Chương 55: Holy Hasselhoff, it’s a Knight Rider!

George surveyed the vehicles before stepping closer. They were as disparate a collection as could fit in one room: a two-story floating ball of spikes by the far wall, a pink hover skateboard drifting at his left, an open-topped all-terrain SUV with a rear-mounted machine gun turret. A silver motorcycle with no handlebars and mirrored spherical wheels sat beside a giant hot dog car. At least one of the vehicles was alive. George could hear the sound of mournful bleating echoing off the walls of the hangar.

Nearby, a barnacle-encrusted fishing boat looked freshly hauled from the sea, and a lone saddle hovered with no animal beneath it. George walked forward and let Identify activate on the first vehicle. It was a large, clear sphere with transparent controls projected onto the interior surface. He could see no visible entrance. <Hamster Class Etherwheel> <Description: The Hamster Class Etherwheel is the ultimate rolly ball for any high-energy, thrill-seeking mammalian speedster.

Whether you are herding wild Leviathars, spelunking a kaiju, or just running off a bad case of the zoomies, this etherwheel is the perfect selection. Running on pedal power, dogged determination (and occasionally edge-of-sanity panic), it offers unparalleled omnidirectional mobility with a design inspired by nature's most chaotic creature. Features: Rodentine gimbal mount; Indestructible Abilities: Put The -Urry In Scurry; Spin Cycle; Is That My Vomit Or Yours?

>"Hard pass," George said and walked to the next vehicle, a sleek, elongated tri-wing jet with two narrow cannons on either side of its long white hull. <Viper Mark II> <Description: This is a functional replica of the attack wingship that Starbuck (Kara Thrace) flew in the 2004 reboot of Battlestar Galactica. The Mark II was a classic design from the First Cylon War and was brought back into service because it lacked the networked systems that made newer models vulnerable to Cylon hacking.

This replica can't take you to space, let alone pull off a combat landing on the Galactica, but it'll still get you anywhere in the Sarsaparilla Delight Dream Track at a brisk 1, 500 mph. Wear your seatbelt. Features: Twin tylium-field engines; Decorative "Starbuck" decal on interior cockpit window Abilities: 33; Tora! Tora! Tora! > >>Flying that seems like a good way to get splattered all over the inside of a Viper Mark II cockpit. >>Veto.

The next "vehicle" George saw was a plastic sculpture of two large, feathered wings hanging on a rack. Leather straps and buckles crisscrossed the space where the wings joined. <Heavy-Hearted Wax Wings> <Description: Sky-swept, sun sought, high heaving, Wild-winged wonder, wind-whipped bright, Kestrel keen, king of flight—Icarus laughs At the sea wind reaving. Burning brim! Wax wings weaken, wither. Sunlash sears and flier burns. Heaven wanton, late he learns. Falling, flailing - Father! - Thither.

How he healed up, high, headlong, hurled, Star-struck, sun-bound, sky's keen comer! Feather-flecked, flare-fed, fool-farer, Mirth in his marrow, he mocked the world. Somewhere a plowman turns his share, White limbs sink in silent air. Features: Temporary flight; Escape Clause Abilities: About Suffering They Were Never Wrong; Suffer The Sea Change> >>We don't need to discuss this one, do we? >>No, we do not.

George moved on, and Identify showed him the profile of a strange vehicle that resembled a giant mechanical spider. >>That looks like She-Lob's own exosuit. Hot damn, I want it! <X-9 "Stonecutter" Spider Mech> <Description: Originally designed for subterranean warfare on Rillian mining planets, this exosuit is what nightmares are made of. Weighing in at 2. 8 tons (6, 200 lbs.) and measuring 2. 5 meters (standing) and 1.

6 meters (crawling mode), this mech suit is nothing you'd want to meet in a dark, hot, alien tunnel. Its eight semi-intelligent, prehensile arms sport an array of features useful for locomotion, tunnel warfare, or a bit of mining on the side. Features: Laser cutter pedipalps, Tungsten drill claws, Seismic radar, Sphincter-mounted spinnerets Abilities: You Call That A Knife?

; No Hill For A Stepper"If our goal is to explore this track and gather a bunch of prestige tokens, I don't think this is the vehicle for us," George said. >>Yeah, it doesn't scream "mobility…" >>More like, "I will rip you limb from limb and then blowtorch what's left of your carcass." The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. George walked on to the next one. The vehicle was a jet ski with the front half of a dolphin's body jutting out of the prow.

The whole thing was painted in vivd shades of blue, pink, and purple with airbrushed sparkles from the tip of the dolphin's nose to the back of the footwells on either side of the rear of the jetski. >>That thing looks like Lisa Frank got a gig with Sea-Doo and they just let her go wild. >>It looks familiar. >>Do you recognize it from the cover of your 6th-grade Trapper Keeper? >>It's from the carousel. >>You know, from the mall. >>It looks the same as all the others. But how did it get here?

<The Missing Dolphin Seat> <Description: This dolphin seat was created for the carousel in the food court in the Columbia Mall, where it delighted children with its playful visage and inviting yet dated paint job from 1993 to 2004. In a surprising turn of events, the carousel was summoned through dimensional space in order to participate in this trial.

The dolphin seat's odyssey took another unexpected turn when a portal opened in its exact position, shearing the dolphin seat away from its customary spot between the gorilla-jeep and the ostrich-cycle and sending it on the last leg of its wild, wild journey. It was suddenly adrift in trans-portal sub-space with nothing but the as-yet-unaware denizens of the Ink for company.

Its story would have ended there had not the Hell For Leather room—never one to miss an opportunity to add a new vehicle to its fleet—snapped it up, dusted it off, and got it ready for action. Now, the Missing Dolphin Seat has been retrofitted with the latest bells and whistles for the modern adventurer and is ready to frolic in the fickle waves of fate once again.

Features: Hover; Wavejump Abilities: Pocket Rocket; Thanks For All The Fish> >>I don't think I could hold my head up with dignity in the voting room if anyone saw me on that. >>I say go with it. >>Being unable to hold your head up with dignity is one of the few things you are really good at. George kept walking down the aisle. He did not identify all of the vehicles.

Several of them were obvious nos, including a rocket-powered pogo stick, a hot-air balloon, and a huge winged creature with an elongated beak called a skybax that appeared to be asleep. Others were disqualified once George read their Identity profiles. A prominent example of this group was a twenty-foot tall swan ship that boasted a top speed of five miles per hour for those who wanted to take in the Dream Track at a "stately, elegant pace."

Another was a flying umbrella with an accompanying carpet bag called the "Poppins Bag of Holding." The traits and abilities seemed focused on controlling unruly party members rather than something that would enable the prestige token speedrun George was looking for. But when George walked to the end of the aisle and saw the green car tucked in the back of the garage, he knew he had found the one. >>That's the car from the memory. The one I was about to drive to work when I left Christopher inside.

It is the exact car. >>Well… I'll be. This place is full of surprises. <Ford Mustang Convertible> <Description: The Ford Mustang Convertible is a fourth-generation model. It was built on the redesigned "Fox-body" platform that proved popular with middle-aged Boomers. Sporting a 215 horsepower 5-liter V8 engine, the pony has some serious get-up-and-go. It is just as well-suited for a trip to the grocery store as for jetting off to Malibu for a mid-life crisis while your mistress rides shotgun.

Wherever your destination, this baby will ensure you get there fast enough to leave your old life behind and discover a brand new one. Features: Morat—Bloodhound Chauffeur; LoJack Abilities: Devil Take The Hindmost; Bad To The Bone; Seven Slick Snotrockets>"Pal, I choose this one," George said aloud. He stepped toward the car and opened the front door. The car smelled familiar in a way George couldn't put his finger on. He sat down and found the key already in the ignition.

<Ford Mustang Convertible Ability + Feature Package> Morat—Bloodhound Chauffeur: On-board intelligence capable of driving autonomously in case of emergency; designed for tracking and finding. Lowjack: Complete map integration; Galactic Positioning System (GPS) Devil Take The Hindmost: When being chased by the bear, one does not need to be faster than the bear; one only needs to be faster than the slowest party member. With Devil Take The Hindmost, you will never be the slowest member of your party.

Bad To The Bone: Gives access to a complete defensive and offensive vehicular armament package for a limited time. Seven Slick Snotrockets: Biological weapon of last resort. Notification: Celestial Library Inception Event Virtuoso of the Open Road skill package unlocked Advanced facility with 1995 Ford Mustang Convertible unlocked Greatest Hits: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (lyrics and pitch) unlocked >>Ooookay. >>That was weird.

As soon as George put his hands on the wheel, the notifications appeared and his whole head had started to tingle like he had leaned it against a giant tuning fork. Then it passed, and he knew how to drive. He really knew how to drive. New concepts crowded his mind, and he could feel his body itching to fall into new-but-somehow-familiar muscle memory patterns. He suddenly knew how to do a Rockford turn, a PIT maneuver, evasive weaving, oversteering, and a slew of other obscure, specialized maneuvers.

He could picture the parts of the engine in his head and knew that if something went wrong in the engine, he would be able to diagnose it by the sound it made. And he knew all of the lyrics of Tom Petty's greatest hits album. George pulled his seatbelt across his body and turned the ignition. The engine purred, and as he feathered the pedal, it let out a muscular roar that echoed off the hard walls of the hangar and caused the skybax to wake up and screech at him. Quest Update!

Description: Acquire a means of fast travel. Reward: +50 gold (101 total) Reward: +5 skill points (19 total) As the car came to life, a band of LEDs flashed on the dashboard, and a red light bounced back and forth across it. A machine's voice greeted him.

"Hello, Ill-Starred Knight," the voice said.

"I am Morat, ninth-generation Bloodhound Chauffeur, at your service." >>Holy David Hasselhoff, it's a Knight Rider!

"What are your goals for today's drive?" Morat said.

"Is this a business or pleasure tour?"

"Business," George said.

"I need to find prestige tokens."

"Excellent," Morat said.

"I am equipped with a lowjack, a comprehensive track map, and, as my AI class indicates, I excel at finding things. Would you like me to plot a route to the nearest prestige token?"

"Yes," George said. >>Hey, Morat. Can you hear me?

"Yes, I can hear you. Who is this?" Morat asked. >>I'm the voice that lives in George's head, and that's all you need to know. >>Let's get something straight. You aren't going to try to insert anything into our body or take over our minds or anything, right?

"No. I am only here to help make your experience in Sarsaparilla Delight Dream Track as FUN as possible," Morat said. >>Good. >>Then I won't have to tell you what happened to the last AI that tried to get up to shenanigans. >>… >>OK, I'll tell you. >>He's dead. >>Super dead. >>Because I killed him. >>Straight up. >>You get what I'm saying? >>You picking up what I'm putting down? >>Let that be a warning to you and all your AI friends, mmmk? >>Now, George… take us out.

George reversed out of the bay and into the main aisle. He gunned the engine and shifted into gear. A blue line appeared in the front windshield and little orange diamond symbols appeared on the windows on all four sides of the car, each hovering over a distant prestige token.

"Morat," George said.

"Play track five." George pressed the pedal to the floor, and the wheels burned black marks in the hangar floor as they gained traction, rocketing the car forward.