Chương 70: George’s Run (V)

When George entered, Johnny looked up and waved at him. Unlike their first meeting, the room's walls were now completely bare. His storefront had changed. The kiosk was decorated with a tropical theme. The vertical posts were molded plastic made to look like palm tree trunks, and the small awning above him was woven from dried, crispy palm fronds. There were three boxes wrapped up like birthday presents sitting on the counter in front of Johnny.

One was wrapped in white paper that was covered in what looked like child's drawings of medical images, smiley faces, and bright red hearts. The middle box was wrapped in green paper with random images of tiny people, vehicles, and objects. The third box was purple and bore pictures of snakes in the shape of question marks and tiny images of cauldrons and potion vials. In the far wall, the portal to the next room was already active. The familiar white exit button was mounted beside it, just like in the other rooms.

>>Diminished Kiosk of Impromptu Getaway? >>Beats me. Johnny looked worse for wear. One sleeve of his black butler jacket was ripped and hung down toward the counter. His white shirt was mostly unbuttoned, and there was a large, wet stain on the front. A half-drunk bottle of whiskey lay open on the counter.

"Step up! Step up! Johnny Johnny's Diminished Kiosk of the Impromptu Getaway is always open for the star of the show, George Brandiss!" Johnny said. His speech seemed slightly slurred and one eye tracked to the side as he spoke. He raised the bottle of whiskey and tried to drink from it, but none of the whiskey actually went in his mouth. The liquor streamed down his chin and splattered onto the counter while Johnny's jaw worked up and down like he was swallowing it.

"Ignore the mess. I am recovering from a journey to the void between worlds." He burped.

"It is good to see you again."

"Uh. Hello again, Johnny," George said.

"What happened to you?" Johnny threw his head back and made the motions of laughter but no sound came out. He slowly lowered his head and looked at George with a big, exasperated smile.

"You happened to me, George. You and those damn kids." >>Nod, send the draw nodling to go scout out the next portal in case we need to make a hasty retreat. >>Yep. The nodling had latched itself onto George's leg as soon as George had come into the room. Now, it flew through the air and landed beside the wall next to the portal and then crawled through.

"I never should have let them into the armory. There are too many powerful objects in there," Johnny said, looking down at the counter.

"But the captain of the Trial Nine gets what he wants, doesn't he? He is what you might call a Significant Person. He has been sitting on top of a trial that somehow everyone has to undergo. He has been getting fat on all that experience for a long time.

"When he sent his two little shits down to the armory, I should have told them to get lost, but oh, no—you never cross the captain." He laughed and poured more whiskey down his chin. Drinking sounds came from his mouth but George was sure none of the liquid was actually getting inside past his wooden lips.

"Then, you showed up and somehow the Sibiliance got involved. That thing is creepy as hell, let me tell you. Rumor had it the captain didn't want it on his ship but he was forced to keep it. And he sent it down to the armory so that I would store it. No one knows how the kids were even able to see it, let alone—and this is the hilarious part—summon it by drone in order to give it to you.

There's been all kinds of speculation about how that happened, and anytime Cipher artifacts are involved, the speculation can get pretty far-fetched." >>The nodling reports that the next room is mostly empty. There are four inactive portals on the far wall. Each one has a sign over it that says either easy, medium, hard, or extremely hard. >>It isn't clear how you turn on the portals. Johnny went on.

"The captain was pretty pissed when he found out what happened. He takes a 'slash-and-burn' approach to risk management when something goes wrong, so basically everyone involved in that fiasco has mysteriously disappeared, including yours truly. I'm told there is a defense droid manning the armory store now. It has stronger defenses and security protocols, but it lacks my sparkling personality." Johnny went silent again and looked down at the counter.

The lapse went on so long, George thought he might have deactivated, but then he came to life again.

"The captain ordered an injunction against me and I was sent out into the Ink. Do you know what that means, George?" When he looked back up at George, both of his eyes had rolled back into his head and George could only see blank, black circles where his painted irises had been.

"It is cold in the Ink. And empty. Only… not empty."

"So, there I was, contemplating the meaninglessness of existence and trying not to disamalgamate into the broader nothing—when there was a spark. A query I made to the AI landed just as a brand-new, unique-class challenge room was being created—for you, George. I reeled myself in and built this little storefront. It isn't much," Johnny reached up to the awning and broke off the tip of one of the dry palm fronds that made up the awning.

"But it is all I could do in a pinch."

"So thanks! I guess I owe you one!" Johnny's expression brightened and his eyes rolled back to their normal position.

"On to business! You have a challenge room to complete and a little girl to save, after all." That surprised George.

"How do you know about that?" he said.

"This challenge room was created for you, George. There is all sorts of metadata about you floating around in here for the taking—all to better serve you, of course. Your secrets are like confetti in a parade, and Johnny Johnny has got both hands out to catch whatever he can.

"I know about Nod. I know about Cassie and Max. I know the exact nature of each of your quest items and which are going to disappear next. I know the contents of every scenario room ahead of you and I have optimal strategies for passing them. I also happen to know that a doozy of an ability is waiting for you if you can make it to the 75 th room." He smiled and said, "But there isn't much likelihood of that happening, let's be honest."

>>I'd like to see the privacy policy in those challenge room terms and conditions… If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it. He sat up straight and opened his arms.

"As your storefront liaison in this bonus prize room, I'm empowered to offer you one of three prize boxes. Would you like to learn what is inside them?" Johnny waved his hands over the three boxes in front of him. George nodded, but his mind was still reeling from everything Johnny had just revealed. Johnny lifted the white box with the medical images on it and shook it a bit. The sound of fragile, small things bouncing into one another came from inside.

"I used to have plasma rifles, George. I used to sell potions that let you see the future. I used to have rare excretions from dimensional slime molds. Now, I have three boxes." He seemed to deflate.

"Anyway…Here is box number one. It contains a handful of items you might find useful in accomplishing your short-term goals when you emerge from this challenge room.

"Among its contents are a Super Deluxe Wakey Wakey ability orb, an artifact with one of the most powerful healing effects in this trial. It also has three teleport tokens that can be used by you or given to a friend. It has a one-time-use, semi-sentient assassin drone equipped with a range of poisons that has a cloaking feature and can target enemies on command." Johnny set the box down and shrugged.

"It has a few other doodads and knicknacks you might find useful, too, but I find them pretty boring so I'll let them be a surprise." He picked up the middle box with the pictures of tiny people and vehicles on it. George leaned in and saw that one of the figures was a man in armor with a giant silver hand. Another was a metallic dog with spikes coming on its back. There was also a tiny humanoid figure holding a giant axe, a black grenade, and the dolphin jet ski with a trailer attached to it. >>Oh, cute.

Those are your quest items. >>Look, there is a little George with four arms.

"And if you choose this box," Johnny said, "You will get to select THREE items from your quest power's item list instead of the normal amount—a rare boon, as I'm sure you can imagine." He set the middle box down and waved at the third box—the one with the cauldrons and snakes in the shape of question marks on it.

"And I'm not allowed to tell you about that third one. It is a mystery box. I can tell you that it is either exponentially better than the other two options or a total dud. Or you get stabbed with a spike trap when you open it. Those are the three outcomes, and—would you believe this—not even I know which one is actually going to happen!

"Isn't mystery exciting? This reminds me of that time when you had to spin that wheel and I almost got to put an alien parasite inside you. That… would have been interesting to watch." >>There's that familiar "I-might-sell-you-something-or-sacrifice-you-to-an-eldritch-god" energy. >>Just when you were beginning to think some time in the Ink may have had a maturing influence on him… he goes and gets all weird again.

>>There is no way I am going to pick that last box, not with a healing potion for Cassie on the line and teleport tokens for Max available. >>Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you go doing anything rash, let's talk this through. >>I think we can forgo the snake oil box. I'm with you there. >>However, the best pick is definitely the box that lets you choose three quest items. It's obvious.

>>I can get my infrastructure upgrade, you can get a few extra arms, and then we can do bubblegum bubblegum to see who gets the last pick. >>My goals in this challenge room are to find a way to save Cassie. And to get Max out of danger. The first box has a healing orb and teleport tokens. I may not get another opportunity like this. >>We could take this box and hit the exit button right now. I could give Cassie the healing orb and teleport her away. Then, do the same to Max. Then, use the third one myself.

>>Jesus Christ, George. >>Get real. >>If you press that button right now, Cassie is as good as dead. >>Then you are kicked out of the game and no one is around to save Max. >>Maybe you forgot the circumstances we left behind when the concepts froze the world. >>I don't forget anything, so let me paint a picture for you. >>Pine is set up in his sniper nest.

His goal is to kill everyone in the room, then jump down and loot their corpses so that he can show up in the voting room on top of the leaderboard because of his Murderhobo ability. >>TLX is raining death down on his enemies and frenemies alike. >>The voidling and the gnacker are on the loose. >>The room is filling with poisonous black smoke. >>And, last but not least, a giant maniac that just stabbed himself with something called a Body Knitter shard fragment is coming right for you with murder on his mind.

>>If we don't return to that room with a more solid plan than "toss Cassie a healing orb and teleport away," your time in this trial is going to come to an abrupt end seconds after you step back through that portal. >>Do you get that?

"I can see that you are deliberating with your node spider," Johnny said.

"I also suspect that you were tempted to choose the box which will most directly help you save your child and your young friend. I would advise against it."

"Why?" George said. Johnny was silent for a moment. Then, he cleared his throat and looked pointedly at George's pocket.

"What?" George said. Johnny raised one painted eyebrow and glanced at George's pocket again. >>Oh. He wants you to bribe him. >>This guy is ridiculous. >Bribe him? With what? >>Just give the dummy a prestige token. George withdrew a prestige token and set it on the counter in front of Johnny. Johnny cleared his throat again and maintained a neutral expression. George placed another prestige token beside the first.

Johnny rolled his eyes and produced a longsuffering sigh but the tokens disappeared and Johnny said, "The box with the ability orb and teleport tokens is a blunt instrument. It will help you achieve your immediate goals, but it won't help you grow—and growing is why we are all here, isn't it?"

"I'm not here to grow. I'm here to find my children," George said.

"And to remember who I am."

"You don't need this box to save Cassie and Max—to say nothing of beating Hollywood. You already came into this challenge room with everything you need to accomplish those goals."

"What are you talking about?" George said.

"It is simple," Johnny said.

"I'm surprised your node spider hasn't put it together already." >>Nod, what is he talking about? >>I have no idea. >>We already tried to use Jellybean to ram one monster, and we both remember how that went. >>Ummm. We could throw Jellybean-in-keychain-form into Hollywood's mouth and then expand it…? >>Oh, actually, we should try that on the dragon next time. That's a great idea. >>Honestly, I don't know what he's talking about. I'll think about it.

"I'm not going to spell it out for you. Where is the fun in that? However, I will say that if you reflect on our conversation, you may find there was a stray clue or two hidden inside it." Johnny smiled and pulled the first box away from George and said, "Besides, George, a healing orb for Cassie isn't going to help you kill that dragon again. If you really want to save your kids, you'll likely need to kill it several more times." He pushed the middle box toward George. >>Do it! >>Come on! It'll be fun.

Look what we've been able to do with the light grapple. Now we get to choose three more quest items. >>Seriously, if Johnny isn't just bullshitting us about already having what we need to sort Cassie out, I'll figure it out. Just give me some time. >>I'm not choosing the intraskeleton one. >>And all three picks are mine. >>Yeah, fine. Whatever. >>… >>I'll just take revenge by saying mean things about you in our memoir as I bemoan my lot in life. George picked up the middle box and then it disappeared with a pop.

"Where did it go?" George said.

"Oh, yeah. You only get to open it after your next death," Johnny said.

"Did I forget to mention that?" He shrugged.

"Call it payback for stealing the shield bracelet." George looked at the portal to the next room and said, "That's it, then?"

"That's it, buddy." Johnny raised a hand and wiggled his fingers in a wave.

"Good luck." George walked away from the dummy and then passed through the portal to the next room.