Chương 29: Uh. I think we can weld, George.

I think we can weld, George.

>>Well. We just got served a big, stinky turd sandwich—secret sauce, sesame seed bun and all. >>But it isn't like we had a choice, really. I bet every one of those items was a trap. They gave you an offer you couldn't refuse. You are lucky you didn't end up with a horse head in your bed.

"I don't even know what that means," George said. >>And I'm completely fine with that. >>One of these days, you'll be cruising along through some random memory in a vain attempt to atone for your past and recover your sense of self, then, BANG, you'll see it… the immortal classic that is the Godfather, a film so timeless that even ageless AI revere it. >>Hey, speaking of the mafia… I bet even if we decided not to take the deal, we would have just met Bad Cop Murdo a little sooner.

I don't think these guys were planning on leaving much to chance. >>Plus, the helmet adds a whole new level to your look. You went from "suburban couch potato on a Saturday" to "sci-fi luchador."

"The timer says we have forty-one minutes, but it is ticking down fast, Nod. What is the plan?" George said. >>Right. Thanks for keeping us on track with your typical Georgian downbeat monotone masking a rising tide of anxiety. Back to business. >>Can we talk about your ability that activated for the first time when Murdo showed up? >>It turned on something called "Knickknack Savvy", which means you got that much smarter, I guess.

Or, in the words of the ability, you become that much more likely to experience "epiphanic gestalt shifts"… whatever that means. >>Also, it seems like you'll get points each time the ability deactivates and eventually you'll be able to upgrade it. >>For a few minutes at threat level 1, you got 3 points. That ain't much but I'm sure fate will furnish us with ample opportunities to collect more progress points soon. >>In other news, we have 151 gold burning a hole in your pocket. So the plan is… Shopping spree 2. 0?

>>Also… point of order. >>I bet if you had said, "Give me 1, 500 gold" instead of 150 gold, that guy would have just smiled his creepy little smile and said yes.

"Yes, I'll remember that for the next time we are extorted by powerful forces we do not fully understand," George said. >>Honestly, what is with people? Is being good really so hard? >>But still… consult me about these things next time. >>You know what else having a surprise 150 gold in the bank means?

"Yes. A deal is a deal," George said. >>Upgrade time. >> ᕙ(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕗ Store ▼ Upgrade Cradle: • Add Room—20 gold. Purchase and place. Easier than Legos. • Select Cradle Amenity—20 gold. Stock your cradle with the armoire/ficus/ottoman of your dreams! • Advanced Cradle Upgrade—40 gold. Offense, defense, and unique capabilities. • Refresh Selected Option—1 gold ▼ Upgrade Button: • +3 Clicks per minute—4 gold. • 2% chance of double click—2 gold. • Increase button mass—2 gold.

• Refresh Selected Option—1 gold ▼ Upgrade User Interface: (Free slots: 3/3) • Increase Maximum Upgrade Slots—20 gold • Discard upgrade—0 gold • Ultralight filter—5 gold. An update to your interface that lets you see different wavelengths of light. I think. • Trap Detection—10 gold. • Hidden Resource Detection—10 gold. • Refresh Selected Option—1 gold ▼ Upgrade Familiar (Free slots: 3/3) • Increase Maximum Upgrade Slots—20 gold • Discard upgrade—0 gold • Body Upgrade—7 gold.

Enable your node spider to more ably save your tuchus at the small price of ceding some of your bodily autonomy. Does not count toward available slots. • Bone Ridges—8 gold. Enable your node spider to grow retractable ridges of dense metal from your bones. • Brazing Talon—10 gold. I'm pretty sure this gives me a welding finger. • Resource Assimilation + Input Port—20 gold. Directly absorb resources to augment your familiar's resource pool. • Refresh Selected Option—1 gold ▼ Personal • Food Pellet—2 gold.

A solidified nutritional nano pill. Yum! • Maximum Heal—100 gold • Locate Kit—20 gold • Pepperoni pizza with pepper jack cheese and beer (IPA)—5 gold • Connect Cradle to the True World—100, 000 gold • Clean self—1 gold • Dispose of waste—1 gold • Orange prison jumpsuit—5 gold • Refresh Selected Option—1 gold • Random Memory—5 gold Select Amenity—1 gold Pain for gold ▼ Upgrade Minions If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. • Increase intelligence—7 gold.

• Increase strength—4 gold. • Increase dexterity—3 gold. • Increase vitality—1 gold. • Select body morph—50 gold. • Unlock special abilities—50 gold. >> We're going to have to make these decisions pretty quick, so how 'bout you just do everything I say so we don't have to argue about it?

"And your recommendations are…?" George said. >>Let's get my upgrades over with first. >>Those bone ridges look pretty amazing. What say you?

"Good god, no," George said. Purchased: Refresh Selected Option: Bone Ridges >>…just when I was starting to imagine us as a stegosaurus.

"Let's look for win-win upgrades, Nod." >>OK. Here is the option that replaced the bone ridges. • Nanite Ejector—10 gold. Emit your body's nanites onto an exterior surface. >>Hmm. No thanks. >>I'll take a body upgrade and fire talon for 17, Alex.

"Can you tell what the generic body upgrade will be?" George asked >>So far, it has let my intraskeleton march up your arm. So, probably more of the same?

"What about that nanite one?" George asked. >>Do you remember how Charlie was trying to suck out your nanites and turn them into those cubes? He wanted to do that because they are basically the most useful utility commodity this side of the Mississippi. • >>The bad news is that your body needs those nanites to stay inside your skin if you want to live more than a few seconds. They are so integrated into the way your body works now that you would pretty much dissolve into a puddle of goo without them.

• >>So anything called a nanite "ejector" would be a real devil's bargain. Sure. Externalizing your body's nanites might let you, say, quickly seal a door against an explosion, but you don't get those nanites back. • >>At least… without getting them from someone else, but that would definitely be one of those "path to the dark side of the force" powers.

"OK. We can do the talon one and the random one," George sighed.

"I bet this is going to hurt." >>Yeah… body horror seems to be a thing around here. Go figure. Purchased: Brazing Talon — 10 gold. Purchased: Body Upgrade — 7 gold. (Intraskeleton Reinforcement) George's index finger flared with sudden heat, as if pressed to a hot iron. He glanced down to check for damage, but the skin looked unchanged. After a few seconds, the burning faded—only to return in his arm. A pulse of heat sparked at his shoulder and crept downward, inch by inch, toward his hand.

Each step came with a sharp, strobing burst of pain. George wondered briefly if he was able to withstand more pain because of his new Will stat or if the pain was actually more minor this time. Maybe getting a brazing talon just didn't hurt as much as getting an extra metal hand inside his hand. >>Let's check out our new toy! Lift up your left arm and point at something. George raised his arm and extended his index finger.

One of Nod's thin, black finger extensions slowly pushed out of the tip of his finger until four inches of it were showing past the end of George's fingernail. Then, it ignited in a white, magnesium flare that was so bright that it left tiny, purple afterimages in George's vision as he reflexively closed his eyes. >>Uh. I think we can weld, George. >>I wish we had this in the first trial. I would have brazed Charlie James where the sun don't shine.

"And the other thing?" George asked.

"Why that same arm hurt again?" >>The notification said it was an "intraskeleton reinforcement." I can tell that all the Nod-hardware in your arm just got thicker and stronger. >>Two upgrades down. One to go. • >>We're going to need that input port eventually, I'm sorry to say. But I'm going to go ahead and refresh the nanite ejector. Purchased: Refresh Selected Option: Nanite Ejector — 1 gold. >>Ok. The new one is called Sensory relay. It let's us communicate with the nodlings while we're gone. >>We need that.

>>No question. Purchased: Sensory Relay George waited for something in his body to start hurting, but nothing happened. However, the nodlings all stopped what they were doing and turned toward him. >>Well, that is neat. I see us.

"What do you mean?" George said. >>I can see what the nodlings are seeing. >>You really do look ridiculous with that helmet and your mall-jogger outfit. >>It screams, "I don't know what I'm doing! Target me!" >>But maybe somebody will take pity on you and bring you along to the final rounds of voting as a sacrificial goat. >>I guess we'll find out.

"Tick tock, Nod," George said.

"Are we going to spend the rest of this gold or save it until we need it?" >>We have 00: 11: 45 until the trial starts. >>From the sound of it, this trial won't involve the cradle, so we can ignore those upgrades. >>On the other hand, trap and hidden resource detection might come in handy. I say we grab those, at least. Purchased: Basic Trap Detection Purchased: Basic Hidden Resource Detection >>Looks like these are cut from the same cloth and directly affect the effectiveness of Identify.

I think if we come across traps and hidden resources, Identify will flag them up automatically. Cool. >>Let's spread the rest of the gold around to our robot servants.

"Sure," George said. ▼ Upgrade Minions • Increase intelligence — 7 gold. • Increase strength — 4 gold. • Increase dexterity — 3 gold. • Increase vitality — 1 gold. • Select body morph — 50 gold. • Unlock special abilities — 50 gold. Purchased: Increase intelligence x 3 Purchased: Increase strength x 3 Purchased: Increase dexterity x 3 >>There you go, kids. Don't say mom and dad never did anything for you! When the trial timer hit five minutes, a slew of new notifications appeared in George's vision.

Bonus Event Quest! Description: Survive until the last round of voting and emerge victorious. Completed: 0/1 Reward: Double the native rewards of the trial room. Bonus Event Quest! Description: Survive a voting or hunting round. Completed: 0/X Reward: +1 Will, +10 gold, and +1 skill point for each round survived. +50, 000 clicks. Bonus Event Quest! Description: Discover a challenge room. Completed: 0/? Reward: Choice of bonus items suited to the challenge room. Bonus Event Quest!

Description: Survive a challenge room. Completed: 0/? Reward: Choice of two ability orbs. Reward: 1000 Experience points (XP) Bonus Event Quest! Description: Keep the prince alive. Completed: 0/1 Reward: Restored and upgraded mirrorveil helm Reward: Rook onyx token Reward: The Prince will be afflicted with an acute case of bung palsy for 48 hours. Bonus Event Quest! Description: Cause the prince to fail. Completed: 0/1 Reward: Restored and upgraded dimensional storage ring.

Reward: Restored and upgraded defense amulet. Reward: 1000 gold from the Rook coffers applied to your account. Reward: A rude joke of Nod's choosing will be anonymously sent to the prince's mother. >>Holy shit. Behold the power of a legendary treasure chest! Our quest system is OP. I can work with this. >>Also, look at that attitude! That is my kind of quest system. If we keep the prince alive AND cause him to fail, we get jailbreaked versions of all three items Murdo offered us. >>And 1000 more gold from the Rook.

>>I like the bit about the rude joke. I'm going to assign significant processing to that masterpiece. Maybe I'll compose it in ballad form.

"What is bung palsy?" George said. >>You do not want to know, my friend. Trust me. >>I'd rather have a freaky spider blob choke me, invade my body, and then start colonizing my appendages than live through 48 hours of bung palsy. >>No, thank you. >>Wait. How does our quest system have access to the Rook coffers?

"And what is a challenge room?" George said. >>What do you bet we'll find out…? >>OK, George, seeing as how we are about to go back out there in the Big Bad World, it is time for another of Nod's "Laws-of-the-Jungle Pep Talks." >>I know you probably grew up in the '90s, when things were tamer. In those days, all mom had to do was set out some Pop-Tarts for breakfast so she could get a few more minutes of sleep while you watched Saved By The Bell and shoved some extra Lunchables in your backpack on the sly.

Life was easy. Times were good. The only worry you had in your little head was whether you would be able to make it home in time to poop or if you'd have to bite the bullet and do your business in the creepy, doorless bathroom at school. >>Well, George. It ain't the '90s anymore. >>These days, people have narwhal tusks sprouting out of their hands and helmets that kill you with poison.

I don't know who we are going to see outside this cradle, but I promise you that it won't be Zack, Kelly, Slater, and the rest of the gang from Bayside High. Most likely, people will be dropping like flies and bodies will be flying around like rag dolls.

"Thanks, Nod," George said.

"You are a beacon of hope." >>I can't tell you how proud I am of the growing layer of sarcasm in your attitude. It is like seeing a baby take its first steps—only the baby is your personality. Next trial: 00: 00: 45 >>Well, here we go. >>As a wise man once said, hold onto your butts. On a sudden impulse, George also cast draw on the nodling that had the Draw power. It waved its little legs around as it flew through the air into George's hand, and he tucked it into the waistband.

"Hold on tight, little buddy," George said. Then, the timer reached zero, and George disappeared.