimes?" Everybody's hand shot up in the air. Marcus was left speechless for a while.

"Why?" – That was all he could ask.

"Intimidating," – Anniet said aloud, just then realising that she actually spoke, not just thought. You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

"Intimidating? The Dark General is the most intimidating person in the whole world, and he is leading the King's army!"

"General Blake loves and is proud of who he is." – Rainee said. – "He doesn't try to pretend to be someone else. The day when you love who you are, people will love you too, no matter if you are intimidating or not. And I can reassure you that you will hardly find a place safer and more secure than at General Blake's side. Unless you are the one who stirred the problem, and he came to clean it up.

Even then, your fears will be only about all you have done and how to make sure it doesn't surface, not about what he would do. But there is no reason to fear that, as when he comes, it will surface no matter how deeply it is hidden."

"So you have met him?"

"Yes. It is hard to be in the King's army or the King's academy and not meet him, as he has dedicated his life to it. And to helping people."

"I help people too!"

"I know."

"But somehow it doesn't count as everyone forgets about it…"

"Is there anyone whom Marcus has helped?" – Rainee asked again. Again, the majority of hands came up.

"As you can see, it is not forgotten," – Rainee suggested.

"I don't understand then how anyone can be afraid of me," – the usual tantrum started to break out through Marcus's calmness – "did I ever abuse anyone?"

"Is there anyone abused by Marcus?" – Rainee asked. This time, not a single hand came up.

"Apparently not," – Rainee smiled at him.

"It makes no sense," – Marcus said more to himself than to anyone else.

"Would there be anyone recently helped by Marcus who would be kind, honest, and brave enough to tell Marcus how it felt to be helped by him?" There was a very long silence when nobody spoke.

"I will," – one young girl broke this silence. – "I don't think I need to say how he helped me." That was true. Everyone knew the incident just a few days ago when this girl nearly drowned and was saved by Marcus.

"I will not go into details, but after all was over, I felt so guilty for falling into the water, especially after he said to be more careful and not to take risks any more, that I truly wished that someone else had saved me." Marcus looked at her in disbelief, then looked around, and seemingly everyone else understood what was said, but this understanding eluded him.

"I truly find it difficult to understand," – Anniet's voice sounded. She honestly couldn't grasp the meaning of what was said and couldn't keep quiet any longer.

"How can someone be picky about who and how they are saved? Or even what is said after? When I wanted to go swimming in a river, everyone told me that they wouldn't be willing to risk their lives to save me if something bad happened. So I never did. Why would I expect anyone to risk their lives for me?"

"Did you genuinely believe they wouldn't save you if you got in trouble?" – Someone laughed at what she said.

"I did," – Anniet confirmed, confused about the nature of this question. – "Why wouldn't I? Everyone has only one life; why would they be willing to use it on me? If something bad could happen to me, the same could happen to them while trying to save me. And they would die or get injured, not because they wanted to have fun, not because they were not careful enough, but because I did it. I wish that, at that time, I had a friend caring enough to help me if I needed it.

Other people did; they had friends and families that were looking after them, and they could swim, dive, and have fun. But I didn't have such good friends, and it never even came to my head that someone who doesn't even know me that well would come to my aid, even when those whom I know said they wouldn't."

"What a unkind people you have grown up with?!" – others couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"How are they unkind?" – Anniet couldn't understand. – "They told me not to take risks, as they would not be willing to come after me. How is it unkind? Why should they do it if they didn't want to? I think that it is a very kind thing to say, so that I would know. I think it would be unkind for them to let me go for a swim without knowing that no one wants to risk themselves to save me if needed.

I don't understand how it is unkind to tell someone not to take risks if they are not willing to risk their lives to bail you out if something happens. And how is it unkind not to want to risk your own life for someone else? I think, on the contrary, it is very kind. Why should it be taken for granted that when you are not careful enough, others will come and save you? Wouldn't it mean that you can be careless all the time? Somehow, I don't believe that is why people are helping each other.

That this is the actual reason for help. I don't see how I could be picky about who is helping me. If more than one person is willing to do so, then I am really lucky, but I consider it to be a true blessing when there is at least someone. Of course, I would be feeling guilty. Why wouldn't I? I just made someone risk themselves because of my actions. But I also would be so grateful that this guilt would be the least important to me, and I wouldn't even be thinking about it.

Even if someone who just saved my life were shouting and cursing at me, how could it make me feel less grateful? Never mind advising me to be more careful in the future. I would gladly be more careful in the future, not to bring such risks to those who are coming to my aid." When she finished, the whole class was looking at her without saying a word. Even Anthony had opened his eyes, but luckily, in these eyes, there was not the questioning and disbelief like in everyone else's, but support and lots of kindness.

He smiled at her, encouraging, and Anniet's heart, which was already falling down in fear that she had said something wrong, returned to its place. As it was obvious that Anniet was not going to speak any more or explain herself further, and no one else knew what to say, all eyes landed on Rainee again, expecting an explanation.

Rainee thought intensely for a few seconds, choosing her words before speaking aloud:"The majority of society will expect to be helped, and some people pledge to these demands more than others, believing that to save others is their duty. The more someone believes that their duty is to save others, to help others, the more others will demand and expect it. Also, they themselves will not be capable of feeling grateful for others helping them. Why should they? They already believe that help is a duty.

Such beliefs create a vicious circle with seemingly no way out. Even the strongest person will succumb at some point under these demands. It has to. That's how the world is made to break people out of these circles, as no one is born to save others, no one is born to help others, no one is born to serve others. We are all given the ability to do so if we want it and when we want it, but not when others want it, and it is definitely not something we have to do even when we can.

That's how this extraordinary thing that one human can do to another is completely distorted and transformed into rules and duties. It is extremely difficult to want to do something when it is already expected of you, when you and others believe that it is something you must do, that it has become your duty only because you can do it. Then every goodwill, every effort made is overseen and taken for granted. When you do it out of duty, out of expectations, it's not help anymore – it's a harm.

To be able to be helpful while not harming ourselves or others, we have to be able to disconnect ourselves from these demands. To recognise where we are and where others are. What I am doing for myself and what for others. What are my wishes and what are the wishes of others, what are my wishes and what are my expectations of myself, and what are my expectations from others and what others expect from me. Just then, I can recognise what the expectations are and where they are coming from: me or others.

Who has been so unloving to me: myself or someone else. Only then can I be helpful, as I will be able to maintain myself and not get absorbed and dissolved into what others or even I myself expect that I should be doing. If it happens, there would be no "me" any more, just people using me and my abilities. If I stay myself, it would be me myself using my abilities, whether to help others or not to help if I choose so. When others are using me, I have no control over it and am at the mercy of others.

Those who truly care about me and understand me will never use me; those who use me either don't care or don't understand what they are doing and will definitely not understand my limits and will suck and drain me out without a single consideration until only a shell is left and then will expect to squeeze out something else and will let me be only when there will be reasons, understandable for them, why I cannot give anything any more. Reasons so obvious, like old age, or illnesses, or even death.

There is no joy, or satisfaction, or happiness in being used. And those are things that revitalise us, that bring back to us more energy than we use to do something. When I am using my abilities and my knowledge to help someone, it brings me joy and happiness, it brings me satisfaction and fulfilment. It brings me a desire to look forward to seeing what difference my efforts have made. When someone else is using me, all that it brings to me is tiredness, and all I am looking forward to is rest and being left alone.

Me, using myself, opens me up for life; me being used by others closes me down for death. Someone who understands the difference once will never mix these things again, neither in himself nor in others. One more important thing is to understand that the term "me" can be used only when I have at least some understanding about who I am. Otherwise, I am a stranger to myself and will join others to use and drain myself with better success than anyone else can achieve.

Very good observation, and I am happy that this subject, which is extremely difficult to bring in understandable examples, came out so naturally today. For those who didn't understand the difference, don't beat yourself, as only very few do; the willingness to see it will lead you to understanding. For those who grasp it at least a little bit – well done, you just touched on teachings that not everyone, after decades of training, can reach. I cannot think of a better place to finish today's class."